Humorous Items

[Honeylioness]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Honeylioness]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES



1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM .

[Honeylioness]

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!


Bubba had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID... THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU....THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET

[Honeylioness]

Italian Tomato Garden



An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, had gone to prison a few months before. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like
I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would
be over. I know you would be happy to dig the
plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where we buried the bodies last fall.

Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That next day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

[Honeylioness]

All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:


** Pythagorean theorem: .................................................... 24 words.

** Lord's prayer:....................................................................66 words.

** Archimedes' Principle: ................................................... 67 words.

** 10 Commandments: ...................................................... 179 words.

** Gettysburg address: ...................................................... 286 words.

** Declaration of Independence : ....................................1,300 words.

** US Constitution with all 27 Amendments : ................... 7,818 words.

** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage: ....... 26,911 words.


SORT OF PUTS THINGS INTO PROPER PERSPECTIVE, DOESN'T IT

[Honeylioness]

He Said To Me!


He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?



He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and fart



He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!



He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him ... . They don't have time.



He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.


He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.


He said..What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said. . . A widow.



He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Honeylioness]

nside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.

~ Cora Harvey Armstrong ~




Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

~ Unknown~




The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

~ Helen Hayes (at 73)~



I refuse to think of them as chin hair. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

~ Janette Barber~



Old age ain't no place for sissies.

~Bette Davis~





Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

~ Caryn Leschen ~



If you can't be a good example ~ then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

~Catherine~



I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.

~ Rose Anne Barr~


Behind every successful man is a surprised woman

~Maryon Pearson~


Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

~Eleanor Roosevelt~




"I love quilting and have plenty of material witnesses."
"Quilters come with strings attached!"

Authors Unknown

[Honeylioness]

Retirement !!! pretty amusingly insightful…;


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there . . .



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break…;spiked !


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he worked with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.



And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?

Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.




SERENITY


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied..
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?





Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'





The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs





I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.





I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.





An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.

'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'





My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.





Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.





It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.





These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'





THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Honeylioness]

Now that the space shuttles are being retired, one is being prepared for a final flight in the interests of science, and is being funded in part by the National Science Foundation.

The cargo bay is being modified by being pressurized - a requirement never before foreseen or required to haul gear up into space. A titanium framework has been designed, and will shortly be installed in the cargo bay. The purpose of the modification and final trip is to determine the effect of weightlessness on large mammals.

Shortly before blastoff, two cows will be safely strapped into the cargo bay and the doors sealed for takeoff. This trip into space has its' roots in American history, as it will truly be the herd shot 'round the world.

[Honeylioness]

Things that make you go HUMMMMMM?

God said : "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles."

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat that surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis

[Honeylioness]

Drafting men over 60

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier... 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-pregnant dog.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly Muslim terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

How about recruiting Women over 50 ......in menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night! (and we won't have to hear "Press 1 for English" anymore).

[Honeylioness]

The Pastors Salary




A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady
struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a
gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we realize we need to put on our rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

[Honeylioness]

Adults Only........Yeah... that's right Adults....


Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter,

The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;


Metal,

Wood,

Stone,


Anything she touched would melt.


Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. !

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?











M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

[Honeylioness]

THE OSTRICH


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right
amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I
say.."

[Honeylioness]

There are only TWELVE times in history when the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use.


They are as follows:


1. "What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?" -- Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.

2. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945.

3. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Gen. Custer, 1877.

4. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938.

5. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926.

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC.

7. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566.

8. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937.

9. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC.

10. "Awe c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1998.

11. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, 2002.


And the winner is! Dr'r'r'r'rum'm'm'm R'r'r'rr'ol'l'l'l please .........





12. "I need a Navy SEAL in my house like I need a @%#*^ing hole in my head." - Osama Bin Laden, 2011.