Humorous Items

[Honeylioness]

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!


1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
I'm retired. Go around me!

Some Senior Thoughts
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter


19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE......

[Honeylioness]

Social Services

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin.
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

[Honeylioness]

The Good Napkins


********************************
Remember the person setting the table is 4 yr old. They tend to be very literal.

This is too good to not share. I think we are the last generation to know what 'napkins' are. THE GOOD NAPKINS ... Ahhhhh.

*********************************

The joys of having Girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).


One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ''napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?


Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).


Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.


When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, Then began giggling.


Next came my father, who roared with laughter.


Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top.


I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!


My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.


'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'


Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh. Life is too short for drama & petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly...and for heaven's sake, use the good napkins whenever you can

[Honeylioness]

Balls: AN INTERESTING OBSERVATION


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And . . .
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles

[Honeylioness]

SPRING HAS SPRONG
(In this case, we're wondering what these dogs were thinking!)

By Dave Wiley

I was driving home from work when I heard it. SPRONG!! I had no idea what the noise was, but something had just given way on my 1994 Chevy Suburban. I pulled off the side of the road, looking for the source of the noise. Today especially was not a good day for my truck to turn from an old reliable vehicle into an inanimate object. Not that it’s ever a good thing for your car to break down, but our other vehicle was in the shop and I had to pick up my wife from work later and retrieve her car. I pulled into the driveway and gave the truck one more going over. I didn’t see anything wrong. I went in the house and fed the dogs, and then on a whim decided to take them with me to pick up my wife.

It’s always a treat for them to go for a ride, and Lisa always likes the pleasant surprise of five faces in the car window instead of the normal two. After feeding and bodily function refreshing of the dogs, we all packed into the truck to go get Aiden from daycare. I am probably a bad dad for letting the dogs roam the truck while I drive instead of kenneling them, but I do, and they are pretty good about lying down.

Kodah, Samoyed number one, likes the front seat (unless of course Lisa is in it). Kia, Samoyed number two prefers the way back. Kenndrah, the miniature pinscher, just likes being wherever something is going on in the truck. Everyone had taken up their normal posts. Kodah was still doing her spin-and-find-the-ultimate-comfortable spot on the front seat, when I heard a noise that sounded like dog gas. Oh man!!! Kodah heard it to, and stood up to sniff her rear.

Interestingly, all my dogs handle their food sharing experiences differently. Kodah stands up and smells her rear. I guess since she enjoys food so much, it’s just sort of a review of what she had for dinner. Then she drifts off to sleep, reminded by the smell of whatever it was she ate. Kia on the other hand, won’t move a muscle. If there wasn’t a sound association, you wouldn’t even know she’d done anything until the aroma hit. Kenndrah is the most animated of the three when it comes to her flatulence passing. She runs around in a circle, basically trying to smell her own rear, then she “scoots”, foot shuffles, and finally for a grand finally she emits a small bark. Scooting is sitting on the floor, preferably carpet or something soft, and sort of dragging her rear end, much like she is wiping herself on the carpet.

The shuffle is just as it sounds. She stands in one place, takes her two back feet, and alternately kicks them until she is satisfied she has buried the offending smell with invisible smell destroying material. Outside, it’s a bunch of flying grass. The small bark at the end is only used when she has aromatically shared her food. I have never heard that bark used to say “dad, give me a carrot”, or any other communication. I should clarify here. Kenndrah goes through this ritual anytime ANYONE passes gas, not just when she does it. The only difference is when someone else does it, she runs around and smells all rear ends in the region until she finds the offending rear end, THEN she starts the scoot, shuffle, bark dance. If she can’t figure out who it was, she’ll go to the center of the room where the ritual can be viewed by all possible offending parties. If she does figure out who did it, she performs her little dance right in front of the offending party just to let them know she is privy to who did it.

Anyhow back to the story. After Kodah finished checking herself and found out she’d done nothing, she looked around. Kenndrah heard the sound and immediately shifted into search and detect mode, but was also unable to come up with the culprit. Kia just sat in the back looking out the window. She was a possibility, but the sound came from the front. Kodah again decided to sit down, and when she parked herself, once again came the fatal Pfffffffttttt noise. She stood up, checked again. Nothing. Kenndrah again when into search and detect mode, also coming up with nothing. Scoot, shuffle, bark… and she hopped into the backseat again.

A third time Kodah went to lay down. Pffftttttt…. Stand up, sniff, Kenndrah hopped up front, check, scoot, shuffle, bark, hop to the back. I pushed on the seat where Kodah was sitting. SPRONG!!! Ahah. The noise I’d heard earlier. A spring must have broken in the seat. I think it spronged because I could push harder than Kodah could lay down, so when she laid down it sounded like a fart rather than the sprong it made when I pushed. We’d reached daycare and I went in to get Aiden. We came out and he was excited, as usual, to see the dogs in the truck. Everyone piled in and of course the whole noise, check, hop into the front, check, scoot, shuffle, bark, hop in back thing started all over again.

Now though it had the addition of Aiden laughing his little tush off after Kenndrah finished her grand finale bark. So went the entire half hour trip to pick up Lisa. Circle, lay down, pffftttt, stand up, sniff, hop, check, scoot, shuffle, bark hop laugh. No culprit found. The sound effects reminded me of watching Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I kept thinking of that machine that made the everlasting gobstoppers. It would make series of noises in a cadence before spitting out a finished gobstopper. Of course my deranged mind expanded the thought into what the Oompah Loompa’s would sing about this little scenario going on in the car.

Oompah, loompah doompah dee dooh
Someone has gas, but no one knows who
Oompah, Loompah, Doompah dee dee
All I know for sure is that it is not me

What do you get when your front seat is broke?
You get a strange noise and a good doggy joke
None of the dogs know from where the sound comes
And they keep checking everyones’ bums

Oompah, loompah doompah dee dooh
Now my little son is laughing too
Oompah, loompah doompah dee dee
Wait until our mommy can see

I sang my little tune to my son, who found it immensely entertaining. He would sing the Oompah Loompah parts of the song as well. Now we were up to: Circle, lay, gas noise, stand up, sniff, hop, check, scoot, shuffle, bark, hop, giggle, sing the oompah loompah song, laugh. Finally, we reached our destination.


Lisa came walking out right about the time Aiden was laughing his little head off. “What’s so funny?” she asked. I told her to take a seat in the back and she would find out. Now Kodah wouldn’t sit down anymore. Aiden was in the back going, oompah, oompah, oompah. Lisa wants to know why he is saying that. I keep telling her, “Just wait, just wait, Kodah has to lie down”.

Then came ten more minutes of nothing. Finally Kodah does her spin. I say “Here we go!!” Aiden starts to giggle. Kodah lies down. Pfffttttt. Lisa says “What was that”? I tell her to just watch. Kodah sniffs her rear, Kenndrah starts searching, including sniffing Lisa now. Aiden giggles his little anticipatory laugh because he’d just been checked for gastronomic expulsion. Kenndrah dives into the front seat and checks Kodah and me for any signs of being the instigator. Then she scoots, shuffles, and does the little bark thing and hops back into the back seat. Aiden and I sing the Ooompah loompah song, and then Aiden busts out laughing.

Granted the situation is funny enough, but you throw in the belly laugh of a little kid who is only fifteen months old, and you can only laugh harder. I am laughing so hard I am crying. Aiden is laughing so hard I assume he probably wet his diaper. Lisa is laughing but looking at us like we are lunatics. She says “so this is what you guys do in the car when I’m not here?” Then Kodah spins, lays, Pfffftttt and Aiden shifts back to just the anticipatory giggle. Here we go again!!! Windshield wipers don’t help when the water is in your eyes.

Copyright 2005 by Dave Wiley
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Used with permission of the author

[Honeylioness]

A Kitten's 12 Days of Christmas Mischief

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me...

A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to
grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second,
Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully
kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie
dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three
sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to
remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename
the recipe Paw Print Cookies.


On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me....

On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon
has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office
visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55
X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas
decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet
removed the 3' curly *tail* in slightly less than two seconds by
tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.


On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me...

13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to
chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving
the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under
the tree. How was I to know the kitten was actually measuring its
climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.


On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me...

A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men
plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99


On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me...

The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an
accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone.
Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled
out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood
stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice.
Although the amount must remain secret according to our
settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many
soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major
Windfall!


On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me...

The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really.
While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased
a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the
same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long
time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas
wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind
of bows Sara can't unravel.


On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me...

The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one
earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel,
a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale
price: $29.95 plus tax.


On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me...

Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten
could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha
guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded
once she got those rascally strings out of the way.
Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way I
came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous
escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar
for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to
get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our
annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings:
$12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.


On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me...

My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's
delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line:
$17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B
through H.


On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me.....

The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a
disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed
a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time
favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful
Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95.
Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of
kittens with kleptomania.


On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me.....

The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it
was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now
infamous words: "Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a
little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner.


On the twelfth day of Christmas........

Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.

[Honeylioness]

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[Honeylioness]

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --
Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.-- Ricky, age 10

[Honeylioness]

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his movements

So whats so hard about that ?


HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's really not too difficult but.... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. Go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.


BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT

53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes. —

[Honeylioness]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ...

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
...
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

[Honeylioness]

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog.

Walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the T...V was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

[Honeylioness]

WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Honeylioness]

SHERIFF EXAM



A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6'
2" strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of
age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the
West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test" that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

* six illegal aliens
* six lawyers,
* six meth dealers,
* six Muslim extremists,
* six Democrats,
* and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"


I LOVE TEXAS

[Honeylioness]

Growing up without a cell phone

If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH... ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

[Honeylioness]

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE A TEACHER? By Jeff Foxworthy

1.You get a secret thrill out of laminating things.

2.You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.

3.You walk into a store and hear the words, “It’s Ms./Mr. ____________ and know you have been spotted.

4.You have 25 people who accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.

5.You can eat a multi-course meal in under 25 minutes.

6.You’ve trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day, lunch and planning period.

7.You start saving other people’s trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.

8.You believe the Teacher’s Lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.

9.You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 7 to 3 and have summers off”.

10.You believe chocolate is a food group.

11.You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.

12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids are sure mellow today.”

13.You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.

14.You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.

15.You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

16.You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.

17.You can’t pass the school supply aisle without getting at least 5 items!

18. You ask your friends to use their words and explain if the left hand turn he made was a “good choice” or “bad choice.”

19.You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.

20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer.

21.You understand, instantaneously, why a child behaves in a certain way after meeting his/her parents.