|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Feb 20, 2012 16:29:58 GMT -5
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to him
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange & blue - and my dad kept staring at her.
The teen would look over and find my dad staring, every time.
When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything Wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on His response - I knew he'd have a good one!
In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Feb 20, 2012 16:54:45 GMT -5
The Amish elevator
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number; and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Feb 21, 2012 2:15:49 GMT -5
WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark , it's winter in Wisconsin , and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Feb 23, 2012 17:19:15 GMT -5
Painting the Church
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of
their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.........
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over
the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint!
Repaint!
And thin no more!"
"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Feb 27, 2012 22:44:44 GMT -5
FATHER OF THE YEAR
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom manufacturer. These are customer complaints."
I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST!
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Feb 27, 2012 23:26:05 GMT -5
The Perfect Husband----
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure… go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...."
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Mar 12, 2012 13:20:50 GMT -5
Mature Lady Driver
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle..
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this
car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Mar 14, 2012 16:00:07 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Mar 14, 2012 16:01:01 GMT -5
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy..........
"It's a puppy
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Mar 16, 2012 15:02:50 GMT -5
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Mar 28, 2012 23:57:38 GMT -5
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
30. Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old ... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
31. Getting older is like visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet. What should be hot is cold. What should be firm is limp, and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu.
32. I'm starting to wonder how bad four years with no president would be.
33. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
34. Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow!
35. I keep hitting "escape" but I'm still here.
36. Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
37. Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down ... are the ones who got you mad in the first place.
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Apr 1, 2012 15:02:01 GMT -5
Sixty's Hits Are Being Revised
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits
with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo as if it were yesterday.
Seems as though I know them all!
They include:
Bobby Darin ---Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr ---I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees -- - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
Roberta Flack---The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?
Johnny Nash ---I Can't See Clearly Now?
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harem---A Whiter Shade Of Hair?
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations --- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba--- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy ---I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore---It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson ---On the Commode Again
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Apr 2, 2012 17:29:45 GMT -5
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Apr 2, 2012 17:30:35 GMT -5
There is a Muslim passenger in a taxi.
He asks the taxi-driver to turn off the radio.
He explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion, for in the time of the prophet, there was no music ... no radio.
So the driver turns off the radio, stops the car, leans over and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: "What are you doing?"
The driver replied: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get your ass out of my car and wait for a camel.
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeylioness on Apr 21, 2012 16:15:50 GMT -5
What's in the box?
IF YOU CAN NOT LAUGH AT THIS ONE- THEN YOUR DAY WAS REALLY BAD! PLEASE LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF SUNSHINE AND LAUGH OUT LOUD!
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
Don't mess with old people!!!!
|
|
