Humorous Items

[Honeylioness]

New Advertising Slogans for the trades of the Isles and other such places...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."


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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Number one in the number two business

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On a towing truck
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.."

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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.."

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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window
"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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On the front of a t-shirt
I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look

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On the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[Honeylioness]

My New Hat


The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my new GREEN HAT that I got from Newsmax when I had subscribed to the magazine.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the hat. Try it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency room service.




shop.newsmax.com/shop/products/products_zoom.cfm?productid=683&img=images_emart/large/1_large.jpg



By the way, it also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.

[Honeylioness]

The Man Rules


At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.... Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)


1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports or news,
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.


1. Crying is blackmail.


1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one


1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cars.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!


1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

[Honeylioness]

Rules for rural Pennsylvania


The rules of rural Pennsylvania are as follows:


1. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

2. They are cattle. They're live steaks or walking milk bottles. That's why they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-81 goes north and south. Pick one.

3. Pull your droopy pants up, you look like an idiot.

4. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

5. So you have a $60,000 car, we're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in rural Pennsylvania waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat scrapple, pot pie, funnel cakes, haluskie, pierogies, shoo-fly pie, apple butter, chow-chow, and schnitz un knepp. Don't like the sound of them or the names freak you out because you never saw a "Bon Appetit" article on them? Great, more for us!

9. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held on the Monday after Thanksgiving.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce, and Heinz ketchup. Oh, yeah...we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat. Its not real chili.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and have long hair.

15. College and high school football are as important here as the Steelers and Eagles and a lot more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards---it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and Country. They still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks who have been in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard - PA has one of the highest percentages of veterans in the entire country. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
YAHOOOOO!!!

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump-thump stuff is not music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to # 3.

20. Four inches isn't a blizzard--it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense, and don't take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. You're not in Alaska . Worst case you may have to live a whole day without your croissants. The pickups with snow plows will have you out the next day.

A true Pennsylvanian will send this on to others. Everyone else can leave town.

[Honeylioness]

Interviewees Say the Darndest Things
By Rachel Farrell, CareerBuilder.com writer


You can always depend on young children to tell you exactly what they think, or precisely how they feel on any given topic. Want to know if your breath smells bad, if you should wear a different tie or if you really look fat in that outfit? Find a 5-year-old. He will give you an uncensored, honest answer.

Needless to say, we expect more from adults. Especially adults who are interviewing for a job.

For the second year in a row, we asked hiring managers everywhere to tell us the craziest thing they've ever heard in an interview. Keep reading for 37 hilarious (and true) statements from the job candidates:

1. "I interviewed a gentleman who looked great on paper but said two things during the interview that made me think, 'Really?' When starting the interview, I asked him what his hobbies were, to lighten the mood. He replied, 'I sometimes walk up to perfect strangers just to say hello. I also like to pick up trash if I see some when I'm walking around.' After I asked him how the position would contribute to his professional goals and future plans, he replied, 'My main goal is to be a rock star; this is more of a backup plan.'" -- Jessica Harrington, marketing associate, Eastern Michigan University

2. "I remember interviewing a secretary some years ago and asking her, 'What is important to you in a job?' Her answer was: 'I want to work close to Bloomingdales.'" -- Bettina Seidman, career management coach, Seidbet Associates

3. "'When your workload is heavy and you are overwhelmed, how do you handle the stress?' 'I run in the bathroom and cry.'" -- Jessica Simko, Career Branding Guide

4. "We performed mock interviews where our clients were put in an interview session using their real backgrounds, interests, etc. When asked why the client left her last job, which was in a family buffet-style restaurant, her response was, 'I was hungry and didn't know it would be a problem so I had pizza delivered to the restaurant while was on the clock.'" -- Jacqueline Lisenby, chief visionary officer and president, StatusJ Entertainment Group

5. "I interviewed a senior engineer for one of our open positions. He demanded coffee and proceeded to spill coffee in his lap. Then he pointed to his groin area, laughed and said, 'It looks like I wet myself!' Needless to say, he didn't get the job." -- Lisa Hall, human resources trainer and author of "Taking Charge of Your Own Health"

6. "I recently had the craziest interviewee ever come into our offices for a copywriter position. I wanted enthusiastic, but this guy was so over the top, I almost laughed in the middle of the interview. He high-fived someone on my team after hearing that my team member just got engaged. He talked about how terrible his boss was for a good 20 minutes. He said he felt like he was already working with us. And then he left something behind so that he could come back and get it. He called wondering when he could come back, and we [saw] him prepping in the parking lot." -- Amanda Halm, senior copywriter, editor, Bridezilla.com

7. "Without a doubt, the craziest thing I ever heard came from a candidate for an entry-level management position. He looked perfect on paper, so we scheduled a phone interview for 3 p.m. He answered the phone and when I introduced myself he said, 'Hold on, I'm at a bar. Let me finish this shot and go outside.' Amidst the noise of an active game of pool and a rowdy bar crowd, he slipped outside and told me, 'You know what? I'm a little drunker than I thought. Can we reschedule?' Needless to say, we did not." -- Heather Lytle, senior partner, H&L Media Partners

8. "While I am not the interviewer for a corporation, having been in many interviews for opportunities, I have actually heard a number of interesting, crazy, less-tactful things said from the interviewer side. The worst was, I drove two hours to do an in-person, one-hour interview and the interviewer was 30-40 minutes late to the interview, even though she walked by me in the lobby six or seven times with a bag of chips talking about her personal life to the receptionist. When she finally came out to get me, she didn't even act shocked or sorry for the delay, and just said, 'I was munching on a bag of chips and time flies when you're eating chips.' Let's just say I knew then it wouldn't be a good fit." -- Chris Perry, founder of Career Rocketeer

9. "We recently asked a job candidate, 'What do you know about us?' He leaned back in his chair and replied, 'Not much. Why don't you fill me in?' He wasn't hired." -- John Kramb, Adams County Winery

10. "We always include a casual lunch or dinner portion during an interview to continue our discussions in a more informal manner. This candidate let their guard down, falling out of their 'interview mode,' during the friendly and casual meal-time discussions. They went so far as to share that they installed an illegal second network in their office with co-workers and would spend their afternoons gaming on the clock. They then went on to further share how regularly in the mornings and afternoons they would sleep at their desk during working hours. Bragging that they had never once been caught in either of these acts. Needless to say, this candidate was not hired. Prior to this meal-time, more casual discussion, they were likely to be made an offer. The lesson learned and to be shared is that you are on the interview from before you arrive at a location until you have returned home. I was truly surprised that such a smart individual would make such a stupid mistake by sharing such obviously unacceptable work practices with a potential new employer." -- Zachary Z. Zguris, chief technology officer, Lime Design Inc.

11. "The interview was for a highly visible administrative assistant position. Clearly, I was looking for someone who would exercise tact with top-caliber people who would come into our office. I opened the interview with a fairly standard question:

'What is it that attracts you to this job the most?' Without hesitation, she replied, 'My mother thinks this will be the right job for me.'" -- Bill Lampton, president, Championship Communication


12. "We have the standard lists of questions you'd expect to hear, but at any given moment, I'll interject with, 'If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?' The most shocking response was, 'I'd be a cat so I can lay around all day and not have to do anything.'" -- Efrain Ayala, account executive, Walt Denny Inc., The Home Products Agency

13. "The man's phone kept ringing. Finally, he answered it and he said, 'Hello. No. I'm fine. OK.' Of course, it was rude and uncalled for in my opinion, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked if everything was OK. He basically said nothing was wrong but that his wife was checking in. He had not flown in for the interview. He was local." -- T. Murray, author of "Stuck on Stupid: A Guide for Today's Professional Stuck in a Rut"

14. "The most bizarre experience I ever had was regarding a candidate who was offered a position with my client. Because she had disclosed that she had a college degree, she was required to produce proof in the form of transcripts, diploma, etc. She told us that she was unable to produce the required documentation because her identity had been changed and that the information the firm was seeking was in her previous name. Due to safety reasons, she was unable to produce proof (in any name she had or was using)." -- Cathleen Faerber, managing director, The Wellesley Group Inc.

15. "I was interviewing an older woman for a position in my company. I thought she had a great personality and was considering hiring her. Then at the end of the interview she asked if I would be able to give her a ride to work and then back home again everyday! Umm, no." -- Janice Celeste, president and CEO, Celeste Studios Film & Video

16. "I had a woman come in and tell me that she ran a business around the corner and that she would be working this job, as well as managing her business during business hours. I wanted to be sure that I understood her correctly -- that she would be taking time away from the position with me to 'check in' on her store periodically. But when I asked her a few questions to clarify, she became upset with me and ended up storming out of my office." -- Shay Olivarria, speaker and author of "Bigger Than Your Block"

17. "One job candidate arrived late for the interview, in a not-so-gracious mood. 'The commute is terrible,' she said. 'I'm so glad I don't have to do this every day.'" -- Sammie Samuella Becker, CEO, TigressPR

18. "I had a candidate in the final interview stages. He pretty much had the job. He was invited to interview with a couple of people who would become peers as last step in the process. One would-be peer asked my candidate to demonstrate to them his work ethic and drive, to which he replied, 'You can just strap a saddle on my a** and ride me!' Apparently, he was hoping to show what a workhorse he is. As you might imagine, he did not get the job." -- Jenny Foss, recruiting agency owner, recruiter and job search consultant

19. "I interviewed a candidate over the phone for a sales position. Less than five minutes into the call, I began to hear water swishing and realized that the candidate was taking a bath during the phone interview." -- Jessica Miller-Merrell, owner, Xceptional HR

20. "I had a candidate come into my office with her child and proceed to breastfeed her baby boy during the interview. There was no acknowledgment or mention from the woman I was interviewing about the baby or him eating." -- Miller-Merrell

21. "While interviewing a young lady who was wearing a revealing top, at the end of the interview, she leaned forward and said in a sultry voice, 'I'll do anything to get this job.' She got people's attention, but eliminated herself from getting hired." -- Ronald Kaufman consultant and author of "Anatomy of Success"

22. "One [candidate] came in dressed very professionally and really looked like she had made an effort to look the part. Some people assume because we are laid back and bring our pets to work, that we are extremely casual and will show up for an interview dressed in jeans, so this was a nice change. Toward the end of the interview, I complimented her on how professional she looked. She got this huge smile and looked down at her clothes and said, 'I know. I think I look like Mary Tyler Moore; that's why I wore this!' We ended up hiring her and she was such a quirky, fun, enthusiastic employee with a style all her own." -- Cindy Lukacevic, owner/vice president of marketing, Dinovite Inc.

23. "While wrapping up a seemingly decent interview with a young lady for an administrative assistant position, I asked her if she had any questions. She asked one or two default questions about the company then -- drum roll -- she says, 'I used my last bit of change to put gas in my car to make it here. Is there any way that you could help me out?' Needless to say, I was floored and the candidate did not get the job." -- Clorissa Wright, senior publicist, WrightWay Marketing and Consulting

24. "'I like to date the young ones, is that bad?' and 'I love older women, do you really only have women working in your organization?' Those are the two I will never forget." -- Greg Palomino, CRE8AD8

25. "I was working for a private investigator and interviewing applicants for a decoy position, in which they could possibly be confronted with various situations while investigating everyone from potentially cheating wives to drug dealers. I asked a guy in his early 20s, 'What would you do if you were working undercover and someone you were investigating starting using drugs?' He laughed, 'Oh, it wouldn't bother me. I mean, I have a medical marijuana card and all. You know, anxiety and stuff.' 'Oh, really?' I noticed his eyes were slightly glassy. 'Yep.' He grinned. 'So, are you high now?' I asked. A chuckle. 'Just a little!' 'Oh, just a little?' I replied. 'When did you last smoke?' 'Oh, before I left my place to come here.' He didn't get the job." --Lauren Gard, Infinite Public Relations

26. "Over a nice dinner, the president of a company conducted a final interview with a vice president of sales candidate. At the end of the interview, the job was going to be offered to the candidate. The waiter brought the bill and the candidate, who was employed at the time, took it, pulled out his company credit card and said, 'Don't worry about this, I'll put it on my company's expense account.' The president later said he didn't know which shocked him more, the lack of ethics or the candidate's stupidity. Obviously the job offer was never extended." -- Brian Marchant-Calsyn, Health Career Agents

27. "An executive search recruiter was explaining the qualities needed for the job: multitasking, hard-working, time management skills, attention to detail, etc. The candidate responded with, 'I can't do that. I'm not a robot.'" --Andrea Friedman, public relations coordinator, The LaSalle Network, a Chicago professional staffing and recruiting company

28. "A recruiter was in the midst of an interview, when the candidate asked, 'Do you mind if I use your kitchen to eat my turkey sandwich?'" -- Friedman

29. "An executive search recruiter asked the candidate, who was previously an accounting manager, what their ideal job would be. The candidate responded with, 'A Playboy photographer.'" -- Friedman

30. "I had to interview for a position that required organization, time management and attention to detail. My candidate was young, in his early 20s, and wore all black to the interview. We were a very casual office, so I thought nothing of it. But when I asked him to describe for me an instance when he had managed his time effectively, he cited managing his time in dungeon raids in the online game 'World of Warcraft.' When I said I knew the game and had even played it a bit, he took that as his cue to answer all my questions with 'World of Warcraft' examples. The word 'necromancer' came up far too many times. Needless to say, I was looking for real-world examples and he didn't get the position." -- Jennifer Escalona

31. "One of the funniest things an applicant said to me was in response to my question, 'What do you like in an office environment?' The applicant said, 'I like 42nd and Broadway.' Needless to say, that wasn't what I was asking, and that wasn't anywhere near our office location." -- Sharon Armstrong, author of "The Essential Performance Review Handbook"

32. "'I have a hunch that someone in your office is dating an ex-boyfriend/acquaintance of mine and I feel that's too awkward of a conflict of interest. I will not accept any job based on this kind of pork-chop recommendation.' Especially amusing because no one in our office at the time was dating any men. We still have no idea where the candidate came up with this theory, or what exactly she means by 'pork-chop recommendation,' for that matter." -- Anne Howard, Lynn Hazan & Associates

33. "In an interview, the oddest thing has to be a candidate asking if we had any food that she could have." -- Howard

34. "When I interview candidates, I always ask the following questions in this order: What are you most proud of? What do you enjoy doing? Why did you leave your previous jobs? Here are the answers I received from one candidate: 'I am most proud of my wife and children.' 'The thing I enjoy most is spending time with my family.' 'I decided to quit. I had an affair with a co-worker and when we broke up there was too much tension in the office.' And he said it without batting an eye." -- Bruce, executive recruiter and career counselor, Hurwitz Strategic Staffing Ltd.

35. "One time during an interview, a candidate removed his flip-flops and literally stuck his foot in my face. Another time, I was interviewing a candidate who asked me out on a date three times in five minutes. I had to remind him that he was on an interview -- not speed dating." -- Heather Araneo, branch manager, Snelling Staffing - The Wyckoff Group

36. "Interviewer (president of a mid-sized company): Do you plan on having children?
Answer (me/candidate): Yes, at some point.
Interviewer: Do you intend to continue working then?
A: Yes.
Interviewer: What are you going to do, be like a cow and drop it in the middle of a field?" -- Janice Warren, director, OneReport, SRI World Group

37. "One day, I met with a candidate who, on his résumé, had good experience and education. I was going through the normal interview questions with him when I asked him which accounting system he had implemented. His response was immediate: 'PEACHTREE!' But then he started shaking his head and saying, "No, no, no' and then he slapped himself across the face and said 'NO! QUICKBOOKS!'" -- Meghan Norman, corporate recruiter

[Honeylioness]

In case you didn't know...


Women are Angels







And when someone breaks our wings.... We simply continue to fly....






On a broomstick....



We are flexible like that.

[Honeylioness]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa...
half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe ...
well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain...
very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece....
gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain...
with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel ...
has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada....
cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet....
wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ...ruled by nuts.

[Honeylioness]

THE PATIENT GRANDFATHER


A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little sh*t's name is Fred."

[Honeylioness]

Why Women Are Crabby


We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.


Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.


Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about..


Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.


Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.


Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.


After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.


Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?


When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.


So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.


Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

You think women are the 'weaker sex?'

Yeah right. Bite me!

[Honeylioness]

Questions That Haunt Me- Old but FUNNY! DAMN IF I KNOW[/u]


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? .....
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's inside your Ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the
first place?

[Honeylioness]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby. Checked his weight and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed" she replied. "Well strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said. "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk"

"I know" she said "I'm his grandma. But I'm glad I came"

[Honeylioness]

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

[Honeylioness]

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:






1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10 A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21 An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes




HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY






1. Leave him alone

[Honeylioness]

Waking Up is Hard to Do


If these 5 Minnesota nurse-anesthetists can pass gas as well as they can sing, I want my next surgery in their hospital.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOrjcLJ2IE0

[Honeylioness]

MASSACHUSETTS FOLKS WILL UNDERSTAND !!!!

1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.
2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.
3. When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke.
4. You went to Canobie Lake Park or Whalom Park as a kid.
5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
6. You do not recognize the letter 'R' as a part of the English language.
7. Your social security number starts with a zero.
8. You can actually find your way around the streets of Boston .
9. You know what a 'regular' coffee is.
10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.
11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent.
12. Springfield is located 'way out west'.
13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Billerica , Gloucester , Haverhill , Leominster , Peabody and Worcester .
15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.
17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.
20. You order iced coffee in January.
21. You know that the MBTA Purple Line will take you anywhere.
22. You love scorpion bowls.
23. You know what they sell at a Packie.
24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.
25. You know what First Night is.
26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus. Bonus: You know how to pronounce Seamus.
27. McLobster=McCrap
28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.
29. You know there are 6 New England states, but that Connecticut really doesn't count.
30. You give incomprehensible directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself, 'Ah, screw them.'
31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.
32. You hate the Kennedys, but you vote for them anyway.
33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional.
34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.
35. You've been to Good Time Charlie's.
36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day.. (... and they DO).
37. You have never actually been to 'Cheers.'
38. The words ' WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
39. You've been to Fenway Park .
40. You've gone to at least one party at U MASS.
41. You own a 'Yankees Suck' shirt or hat.
42. You know what a Frappe is.
43. You've been to Hempfest.
44. You know who Frank Averuch is.
45. ADVANCED: You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown
46. You can complete the following: 'Lynn, Lynn ......'
47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be Snows.
48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time.
50. You never go to Cape Cod,' you go 'down the Cape '.
51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.
53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plimouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school.
54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.
55. You remember Major Mudd.
56. You know what candlepin bowling is.
57. You can drive from the mountains to the ocean all in one day.
58. You know Scollay Square once stood where The Government Center is.
59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around. Speaking of which.... Can you still hum the song from the end of Boom Town ?
61. Calling Carrabba's an 'Italian' restaurant is sacrilege.
62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your attic.
63. You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line.
64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are in town.
65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't a surprise.
66. You call guys you've just met 'Chief' or 'Boss.'
67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means only 3 more shopping days until Christmas.
68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy.
69. You refer to Savin Hill as 'Stab 'n Kill.'
70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park , but recommend it to tourists.
71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.
72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.
73. 11 pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloons!
74. 2 am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's Roast Beef! The one on Revere Beach not the one on Route 1.
75. 5 am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat.
76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
77. People you don't like are all 'Bastids.'
78. You took off school or work for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade.
79. You've called something 'wicked pissa.'
80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.
81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman.
82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38.
83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.
84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.
85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox.
86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
87. Your town has at least 6 pizza and roast beef shops.
88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.
89. 20 degrees is downright balmy as long as there's no wind... then it gets wicked cold.
90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden .
91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice 's Restaurant.
92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was named Athah Feedlah.
93. You know what the Combat Zone is.
94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax.
95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left turn.
96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.
97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night.
98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.
99. Hearing an old lady shout 'Numbah 96 for Sioux City means it's time for steak.
100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Filene's, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, and Ann & Hope.
101. You actually understand this E-mail and will pass it on to other friends from Massachusetts .