Humorous Items

[Honeylioness]

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)



To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make
you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was 'DON'T! '

'Don't what ?' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! '

' No Way! '

'Yes way! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit! ' said God.


'Why? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked ! 'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.


'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you? ' said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.

'She started it! ' Adam said.

'Did not ! '

'Did too! '

'DID NOT! '

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day!

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:


'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!

[Honeylioness]

It is so funny! It gets funnier toward the end, so be patient! It is a great giggle, so turn on your sound and click on the link below!

Her comedic focus is for seniors. She is HILARIOUS! Her humor is clean! She calls her husband..."Left Brain"... so you will know who she is talking
about! She was Miss North Carolina in 1963, and she is still beautiful!!!

Don't Bungee Jump Naked!

www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=L1_W0LCHwK4

[Honeylioness]

A Buddhist approaches a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything". He hands the vendor a twenty and waits. After a few minutes, he says "Where's my change?" "Oh," said the vendor, "change comes from within!" You may groan now! (with thanks to another web site)

[Honeylioness]

Flight Attendant


A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading her Bible. Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The man said "I cannot sit here next to this infidel." The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat."

After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "There are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class."

About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."

Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said, "Therefore ma'am, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."

Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud; some even gave a standing ovation.I say, can I get an Amen to that! Feel free to pass this one to others!

[Honeylioness]

Car Keys

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."


There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.

"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
your car."



Yep it's the golden years.

[Honeylioness]

MASSPEAK

The following is a list of towns which are written phonetically to help you sound like a native:

Acton	ACT-in
Berlin	BERL-in
Billerica	BILL-rika
Boston	BAS-tin
Cape Cod	The Cape
Chelmsford	CHEMS-fud
Concord	CON-cud
Marlborough	MAR-bro
Medford	MEF-fa
Lancaster	LAN-cster
Lexington	LEXING-tin
Lowell	LOWL
Peabody	PEA-bitty
Wenham	WEN-um
Westford	WES(T)-furd
Westminster	Wes-MINSTER
Worcester	WOUS-ta

Additional MASSPEAK

Boston Common	The Common
Chowder	CHOW-da
Italian Area of Boston	The North End
Massachusetts	Mass
Massachusetts Turnpike	Mass Pike or The Pike
Pop	so-DA
The Prudential Center	The PRU
(Paul) Tsongas	SON-gus
Revere	ra-VEAH
Route 128	Interstate 95
Subway	The T
Sprinkles (for ice cream)	Jimmies
South Boston	SOUTH-ie
Tarter Sauce	TA-da
Very Good	Wicked Cool

[Honeylioness]

Punographics...

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[Honeylioness]

Fans declare in LMFAO parody that they're 'Trekkies and We Know It'


entertainment.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/11/11658238-fans-declare-in-lmfao-parody-that-theyre-trekkies-and-we-know-it?fb_ref=.T6058qiwkEI.like&fb_source=home_multiline

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNfYz6Yw0W8

[Honeylioness]

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer

---we'd both still be alive.

[Honeylioness]

Singing With Lutherans
By Garrison Keillor

I have made fun of Lutherans for years - who wouldn't, if you lived in North Dakota? But I have also sung with Lutherans and that is one of the main joys of life, along with hot baths and fresh sweet corn.

We make fun of Lutherans for their blandness, their excessive calm, their fear of giving offense, their lack of speed also for their secret fondness for macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings like they do.

If you ask an audience in New York City, a relatively Lutheran-less place, to sing along on the chorus of 'Michael Row the Boat Ashore,' they will look daggers at you as if you had asked them to strip to their under-wear. But if you do this among Lutherans they'll smile and row that boat ashore and up on the beach! And down the road!

Lutherans are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony. It's a talent that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head against that person's rib cage. It's natural for Lutherans to sing in harmony. We're too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing in unison. When you're singing in the key of C and you slide into the A7th and D7th chords, all two hundred of you, it's an emotionally fulfilling moment.

I once sang the bass line of Children of the Heavenly Father in a room with about three thousand Lutherans in it; and when we finished, we all had tears in our eyes, partly from the promise that God will not forsake us, partly from the proximity of all those lovely voices. By our joining in harmony, we somehow promise that we will not forsake each other.

I do believe this: These Lutherans are the sort of people you could call up when you're in deep distress. If you're dying, they'll comfort you. If you're lonely, they'll talk to you. And if you're hungry, they'll give you tuna salad!

The following list was compiled by a 20th century Lutheran who, observing other Lutherans, wrote down exactly what he saw or heard:

1. Lutherans believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray out loud.

2. Lutherans like to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four stanzas.

3. Lutherans believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital, even if they don't notify them that they are there.

4. Lutherans usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.

5. Lutherans believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.

6. Lutherans feel that applauding for their children's choirs would make the kids too proud and conceited.

7. Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while passing the peace.

8. Lutherans drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.

9. Some Lutherans believe that an ELCS bride and an LCMS groom make for a mixed marriage. (For those of you who are not Lutherans, ELCS is Evangelical Lutheran Church Synod and LCMS is Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. When and where I grew up in Minnesota, intermarriage between the two was about as popular as Lutherans and Catholics marrying.)

10. Lutherans feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.

11. Lutherans are willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.

12. Lutherans think that Garrison Keillor stories are totally factual.

13. Lutherans still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color of the season and think that peas in a tuna noodle casserole add too much color.

14. Lutherans believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.

And finally, you know you're a Lutheran when:

*It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service;

*You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can;

*Donuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee;

*The communion cabinet is open to all, but the coffee cabinet is locked up tight;

*You watch a 'Star Wars' movie and they say,'May the Force be with you,' you respond, 'and also with you'.

*It takes ten minutes to say good-bye.

Now you you know how to actually understand those folks from Lake Wobegon, MN!

[Honeylioness]

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......

I just never saw one mounted and framed."

[Honeylioness]

Craigs List


This is a must read!!!!!

YOU ARE PROBABLY NOT VERY INTERESTED IN ANY USED FARM EQUIPMENT BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIGSLIST.

FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 ( WASHINGTON , D.C. )

Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya . Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii . Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really sling the manure for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader next November.

I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.

Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington , D.C.

[Honeylioness]

THE BEST SENIOR MOMENT SO FAR.....

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent discussion between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester.

There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America . I politely declined to take one.

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said,

"Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq ? " The old woman looked up at her and said:

"Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my
husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam ... All three died so a pregnant dog like you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country.
If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."


~ God Bless America
I love getting old...

[Honeylioness]

This morning I went to The Benefits Office to sign my dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."

So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Dads are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first cheques next Friday.

Damn, this is a great country!!

[Honeylioness]

I Owe My Mother ....

**************************************

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, just do it outside... I just finished cleaning."



2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."



3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"



4. My mother taught me LOGIC .

"Because I said so, that's why."



5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."



6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."



7. My mother taught me IRONY .

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."



8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."



9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM .

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"



10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."



11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."



12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"



13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."



14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"



15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."


16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

"Just wait until we get home."



17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"



18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, the wind will change and they are going to get stuck that way."



19. My mother taught me ESP .

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"



20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."



21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."



22. My mother taught me GENETICS .

"You're just like your father."



23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .

"Shut that darn door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?"



24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."



And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"



But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!!



My mother taught me about CHOICE .

"Do you want me to stop this car?"