Humorous Items

[Honeylioness]

Cell Phone etiquette - Amen!


My wife and I were just seated in a booth at a local restaurant, my wife with her back to a man in the booth behind her and me facing my wife and thus the other man's date.

The woman was on her phone talking intently to a friend as we sat down. They were served their food just after we were seated, the woman still on the phone. She continued talking on the phone
as she ate.

Even just being able to see the back of the man, I could tell by his body language he was becoming very upset with the woman. She continued on the phone for the entire meal, talking loudly and annoying everyone seated within earshot. The phone conversation ended when the server brought the check.

Now the REALLY good part .... The man said to the waitress, "We'll have separate checks, please."

The woman's mouth dropped open and she said "But I didn't bring any money. We're on a date and you're supposed to pay".

The man replied "You're right, we were on a date. You have a phone, Call your friend to bring you some money. You talked to them all night and ignored me. Ask them for a ride home, too."

At that, the man walked to the cashier, paid for his meal and left the woman sitting there dumbfounded.

[Honeylioness]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Holly Madison, said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain , said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of the United States and I am the coolest, smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the 'Anointed One.'"

So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life
and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

[Honeylioness]

Back when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous not scripted.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!

And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A.. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?


A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth..

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[Honeylioness]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

[Honeylioness]

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say "Your Honor, I'm guilty but..... There were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire," found me... standing on my tip-toes, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

When you stop laughing, click on FORWARD and let the rest of our sisters!

[Honeylioness]

15 Dumbest Patients That Doctors Have Had to Deal With………………

1. I’m never going to have a baby because the hospitals don’t wash them anymore.”

She’s 30.

2. I once had a 20 year old female patient who didn’t know that having sex would lead to pregnancy. She had NO idea.

3. After looking at the patient’s chart and seeing she had diabetes -

Me: Do you have any medical conditions?
Patient: No
Me: Are you sure, you’ve never been told you have any diseases?
Patient: Never
Me: What medications do you take?
Patient: Insulin ….. for my diabetes.

4. A middle aged lady in the operating theatre once told us at the last minute (as she was being wheeled in) that she’s allergic to latex. Everyone freaks out because so much of the stuff we use in theatre has latex in it, so we take her to the latex free theatre and do her surgery there. When she’s in recovery and awake I enquire as to what reaction she has to latex. “I just don’t really like the sound the latex gloves make, dear”.

I just turned around and walked out.

5. “No, my fiancée and I don’t want our daughter to have any of the vaccines, vitamin K shot, antibiotic eye ointment, or PKU testing. It’s poison. Poking her with the needle is worse than the ‘cold’ she’d get without the ‘poison’.”

He then drove his newborn daughter and fiancée home in a car that absolutely reeked of weed and cigarettes.

6. 20-something year old patient comes to ER, chief complaint on the board is “Private”. This should be good. Go in, he is visibly depressed and sad. Tells a story about how he slept with a woman, didn’t use protection, and after he noticed she had a “plastic box on her”. When she told him it was an insulin pump for diabetes he was mortified. Came in immediately to be tested for diabetes.

7. “I had asthma when I was a child, so stop f**king patronizing me and telling me how to raise my daughter just because you think you’re smarter than me.” Leaves hospital.

Back in hospital two hours later; six year old daughter in respiratory failure and admitted to ICU.

8. Father told “Don’t let her eat or drink anything after midnight” before his 3 year old daughter’s surgery the next morning (tonsils and adenoids). While intubating the girl the next morning she vomited scrambled eggs, causing her to aspirate them into her lungs. Her heart stopped, and I did chest compressions on her for 25 minutes. We got her back, aborted the surgery, and transferred her to pediatric ICO on a ventilator. Her father’s response “She said she was hungry. I thought you were being too hard on her. It must have been something you did to her.”

9. Patient had to be told that the reason her son was getting sick at school every day was because she was packing him peanut butter sandwiches and he was allergic to peanuts. She honestly didn’t know that was an ingredient, and he was in middle school and wasn’t bright enough to realize it himself.

10. Had a lady measure her baby’s temperature by pre-heating the oven and putting one hand in front of it while the other hand was on the baby’s forehead. She told the nurse her baby’s fever was about 250 degrees.

11. The best was the woman who was feeding her 3 month old dog every few days for no other reason that she thought a dog should only eat that often. Came in for hypoglycemia (of course).

The nurse who spoke with her has no patience for this kind of jacked ignorance, and actually shouted at her “DO YOU ONLY EAT EVERY THREE DAYS??!?!??”

12. Once had a patient who was prescribed an inhaler for his cat allergy. He came back a week later saying he was none the better. Turns out he was spraying the inhaler on his cat.

13. My favorite was when someone was prescribed estrogen patches and told to stick one patch on herself every other day.

At the next follow-up she said she didn’t like the patches because she’d been “running out of space”.

I did not think to clarify to her that she should have been placing a new patch and removing the one from yesterday each day. Very amusing. She indeed was covered in sticky patches.

14. Mom brought her kids to the ER after they ate all of their Halloween candy because they had tummy aches. They were still eating Reese’s peanut butter cups when they were in the exam room. I had to explain to her that they need to cut back on the candy and she looked at me like I had three heads.

15. There was this lady who had diabetes and her foot was necrotic. The doctor told her she was going to have to have it amputated, and she said “No, Jesus will heal it for me” (or words to that effect).

The doctor looked at her and said “Ma’am, you have maggots eating your foot. Jesus wants you to get it amputated.”

[Honeylioness]

So I went to confession on Saturday evening before Mass and started with the
Usual “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been 4 weeks since my last confession. Last night, I beat the crap out of an Obama supporter."

The Priest responds, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss
your community service.”

[Honeylioness]

I am not a fan of football, college or professional, but I know several people here are. Or they live someplace where they must act as though they are. So enjoy a bit of Tuesday pig-skin humor



Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the
Meaning of a lot of words."


___________________________________________


Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

___________________________________________


What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.

___________________________________________


How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.

___________________________________________



How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?


The cow fell on him.

___________________________________________

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

___________________________________________

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
___________________________________________

What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a
three-piece suit?

"Will the defendant please rise."

___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.

___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

___________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

Almost a full set of teeth.

___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; believe it or not the other half can dress themselves.

___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

___________________________________________

How do you get a former star Illinois football player off your porch?


Pay him for the pizza.

[Honeylioness]

A Blonde goes to Spotlight to buy some new curtains.

She says to the sales assistant, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'

The sales assistant assures her that they have a large selection of pink
curtains.

She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time
choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The sales assistant then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches..'

'Seventeen inches?' asked the sales assistant, 'that sounds very small, what
room are they for?'

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'

The surprised sales assistant replies, 'But Miss, computers don't need curtains!

The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo ... Mine has Windoooooows...'

[Honeylioness]

My Great Aunt Emma's Week at the Gym



For her birthday this year, my "Great Aunt Emma's" daughter purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although she still is in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, she decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.

She called the club and made her reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with her enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged "Aunt Emma" to keep the diary below to chart her progress.


________________________________

MONDAY:


Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week!!

______________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a
whole new life for me.

______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was "OK" as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a "GEO Convertible" in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. He said some other dumb and NOT so nice things to me too.

__________________________

THURSDAY:

Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late—it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine--which I sank.

_________________________________
FRIDAY:

I hate that Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little
aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

______________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use
the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

_______________________________


SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the
floor with diamonds!!!

[Honeylioness]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, ‘3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.’

[Honeylioness]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my
own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.”


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him.."

He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?”


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?”

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”


Understanding Engineers #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #7

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that's cool.”


And Finally...


Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and
walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

[Honeylioness]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And
the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his
face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are
few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"


The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".

[Honeylioness]

The Marriage Dictionary!


A new dictionary is soon to come out, defining some issues in marriage that people were curious about. Here are some of the definitions we thought we'd offer to include in it:


Bachelor
* A man who has been able to avoid the opportunity of making some woman miserable.
* A man who is said to be foot-loose and fiancee-free.
* A man who never made the same mistake once.
* A bad boy who has cheated some poor girl out of her alimony.
* A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
* The only man who has never told a wife a lie.

Bride
A girl with great prospects of happiness behind her.

Compromise
A nice little arrangement between husband and wife whereby they both fully agree to let her have her own way.

Diplomat
A man who is able to convince his wife that a fur coat would make her look fat.

Gentleman
A husband who holds the stepladder tightly so his wife doesn't fall while she's painting the ceiling.
A man who notices his wife dropping her knitting and immediately kicks it over to her so that she can pick it up.

Housework
What a wife without anyone noticing it until she doesn't do it.

Husband
A man who has decided to give up privileges he never knew he had.
A guy who controls the house and everyone in it, and is allowed by his wife to say so.

Joint Checking Account
A great little device which allows a wife to beat a husband to the draw.

Love
An obsessive delusion easily cured by a wedding.

Mother-in-Law
A woman who slowly destroys a man's peace of mind by telling him what's on hers.

Mrs.
A job title involving long duties, very light earnings and zero recognition.

Spouse
Someone who will protect you, help you and help you solve all the problems you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Wife
A partner who is always complaining that she doesn't have a thing to wear at the exact same time she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

[Honeylioness]

The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized ...

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

“Seriously, you need to hurry - I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.

“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “Am I smelling something?” sort of way. More like a “Is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”

“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you ...” then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.

“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”

“Get away from the door!” I screamed like Reagan from The Exorcist.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

“I’m fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay, are you sure you’re ...”

“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this ... “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.


hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny