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Post by Honeylioness on Jun 14, 2012 9:54:08 GMT -5
10 Things Facebook Has Taught Me:
1. Punctuation. is. a..... lost cause.
2. People who comment the word "first" are rarely over the age of 15.
3. Lose and Loose now mean the same thing.
4. Spelling is a loost cause.
5. Their, They're and There are now interchangable as well.
6. Trolls usually have pseudonyms.
7. Some people think "Wat" is a word.
8. People really think other people want to see pictures of what they are eating.
9. I can't believe you are still reading this.
10. People like to click "Like".
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Post by Honeylioness on Jun 14, 2012 10:09:44 GMT -5
LONG LIVE THE FIGHTERS!!!
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Post by Honeylioness on Jun 17, 2012 16:58:32 GMT -5
Gentle Thoughts for Today -
Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then shit on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
IN JESUS NAME I PRAY, AMEN!
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Post by Honeylioness on Jun 17, 2012 17:09:23 GMT -5
Best Speeding Excuse - Ever
When asked by a young patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding?"
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes , but ..... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
Makes perfectly good sense to me.
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Post by Honeylioness on Jun 20, 2012 19:12:18 GMT -5
HISTORY OF MATH 1957 - 2010 (in the USA)
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math In 2010
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El coste de produccin es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
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Post by Honeylioness on Jun 25, 2012 19:31:55 GMT -5
The Chief
The Navy Chief notice a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John", the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.' Do I make myself clear?"
" Aye, Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay John, here's what I want you to do ...."
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Post by Honeylioness on Jun 27, 2012 21:17:32 GMT -5
You know Scripture says "a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.
A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.
Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
"Here boy!" she replies.
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A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
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(This one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
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Post by Honeylioness on Jul 10, 2012 23:23:31 GMT -5
Grins and Snickers:
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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Post by Honeylioness on Jul 13, 2012 17:09:55 GMT -5
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,
...walk into a very fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group..........
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
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Post by Honeylioness on Jul 16, 2012 16:30:17 GMT -5
A Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room.
"Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel".
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter ".
Husband: "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter !"
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Post by Honeylioness on Jul 27, 2012 16:12:23 GMT -5
A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.
Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my BUTT, not my head!"
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Post by Honeylioness on Jul 29, 2012 18:11:39 GMT -5
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman
rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to
the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as
I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped
off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his
hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'
***********************
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy,
came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was
doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'
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Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
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Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving
immunization shots to children.....One day, I entered the examining
room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'
With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
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On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'
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Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
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Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children
stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, that's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
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His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was
a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there!"
A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me?-
Well that's just a sign of good taste!
We'll be friends until I am senile.
Then we'll be NEW friends.
Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is.
The way you deal with it is what makes the difference.
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Post by Honeylioness on Aug 1, 2012 7:56:42 GMT -5
I believe this is the best one, yet, for "not messing with old people".
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
You know you're going to send this one on.
Don't mess with seniors!
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Post by Honeylioness on Aug 9, 2012 21:33:47 GMT -5
Title Search
YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS LAWYER!!!
Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application,
we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years
covered by the present application.
I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus'
expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana . God; therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"
The loan was immediately approved.
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Post by Honeylioness on Aug 14, 2012 20:26:38 GMT -5
WORDS - New Definitions
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
And MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
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