Humorous Items

[Honeylioness]

A Blonde's Cookbook



It's fun to cook. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me the extra bowls.



He wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing.. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper.



A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.



Today he asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Steve asked me why I was rolling around in the garden. I showed him the recipe instructions.



I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.



Kenny did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason he keeps counting to ten.



I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.



GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe . If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.



A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.



So she peels it off and starts screaming, 'I've won a motor home! I've won a motorhome!'



The waitress says, 'That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.?'



But the blonde keeps on screaming, “I've won a motor home! I've won a motorhome!'



Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize.



The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!'



And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...



(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)





'W I N A B A G E L'

[Honeylioness]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.

I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.

May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Green ville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.

And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[Honeylioness]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, Cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,

Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'


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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[Honeylioness]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED
BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1967. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-pregnant dog ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[Honeylioness]

Quote of the Day:


"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

[Honeylioness]

The Pastor's Ass



The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey That he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:


PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of Publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline Read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:


NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:


NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The bishop was buried the next day.



The moral of the story is .. . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . Even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life.


Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[Honeylioness]

Never Try To Outsmart A Woman.......



A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend?

And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?

We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.

Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."


The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asks.

Following the long weekend, he comes home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

He says, " But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"


You'll love the answer.



The wife replies, "I did. They're in your tackle box."


Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!! Wouldn't you just love to have seen his face.

[Honeylioness]

STORY ABOUT MAYONAISE



Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each Year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.



WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?

[Honeylioness]

Why some folks do not attend High school Reunions . . .


Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet
for l;unch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans
and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and
became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street
investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and
have a second home in Naples , Florida ..

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow
their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on
his thingy.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later,
Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They
live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked
at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty,
explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement
home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to
Alabama .

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[Honeylioness]

Pregnant Jewish Girl


A 20-year-old Jewish girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for 2 months and is pregnant.


Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.


Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.


He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."


"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account."


"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a
$25,000,000 bank account."


"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"


All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,


"So, you'll try again."

[Honeylioness]

Shampoo alert!



As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

It pays to read the warning labels my friends!

[Honeylioness]

MONTANA COWBOY'S BANK LOAN



A Cowboy from Libby , Montana , walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Montana for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around the US . "What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole Montana boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return??"

Don't mess with Cowboys.

[Honeylioness]

I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:


Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Customer 'Service'


This is not what I thought 'service' meant.


But today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.



BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

[Honeylioness]

Harlequin Novel, Updated.... 2011 Version:

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were
alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was
so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I
gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was
pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled
sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my
shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .





"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

[Honeylioness]

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS pregnant dog



Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she
refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,
and I'm wearing it,'' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''


(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)


Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
Women are Angels.

And when someone breaks our wings....

We simply continue to fly ........ on a broomstick..... We're flexible like that!