Post by Honeylioness on Apr 16, 2009 9:21:24 GMT -5
Intuition is a strange aspect of our consciousness. We all have it, but we don’t honor it or use it to our advantage. How often have we read of instances where someone comments that they had a “bad feeling” about getting on the commuter train that day but they did it anyway – and are now being interviewed with the twisted wreckage cloaked in smoke behind them? Or hear of a woman after she is attacked saying that she did not feel comfortable about the man in the elevator but did not want to seem rude so she stepped inside anyways?
As women we especially need to pay more attention to our “inner voice” – including me.
My reaction to the conversation I had with Hawk’s brother the other night hit me hard, but with a few days hindsight I think was not so much what he said, as having to face the confirmation in myself of what I already knew to be the truth.
That my loving Hawk was either not enough for him, or it was too much. I am not a casual lover nor do I make the commitment to trust easily. Hawk was the first emotionally and physically intimate relationship I have had since the rape. So the confirmation in my mind that he has chosen to walk away from 4+ years of friendship, fights, holidays, tears and love struck me deeply and brought back all the negative feelings I struggled with after the assault.
Things like: Why didn’t I see this coming? How could I have been so stupid? Men are never to be trusted. I am not deserving of nurturing and care because I “let” this happen.
Thank God for the wonderful women at my local Rape Crisis Center. The skills and tools I learned from them were able to wriggle through the morass of negative self talk and remind me that this was NOT something I chose or wanted to happen. That there are no guarantees in life and we must accept that opening ourselves to another human being means we WILL be hurt at some point in some way. But that if we never make that choice then we are assured of never experiencing the sweeter emotions.
I have spent the last couple of days over-analyzing our last few talks, trying to second guess myself, saying things such as “Well, I probably should not have used THAT particular phrase”. Wondering if I could have been more patient or more understanding. And here is my conclusion:
I tolerated MUCH more than most people would have. I was supportive, nurturing and more often than not did not share my own problems and worries with him as I did not want him to be distracted from the business of staying alive. Yet I never received the some consideration. Not that I did not want him to share what was going on, or to feel that he could not vent if needed. But I am seeing that more and more in the last few months he never asked about ME or my life or what was going on here. I had started to feel that I was just someone he called to try and assure himself that he still had a connection to real life.
And his disconnect is NOT my fault. He is 56 years old. He was not drafted nor impressed into service. He did not even get a deployment notification from the Army or DOD. He was approached by the NSA to join a covert group to take out specific targets and be the “ghosts” in any upcoming situations. He chose to do this, though I am unclear as to why. No, that is not exactly the truth – I know some of why he did it. It is more accurate to say I don’t understand his reasoning or motivations, and not just because I do not have his background, or because he is a man – but because they seem to me to be his way of substituting for other areas of his life, and his own feelings of inadequacy.
I already miss my friend. All I can do is pray that God will keep him in His Loving Hand and trust in Him to know what is best.
As women we especially need to pay more attention to our “inner voice” – including me.
My reaction to the conversation I had with Hawk’s brother the other night hit me hard, but with a few days hindsight I think was not so much what he said, as having to face the confirmation in myself of what I already knew to be the truth.
That my loving Hawk was either not enough for him, or it was too much. I am not a casual lover nor do I make the commitment to trust easily. Hawk was the first emotionally and physically intimate relationship I have had since the rape. So the confirmation in my mind that he has chosen to walk away from 4+ years of friendship, fights, holidays, tears and love struck me deeply and brought back all the negative feelings I struggled with after the assault.
Things like: Why didn’t I see this coming? How could I have been so stupid? Men are never to be trusted. I am not deserving of nurturing and care because I “let” this happen.
Thank God for the wonderful women at my local Rape Crisis Center. The skills and tools I learned from them were able to wriggle through the morass of negative self talk and remind me that this was NOT something I chose or wanted to happen. That there are no guarantees in life and we must accept that opening ourselves to another human being means we WILL be hurt at some point in some way. But that if we never make that choice then we are assured of never experiencing the sweeter emotions.
I have spent the last couple of days over-analyzing our last few talks, trying to second guess myself, saying things such as “Well, I probably should not have used THAT particular phrase”. Wondering if I could have been more patient or more understanding. And here is my conclusion:
I tolerated MUCH more than most people would have. I was supportive, nurturing and more often than not did not share my own problems and worries with him as I did not want him to be distracted from the business of staying alive. Yet I never received the some consideration. Not that I did not want him to share what was going on, or to feel that he could not vent if needed. But I am seeing that more and more in the last few months he never asked about ME or my life or what was going on here. I had started to feel that I was just someone he called to try and assure himself that he still had a connection to real life.
And his disconnect is NOT my fault. He is 56 years old. He was not drafted nor impressed into service. He did not even get a deployment notification from the Army or DOD. He was approached by the NSA to join a covert group to take out specific targets and be the “ghosts” in any upcoming situations. He chose to do this, though I am unclear as to why. No, that is not exactly the truth – I know some of why he did it. It is more accurate to say I don’t understand his reasoning or motivations, and not just because I do not have his background, or because he is a man – but because they seem to me to be his way of substituting for other areas of his life, and his own feelings of inadequacy.
I already miss my friend. All I can do is pray that God will keep him in His Loving Hand and trust in Him to know what is best.
