I don’t know what to think or feel …………………

[Honeylioness]

Last night around 9:30 pm my telephone rang. Not a rare occurrence this week as I am in the final steps of pulling together the booth my Guild is running at the town fair this weekend. But this was not about the Fair, or quilts, or the condo or even my family.

It was Hawk on the other end of the line. The same man who I have not heard from since mid-April when his younger brother screwed with me. No voice message, e-mail – nothing since then. He merely vanished off the face of the earth. And now here he is – his tone as nonchalant as if we had just spoken last week. And how ironic he would call me now. Because it will be two years this week since he left to go run around the desert with weapons.

My first question to him, as always, was “Where are you?” But I was NOT prepared for the reply “Spokane” I just sat there – numb and listened to him talk yet say not much of anything while a part of me thought of how I really did not feel anything at all. As though I was merely observing this conversation as an accidental bystander.

Then he mentioned The Dog. Now why did I put that in capital letters? Well, perhaps because this is not a normal dog. Not one of those stray dogs that you read stories about – where a serviceman adopts it and brings it home stateside. Nope, this is a specially bred German Shepherd – who even at 8 months weighs in at 95 pounds. The parents are both working dogs with two different military groups.

He first told me about the puppy in December or January – when he was working with Allied Forces during the Gaza uprisings. Who knew that six months later he would have somehow found a way to bring her back with him. Usually animals are quarantined for six months or so when they come into the country from overseas. I guess it is a different ballgame when you have papers and documents showing the animal was a gift from the Mossad.

He has been back in Washington for three days. He spent weeks prior to that at a military hospital. He also did not tell me just why he is no longer over “there” – nor did he answer the direct question. No big surprise I guess. He rarely does.

Needless to say I had a hard time sleeping last night – did not finally nod off until just after 2:00 am. Which partly explains this stupor I feel caught in. But what about the other? Why am I not reacting? No sense of elation or relief, no tears or joy or anger – just ….. nothing. Except for that small twinge of guilt. Guilt over my friendship with Callum – even though Hawk left me with no promises, no ring. Guilt over not feeling differently. Guilt over the thought “Do I even give a da*m anymore?”

He said “I love you” several times last night – but what does that mean? I don’t think he even knows. He also said that as soon as he can find a place to board The Dog he is getting on a plane and coming to me. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask “Why?”. But some part of my brain stopped my mouth in time. This is a conversation best done face to face and not courtesy of Verizon.

I talked to Mom this morning about all this. In ideal Mom style she was upset on my behalf and told me I was just in mild shock and not to worry too much about how I felt. That actually made me teary. The emotions would come when I was ready to deal with them. She also told me I had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, except for perhaps being so clam-like about Callum.

So there it is – the latest salvo in what is coming to feel like an almost endless barrage of rubbish and s*it I feel has been lobbed my way for weeks now. All I can do for the moment is – nothing. Not my best skill by the way – waiting that is. And IF Hawk does fly out here I will deal with it then. But this has to get resolved. I refuse to live another year in this emotional limbo. He is going to have to do most of the work to prove to me he actually means it this time.

Time to fish or cut bait fly-boy.

[Honeylioness]

Gin1984 - 06/30/09 02:30 PM

Honey, I have not been around long enough to figure this out, what does Hawk do? The only reason I ask is if he is in the military, like I get the impression he is, he may not have much time to call and tell you he is leaving, and to him this life seems normal. I would want to kick his @ss, but it may help to understand what he is thinking.

*************************************

A valid question, and an understandable one for anyone who has not been privy to the hassle of the last couple of years.

What does he do?

Hard to say really with all his extra "side" jobs. But the simplest answer is that he is a certified asbestos abatement contractor.

if he is in the military, like I get the impression he is

Well - yes and no. He enlisted in the Air Force in 1971 and did three tours of S.E. Asia until his knees blew out, at which time he joined the Army. He served several years in Greece and Afghanistan in the 1980's. Was over during Desert Storm and various other short term missions that I think it best I know nothing about.

However, all told he has done over 20 years of active official military service and is no longer considered true "military" - because if you are then you fall under the auspices of the DOD (Department of Defense). And this latest fiasco was due to his name being tossed around by the NSA

He is not really a "contractor" either. More like someone with very specialized training that the NSA has on a retainer of sorts so they can call on this group of men whenever they need something done under the radar.

Add to this the fact that he is 56 years old and perhaps you can begin to see why I thought it was ridiculous for him to agree to once again drag his a$$ into combat. There is hardly a bone in his body he has not broken at least once, and the topographical relief map of his scars is truly rather impressive.

At least folks can't say I am only after him for his looks.

he may not have much time to call and tell you he is leaving

Yes - he did. Several weeks in fact from the time he was asked to go overseas for an indefinite amount of time until he actually told me he was leaving. And at the same time he was supposed to be in the process of packing up to move in with me. That was two years ago this week. And this was not the first time since 9/11 - but this time he KNEW if he did not tell me beforehand he best never contact me again.

And this was an "invitation" not a command not an order. He had every moral and ethical standing to decline. To say "No thank you, I don't do that anymore" There is very little they could do. Certainly not court martial him - for then they would have to admit he existed and his Unit existed and that would blow their cover.

Contrary to what some media have portrayed - you don't get the letter from Uncle Sam that you are being deployed with only 24 hours notice. It just does not happen. Transferred maybe - but not a foreign deployment. There are financial and legal matters to be checked of on that the military is rather fussy about. The usual notice is 30 days. And it was not as if ninjas dragged Hawk off in the middle of the night with no warning to ship him to the Middle East. He had the time. He chose to postpone the telling.

and to him this life seems normal

He knows it is not "normal" or healthy on any level. But I believe from experiential evidence that he is addicted to the adrenaline. And he has this feeling that only he can do whatever it is that needs doing. That only he can keep the others safe. Something that was shown to him to be fallacious over and over during his time away.

But while he says one thing to me, his actions speak of the opposite or do not follow the words.

I would want to kick his @ss, but it may help to understand what he is thinking.

The frustrating part of this whole situation is that I DO understand to a large degree. I understand the "God complex" and the saviour mentality and the wanting the young "pups" to not have to see or do the things he has. My father was Military Intelligence, two uncles served in 'Nam and have never really recovered. On both sides of my family going back with documentation to the 1680's there have been warriors and soldiers and fighters on various sides of various conflicts. I come from a long proud line of military men. And I very much appreciate and honor their sense of duty and honor and justice.

But I want, I need, at least half the time - to be someone's first priority. To be the his primary focus. I want someone who can move on to the next phase of his life with anticipation. Not resignation that "oh well, it's better than nothing". I am too old to "settle", or play games or screw around anymore. I want a partner and a family. And if after spending time with Hawk and discussing this - he doesn't see that for himself in the next few months - then I will have to tell him it's over and walk away. Even though a part of me wants to force it to work so I don't feel as though I just wasted, or threw away, the last five years of my life.

[ses]

Honey--make yourself one of your fantastic lists while you are srill in semi shock of the things YOU need discussed when you are face to face. Some of these things will be very important, but also easy to put aside because they are difficult. If they are on your list they are harder to avoid. You need to clear up a lot to either close the relationship or find out where you want it to go together. Don't make it too easy on him. Make him fight for what he wants.