Humorous Items

[Honeylioness]

Puns:


1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested."Don' t you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire .... And so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...

Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression ... "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that ... The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, .........."Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[Honeylioness]

Universal Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. (Or wine ...or Margaritas!!)

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an ass from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

[Honeylioness]

This is for the over 50 generation:


I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."


P.S. - I know some of you are not over 50; I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

[Honeylioness]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.....

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

[Honeylioness]

Color Numerology


What's in a name? Would you believe a color energy that's a clue to your personality? Maybe you don't. But some numerologists do, and they base their belief about the relationship between numbers, color, and the alphabet on the theories of Pythagoras, no less. Here's how it works: Take each letter in your name and find its corresponding number in the guide at right. Add all the numbers, then reduce the total to a single digit.

EXAMPLE: Mimi Read 4+9+4+9+9+5+1+4 = 45. 4+5 = 9 = Gold.

COLOR	NUMBER	LETTERS
Red	1	A J S
Orange	2	B K T
Yellow	3	C L U
Green	4	D M V
Blue	5	E N W

[/tr] [tr][td]Indigo[/td][td]6[/td][td]F O X[/td] [/tr] [tr] [td]Violet[/td] [td]7[/td] [td]G P Y[/td] [/tr] [tr] [td]Rose[/color][/td] [td]8[/td] [td]H Q Z[/td] [/tr] [tr][td]Gold[/td] [td]9 [/td] [td]I R[/td][/tr] [/table]




Interior designer Ellen Kennon, a color expert with a spiritual bent, analyzes each color personality:

1. Red: The most dominant personality. A visionary and risk-taker: energetic, passionate, tenacious, flamboyant, and courageous.

2. Orange: Balanced both mentally and physically. Happy, loyal, takes each day as it comes.

3. Yellow: Cheerful, charming, magnetic, intelligent, confident, and creative. Somewhat psychic, and enigmatic. A good leader and negotiator.

4. Green: The perfect balance between the physical and mental. Grounded, logical, not easily influenced, rarely judgmental. An intensely loyal friend — and has lots of them.

5. Blue: Optimistic, empathetic, flexible, idealistic, tranquil, patient, devoted. A natural mother.

6. Indigo: A brilliant old soul who is intuitive, sensitive, impulsive, curious, and ambitious, with a great lust for life.

7. Violet: Also an old soul. Intense, cerebral, wise, loving, generous, sentimental, and artistic.

8. Rose: Main qualities are strength, love, and leadership. Turns visions into realities.

9. Gold: Radiates love, joy, compassion, and understanding.

[Honeylioness]

Yearly Visit


I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'


Never going back to that doctor.

[Honeylioness]

THE MONKEY STORY


Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes the attempt with same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the snot out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs OR even why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, after replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know, that is the way it has always been done around here.

And that, my fellow monkeys, is how congress operates, and precisely why we need to REPLACE all the original monkeys this November.

[Honeylioness]

I can't take my husband anywhere....


Dear Mrs. Someone,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7 . August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the female employees he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty girls obliged

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Honeylioness]

18 August 2010[/u]

(11:55:34) Fallon says to Ri for a moment: Okay ... so on our Condo board is myself, a woman in her late fifties who I think has all the common sense of a tree and a man about 30 who is much too hippy-dippy crunchy granola Birkenstocks for my taste .......he would like us all to just sing Kum buy Ya and get along

(11:58:07) Fallon says to Ri for a moment: Anyway ....this man ...let's call him Andy (his real name) has been the overall impetus for getting the owners rallied... or at least grudgingly working ... on rehabbing out shared decks ..... however one of the other workers ....let's call him Dennis ....though I really want to call him D-i-c-k ..... his style is rather more .....abrasive / obnoxious/ arrogant / condenscending ....take your pick. Lots of e-mails telling us we are doing things wrong, he knows better, why won't we do it the way he says blah blah blah

(11:59:56) Fallon says to Ri for a moment: At times it is all I can do not to say ..."Gee Dennis , hard to imagine why you're divorced" ..... anyways .....seems Andy had finally had enough and they had a little spat ..... at which time Andy said to Dennis "You are SUCH a pain in my ASS!!!" ...... Now remember, these are supposedly both grown ups and not junior high students

(12:01:33) Fallon says to Ri for a moment: Well Dennis got his feelings hurt and sent an e-mail to me and the other trustee asking us just what we were planning on doing about this "situation" .... He felt that as Andy is on the Board he is not allowed to speak unkindly to anyone .... and he wants the Association to levy a fine on Andy of at least $100 to teach him a lesson about being polite.

(12:01:45) Fallon says to Ri for a moment: The problems with this over all just boggle the mind

(12:03:24) Ri for a moment
== Within the Great Hall ==
: says to Fallon: World peace.... ?? *drinking another draw again... *... Men should just be all lined up... beaten.. shot.. beaten and then shot again... *nodding sagely*... *face palm*.... if He gets away with it, let Me know please.... *laughing*

(12:04:25) Fallon says to Ri for a moment: First off . ... Get Over Yourself already "D-ick" .... You can't legislate or mandate manners ....hell, if we could Congress wouldn't look like it does ..... secondly, this is obviously a problem between two neighbors .... two people ..... work it out and move on .... or ignore it an move on but get a grip

(12:05:23) Ri for a moment
== Within the Great Hall ==
: says to Fallon: hand them some wood... some nails... and two hammers.. and tell ME to build a bridge and get over themselves!

(12:07:00) Fallon says to Ri for a moment: So this all happened three months ago and I chose NOT to respond to this ridiculous demand I received via e-mail. Well, I sent "D-ick" an e-mail last week asking about contact information on the contractor that handled his window replacements ....know what he said? And I quote ...

My window situation is somewhat complex. I would be happy to share my experience with anyone that is interested. However, a few months ago I sent you an email about Andy's behavior. I would appreciate a response to my concerns before I get into the details of another subject.

(12:09:25) Ri for a moment
== Within the Great Hall ==
: says to Fallon: listens to the quotes.... *drops jaw and just shakes head... points up to the nails and hammer and boards*

(12:10:00) Fallon says to Ri for a moment: Honestly .... the e-mail I WANT to send back to him would probably just cause a mushroom cloud to detonate over his condo .... This guy is a real piece of work .....

(12:12:10) Ri for a moment
== Within the Great Hall ==
: says to Fallon: Tell Him, your mother always said if you did not have something nice to say, not to say anything, so you did not... Or give them back their board position and tell them where they can hold onto it.

(12:12:12) Fallon says to Ri for a moment: My response options have included such comments as: .....do you need to adjust your meds? ...... Did someone misplace their binky? ..... Or ... So Dennis ...just how long HAS it been since you've been laid?

(12:12:40) Ri for a moment
== Within the Great Hall ==
: says to Fallon: Nodding.. all sound good... appropriate... and I like the last one.

(12:13:04) Fallon says to Ri for a moment: *grins*

(12:14:01) Fallon says to Ri for a moment: Well ...see .. you are not the only one dealing with morons RT ....

[Honeylioness]

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.

Check out their new livery!









Subject: From the cockpit on KULULA.COM- South Africa's Budget Airline

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY NTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
------------------------------------------------------------------

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."


----o0o---


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."


---o0o---


"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."


----o0o---


"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."


---o0o---


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


---o0o---


Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"


---o0o---


After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."


---o0o---


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."


---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[Honeylioness]

When your boyfriend, husband or significant other does something that makes you angry, don't give in to the temptation to argue and fight... Just count to ten, remain calm and after he goes to bed, super-glue his flip flops to the floor.








I could watch this one over and over? Oh wait a minute, I have!!!


Damn women!

[Honeylioness]

One of the most humorous listings I have seen on CraigsList .....

"Hurricane" Earl's Yard Sale Blowout Bonanza

Saturday, September 4, 11 AM - 5 PM
9 Harvard St, Somerville[/center]


Here at "Hurricane" Earl's Yard Sale Blowout Bonanza we aim to bring you a flash flood of savings!


* Kitchen goods that Earl "found" off the back of a truck one day!
* Books! All sorts of 'em! Smart books! Dumb books! Books you don't actually read but keep in your house to make people think you're smart! (note: lookin' at you, Camus)
* LPs and CDs for $1!
* DVDs, most on sale for $2! Shoot, I got so much anime on DVD you'd think I knocked off a Newbury Comics! (note: "Hurricane" Earl stands by his Constitutional rights guaranteed by the 5th Amendment and will not say anything further without a lawyer present)
* Computer games spanning the mid-90s to late-90s!
* Electronics both old and slightly-less-old! Do they work? I dunno, but for these prices you can put a cherry bomb in 'em and blow 'em up in the woods and film it and become a YouTube sensation! (note: do not actually do this)
* Piles upon piles of various nick-nacks so cheap you'd think Earl was givin' 'em away for free! (note: nick-nacks will be given away for free after 5 PM)
* Styles upon styles of clothes for prices that are perfect for the homeless person and/or grad student in your life!



All this and MUCH MORE at "Hurricane" Earl's Yard Sale Blowout Bonanza this Saturday, September 4 from 11 AM - 5 PM! Come at 11 for the good stuff, everything half-off past 2 PM! Everything must go! That's:

Saturday, September 4
11 AM - 5 PM
9 Harvard St, Somerville

Later start than most yard sales to help the rain pass by, so no early birds, please! Located in Spring Hill up the street from the Dunkin Donuts on Somerville Ave. No, no that one; the one with the parking lot. No, the other one with the parking lot. The one where the delivery truck double-parks and blocks you in. Yeah, that one! Near there.

Avoid the Cape and come enjoy these Category 5 savings! Be there!

[Honeylioness]

10 Obscure Marriage Laws: State Of Matrimony


September 2010



Last month the New York state legislature approved no-fault divorce, the last state to do so, siding with opponents who viewed the law as antiquated and passé. This landmark decision got us thinking about what other outdated marriage laws might exist in the U.S. Read on to find out which states have (or had) the wackiest rules around.

Montana

Marriage by proxy, which means someone stands in for a bride/groom who can't be present at his/her wedding, is limited to members of the U.S. Armed Forces. But of the four states that allow the practice — California, Colorado, Texas and Montana — Montana is the only one that allows double-proxy weddings. Essentially, neither the bride nor groom has to show up. Call us old-fashioned, but it doesn’t seem like the ideal start to the biggest commitment of one's life.

Arkansas

For a few months between 2007 and 2008, anyone under 18 could get married in Arkansas with parental consent. (Yes, even babies — as their parents agreed!) The original law was meant to allow pregnant teenagers to get married if their parents approved, but lawmakers forgot to put in an age minimum. The law was corrected in April 2008, making the minimum age 17 for boys and 16 for girls.

Delaware

Ever been dared to get married ... as a prank? Neither have we. But apparently this happens often enough in Delaware that it's actually an option when couples file for an annulment. Along with the basic reasons such as marrying "without the capacity to consent" or "under duress," couples can now check "because of a jest or dare" when applying to dissolve their nuptials.

Kentucky

In Kentucky, it's illegal to remarry the same man four times. Honestly, good for Kentucky: If you've already divorced him three times, someone should step in. Of course, as long as it's different men, you can get married and divorced as many times as you like.

Mississippi

In Truro, Mississippi, a groom-to-be must "prove himself manly" prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows. Manly is a good thing. Dead birds? Not so much.

Massachusetts

Despite the fact that the infamous witch trials were over 300 years ago, religious conservatism is still alive in Salem, Massachusetts — at least on the law books. Apparently, married couples are not allowed to sleep in the nude in a rented room. Of course, reflecting on numerous media reports about germs on hotel bedspreads, who would want to?!

South Carolina

In South Carolina it's illegal for a man over 16 years old to propose marriage and not mean it. Doing so means he's committing a misdemeanor under the Offenses Against Morality and Decency Act. Not sure if that means he will be forced to marry the woman in question, or if he can't ask for a woman’s hand as a way to seduce her. We hope it's the latter.

Kansas

Many husbands would probably say their mother-in-law isn't their favorite person in the world. But for those who really, really dislike their wife's mother, moving to Wichita, KS, might be a good option. In this city, a man's mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce.

Connecticut

Imagine it: You get a babysitter so you and your hubby can go out for a romantic dinner. Afterward you take a stroll around town. Caught in the moment, you lean in for a passionate kiss. Busted! The police can cuff you and throw you in jail — that is, if you live in Hartford, Connecticut ... and it's Sunday. Well, maybe not these days, but technically, it’s still illegal in this city for a man to kiss his wife on the Lord's Day.

Louisiana

It’s most likely that your wedding was officiated by a religious figure or judge. Or, if you're a bit more eccentric than some, you had a friend become ordained so he or she could marry you. New Orleans has made it illegal for palm readers, fortune tellers, mystics and the like to officiate a wedding. Guess they don't want you peeking at your future — you'll just have to go into it with blind faith like everyone else!

[Honeylioness]

Links to place when you need a chuckle:[/u]


MOBA: Museum of Bad Art

www.museumofbadart.org/

[Honeylioness]

Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other.

And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped..

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......

....wait for it....










A COMMONTATER