Post by Honeylioness on May 28, 2009 10:48:26 GMT -5
Honey - I love your instructions. you know how to do everything, don't you!?
Honey, still smiling about the virtual quilt. What a clever idea! You are one of those all-around creative people.
Why did these two comments posted on the NS/CS board of the WIRR make me so sad/uncomfortable/angry/upset?
They were not written by mean spirited women or complete strangers. There is no implied sarcastic or sneered inflection in the tone, no little icon that would even suggest them - and yet when I read the words in black and white on the screen - those negative tones and inflections are what I "heard" in my head.
Why is that?
This is not a new reaction to these types of comments. I can remember being about nine years old and starting in yet ANOTHER new school in a new State. Two girls sitting near me in the cafeteria were arguing over some piece of information one of them had heard from an older kid. I can't remember now what it was. But I do remember neither of them had the facts straight. One of them caught me listening to them and asked in a snide tone if I had something to say. And because I have always believed (often mistakenly) that people actually ask questions because they want to hear the answer - I replied. Most likely using vocabulary above grade level again. Not only did the girl sneer back that I was a Know-it-all but she made sure to tell all her friends that I was weird and strange. Thus limiting my chances at that school to make real friends.
After that I learned to bite my tongue and say nothing to anyone about anything. Thus perpetuating the impression that I was snobbish and thought I was better than everyone else. When in reality I was, and am, still painfully introverted. I still read voraciously and tagged along with my father and grandfather learning how to fix things, cook, garden, fish etc - but I never shared that information with the kids I went to school with or even those in my church classes. The girls in my Girl Scout troops knew of course - kind of hard to ignore when the number of badges I had earned kept increasing on my sash. But they were mostly like me also - not really fitting in with the majority of other kids our age.
As I got older and started dating I can remember a couple of rather memorable "discussions" with some guy or another where they were willing to draw blood to defend their belief in something I knew was wrong. As an example - this one yutz was convinced that Babe Ruth was called "the Splendid Splinter" not Ted Williams and that Ted's number was 12 when he was with the Red Sox (it actually was 9). I just could not let "the man win" when he was SO obviously wrong. That ended that relationship. At one time even my mother told me to "play down" my brains and let the man pontificate with authority and say nothing even if he was dead wrong about the color of the sky.
I just couldn't do it. Still can't. It feels like a lie to me, a bait and switch. "Hey hun, I am just so cute and will think everything you say is gospel - at least until we get married. Then the real me with the scary I.Q. is going to show up" Men say they want and like smart women. But perhaps that is only when they are dating, or only if that intelligence asserts itself in reading his mind about what he wants for dinner.
But I digress as is my wont.
I think perhaps I am still very self conscious about my abilities. And I still don't take compliments as graciously as I should. I still worry sometimes that people won't like me if they knew what my I.Q. really was. Or that they will see me as a "Know-it-all" because of the skills I have acquired over the years. Rationally I know it is really not my fault that I can remember almost everything I read, qualify for membership in MENSA, have an affinity for study & research and like history. Many of the things I know how to do I had to teach myself out of necessity. Living alone and so far from family there is no-one else to rely on. So either I figured it out or I tried to find the money to have someone else do it. I usually opt for the former.
I wonder at what age we finally get past reacting to things based on experiences we had early in life?
Perhaps we never do. If that's the case I need to either trust in the actuality of people's words without imposing old suppositions onto them, or go back to my earlier survival skill of remaining isolated where I don't encounter either compliments or criticism.
I think I'll opt for the former.
