Post by Honeylioness on Apr 14, 2009 13:56:51 GMT -5
Eight weeks – 56 days – 1,344 hours
That is how long it has been since I have heard from J (aka Redhawk). He has NEVER gone this long without contacting me before. Partly out of boredom caused by just sitting around waiting to get the order to actually DO something, partly because he KNOWS how worried I get about him.
56 days. Not even a message on my machine at some ungodly hour of the night/morning because he gets his time zones messed up and is eating lunch in a mountain pass somewhere while I am deep in dream land.
Someone on my WIR board suggested that he has been unable to get to a phone or computer and that would explain the silence. I know that is not the case. Their tech geek is much too good at “borrowing” the NSA and DOD satellites when they come overhead. I have heard from him aboard a Chinook leaving Somali airspace, in a mountain valley between Afghanistan and Pakistan, from the Kyber Pass, the desert tundra of Turkey, a hidden road winding into Iraq in the dead of night, and from Gaza during the Christmas war.
Eight weeks of not hearing or knowing anything. 56 nights not sleeping well and wondering if it would even occur to his family to tell me if anything was wrong. Several days of telling myself I was over-reacting and to just “be patient” and not bother his brother with my question as to whether he had heard from Hawk. Until with a push from the NS/CS ladies I picked up the phone.
So, I called his brother last night. Not the brother I was trying to reach though. See, the one brother I have met is named for his father - and it was the parent's house I reached in error. Fortunately his dad did not answer, his younger brother Billy did.
Now first let me see if I can muddy the waters for you all. While Hawk has met my entire family and spent two Christmases at my parent's home - I have never met anyone in his family except the one brother. The parents do not know that Redhawk is overseas being a soldier, they think he is still plugging along with his life in Spokane, WA. Baby brother Billy also has not been told, nor has the sister. However older brother Harry DOES know. But here I am on the phone with the younger brother and feeling that it is not my place to tell him where Hawk really is. So I have to introduce myself.
"Hello Bill, this is M.D. from Lowell, I am a friend of your brother J. How is your mom doing? ....... I see, well that is good she is stable ..... Bill, I was trying to reach Harry because, well, I have not heard from J in about two months and wondered if Harry had ......Oh...I see ...... you did talk to him yesterday for Easter ....yes, I knew it was J's birthday - another reason I was trying to get a hold of him .....what? ..... oh no, nothing's the matter .... we had a spat and well, it is just unusual to go this long without talking to him ......what? ....No..... No message ..... Thank you for your time"
Seems he calls about once a week to check on his parents. It is just me he will not contact. Or return calls from. Eight weeks. Well, I guess that makes things pretty clear doesn't it? Almost five years of my life wasted on a fictional relationship. Squandered on someone who was never going to commit or meet my needs. Who despite all his fine words to the contrary, in the end has tossed me aside like a used tissue. And why? Because the last time we spoke I DARED to get emotional and speak the truth as I saw it – and he didn’t like what he heard?
Selfishly I almost wish he had died instead. That way I could have held onto the fallacy as truth. That I really did mean something to him, that I really was cherished and loved unconditionally. That I had finally found someone after all this time with which to start a family with. I am not sure just how I feel at the moment: angry, numb, stupid, depressed, hurt, disbelieving, resigned.
Someone posted to me earlier that:
I have to say I disagree. This feels pretty bad.
That is how long it has been since I have heard from J (aka Redhawk). He has NEVER gone this long without contacting me before. Partly out of boredom caused by just sitting around waiting to get the order to actually DO something, partly because he KNOWS how worried I get about him.
56 days. Not even a message on my machine at some ungodly hour of the night/morning because he gets his time zones messed up and is eating lunch in a mountain pass somewhere while I am deep in dream land.
Someone on my WIR board suggested that he has been unable to get to a phone or computer and that would explain the silence. I know that is not the case. Their tech geek is much too good at “borrowing” the NSA and DOD satellites when they come overhead. I have heard from him aboard a Chinook leaving Somali airspace, in a mountain valley between Afghanistan and Pakistan, from the Kyber Pass, the desert tundra of Turkey, a hidden road winding into Iraq in the dead of night, and from Gaza during the Christmas war.
Eight weeks of not hearing or knowing anything. 56 nights not sleeping well and wondering if it would even occur to his family to tell me if anything was wrong. Several days of telling myself I was over-reacting and to just “be patient” and not bother his brother with my question as to whether he had heard from Hawk. Until with a push from the NS/CS ladies I picked up the phone.
So, I called his brother last night. Not the brother I was trying to reach though. See, the one brother I have met is named for his father - and it was the parent's house I reached in error. Fortunately his dad did not answer, his younger brother Billy did.
Now first let me see if I can muddy the waters for you all. While Hawk has met my entire family and spent two Christmases at my parent's home - I have never met anyone in his family except the one brother. The parents do not know that Redhawk is overseas being a soldier, they think he is still plugging along with his life in Spokane, WA. Baby brother Billy also has not been told, nor has the sister. However older brother Harry DOES know. But here I am on the phone with the younger brother and feeling that it is not my place to tell him where Hawk really is. So I have to introduce myself.
"Hello Bill, this is M.D. from Lowell, I am a friend of your brother J. How is your mom doing? ....... I see, well that is good she is stable ..... Bill, I was trying to reach Harry because, well, I have not heard from J in about two months and wondered if Harry had ......Oh...I see ...... you did talk to him yesterday for Easter ....yes, I knew it was J's birthday - another reason I was trying to get a hold of him .....what? ..... oh no, nothing's the matter .... we had a spat and well, it is just unusual to go this long without talking to him ......what? ....No..... No message ..... Thank you for your time"
Seems he calls about once a week to check on his parents. It is just me he will not contact. Or return calls from. Eight weeks. Well, I guess that makes things pretty clear doesn't it? Almost five years of my life wasted on a fictional relationship. Squandered on someone who was never going to commit or meet my needs. Who despite all his fine words to the contrary, in the end has tossed me aside like a used tissue. And why? Because the last time we spoke I DARED to get emotional and speak the truth as I saw it – and he didn’t like what he heard?
Selfishly I almost wish he had died instead. That way I could have held onto the fallacy as truth. That I really did mean something to him, that I really was cherished and loved unconditionally. That I had finally found someone after all this time with which to start a family with. I am not sure just how I feel at the moment: angry, numb, stupid, depressed, hurt, disbelieving, resigned.
Someone posted to me earlier that:
I find that the anticipation is usually much worse than whatever the outcome is.
I have to say I disagree. This feels pretty bad.
