Humorous Items

[Honeylioness]

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...





Forget Rednecks .... If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

If Vacation means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England

If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .

If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England

If you think everyone else has a funny accent, you live in New England .

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends, you live or have lived in New England.

[Honeylioness]

A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots

by Jeff Foxworthy:

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn’t be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

What a country!

How about we give God a reason to continue blessing America!

Amen (thank you Jeff)

[Honeylioness]

GOD CREATED VIRGINIA


God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Virginia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington , D.C....Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[Honeylioness]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.

At the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she lept at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.

I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

[Honeylioness]

Jay Leno set Free - Great one liners!


Now that he's a short timer, Jay does not feel constrained to stay within the network guidelines of "no Obama criticism and staying "Politically correct" -- what a breath of fresh air!

"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS."

On NSA surveillance: "We wanted a president who listens to all Americans - now we have one."

On a new IRS commissioner: "He's called 'acting commissioner' because he has to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House."

On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: "If he really wants to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company. The doors will be shut in a month."

Concerning the Benghazi, Associated Press, and IRS scandals: "Remember in the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?"

On Obama saying he didn't know about the IRS scandal: "He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS."

"The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi: Hope and change the subject."

"It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going hrough everybody's phone calls and records."

"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today his teleprompter took the fifth."

"Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'"

"These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten."

On Obama's commencement address: "He told the young graduates their future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs."

On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel: "The only other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read the official report on Benghazi."

On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: "They took 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House."

[Honeylioness]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[Honeylioness]

Christmas Swappin‘ Terry Nash

Christmas morning at our winter camp began early this year.
I’m snuggled in my soogans when Kathy hollers in my ear,

“Wake up! There’s a prowler! I hear someone outside!”
I stumbles to the closet; startled, sleepy, bleary-eyed,

Pulls on a shirt and Wranglers against the winter weather
Not wantin’ to traipse outside In just my all-togethers.

Grabs up my forty-five, makin’ sure the shooter’s loaded,
Dons my Wimberly and boots since the yard is likely mudded.

Steps out in the moonlight, early morning clear and cold
Grumblin’ to myself about gettin’ too danged old,

And how I’d rather still be sleepin’ nestled happy in the sack
‘Stead of trudgin’ through the yard, cold air creepin’ down my back.

When I notice, in the frost, there’s footprints on our shingles
Trackin’ right up to the chimney and I conclude... Kris Kringle’s

Paid a visit to our camp! So I runs back in the kitchen,
Where I hollers in to Kat “It was Santa! Donner! Blitzen!”

She yells “Take off them muck boots ‘fore comin’ in this place!”
But the kid in her’s emergin’, I can see it in her face.

We dashes to the living room where our Christmas tree is rockin’.
Donner’s grazin’ popcorn strings while Santa’s stuffin’ stockin’s.

Kat gathers broom and dustpan, eyein’ the floor behind the deer;
Hands the tools to Santa and with menacing look says “Here!”

There was oranges, nuts and chocolate, gift wrapped packages and more,
But I’m gettin’ some suspicious and I turns back to the door.

I’d already counted reindeer and my tally’s somewhat off.
I peers out at the haystack and there’s that scamp, Rudolph,

Red nose buried in the horse hay stacked adjacent to the barn,
Where the mares is all a-twitter, nickerin’ their alarm

At this antlered thief who’s eatin’ more than any horse’s share,
His belly near a-burstin’- pilferin’ winter forage there.

I saddles up ol’ Sherman, builds a big loop in my twine.
Gonna lass’ this deer’s hind trotters - learn him manners he should mind.

When I hears St. Nick a sayin’ “Hold on cowboy, do ya ‘spose
We could come to some arrangement that’d spare ol’ Rudolph’s nose?

Now, you’ve left no milk nor cookies, and for that I thank you friend,
As the missus oft’ asserts - my old belt has reached it’s end.

But my reindeer, on the other hand have gotten sorta gant.
I haven’t floated teeth this year and they’re lackin’ nourish...mant.

Now, your sweet hay shore suits him, would a barter meet yer needs?
Say, chaps and hand-tooled saddle for several bales of feed?”

We shakes and he jumps to his sleigh; produces empty toy sack;
Stuffs twenty bales inside, then hands me bullhide chinks and kack.

Gets his team back in the harness and before I blink an eye
He’s off and chargin’ westward - just a speck up in the sky!

The wife’s in cookin’ breakfast when I strolls in with my plunder,
She says “Where’s mine?” Then eyes the Christmas tree in wonder....

“You weren’t forgotten Hon,” I sez, and hugs her tenderly,
“He left manure fork and Ironing board underneath the tree!”

That night I’m wishin’ Kringle’d kept her presents in his pouch
As I’m eatin’ cold leftovers and sleepin’ on the couch!

[Honeylioness]

Redneck Churches according to Jeff Foxworthy



1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..

When they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, people ask whether the two fish were bass or catfish and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4WD pickup truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..

The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..

Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..

The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

"Thou shalt not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

15. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

[Honeylioness]

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this...


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?


He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."



She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

[Honeylioness]

The Night Nurse


The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets.


Short & Sweet, a good one.


A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the
flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great.....some asshole's got my pen.

[Honeylioness]

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS, GRANDCHILDREN!)



To those of us who have children in our lives, Whether they are our own, grandchildren, Nieces, nephews, or students...

Here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was 'DON'T! '

'Don't what?' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!'

' No Way ! '

'Yes way! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit!' said God.

'Why? '


'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering Why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children

Having an apple break and He was ticked !

'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.

'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you? ' said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.

'She started it! ' Adam said.

'Did not ! '

'Did too! '

'DID NOT! '



Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.


Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom And they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.



If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think It would be a piece of cake for you ?



THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !



1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.




2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.



3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.



4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat Word for word what you shouldn't have said.



5. The main purpose of holding children's parties Is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.



6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.








ADVICE FOR THE DAY:



Be nice to your kids.. They will choose your nursing home one day!



AND FINALLY:



IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

[Honeylioness]

¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said, "Your freakin’ brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[Honeylioness]

Dear Abby,


My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's on his knees 7 times a day with Muslims.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the
same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?


Signed, Lost


***********************************************


Dear Lost,


Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle!

You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you.

You can divorce the jerk any time you want, but the rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 3 more years.


Signed, Abby

[Honeylioness]

WGN out of Chicago


What a beautiful story..............


I was driving home last night listening to a call-in program on WGN. People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.


Some guy called in and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley ... you are the same guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House".


I almost ran off the road!!!

[Honeylioness]

Why did the chicken cross the road?



SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

thingy CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will candle new eggs, file your important nests and balance your chicken inventory. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013. This new platform is much more stable and will never lose a chicken crossing the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?