Post by Honeylioness on Feb 18, 2009 16:21:45 GMT -5
18 February 2009
I received an e-mail from one of the women I message with regularly from the WIR NS/CS threads addressing a specific question I had about my CountryWide account. Towards the end of her message she wrote this:
So of course I started thinking about it - and thinking about it. Actually it seems as though this week I am doing a lot of thinking and writing about thinking - so what's one more?
Truthfully I did not have to think too long before a thought came to me that resonated as to WHY this may be an area I struggle with. At first I did not want to take what I sometimes view as the "easy excuse" - but the more I pondered it the more certain I am.
Mimi.
She was my mother's mother and No, that was not her real name - she just claimed that grandma or granny or our ethnic option of Muu-Muu was just much too dowdy and aging for her. So she choose Mimi when I was very young and I never thought of her of any other way.
Like many of her generation she came from a large family, at least by today's standards, of nine children; four boys and five girls. Her parents were Finnish immigrants though her father was born here her mother came over as a young bride. And Nanny was strict, very much concerned with "what would the neighbors think" and making sure her children always behaved properly in public. Which rubbed off on Mimi who tried to impose those same rules on her children - with semi-spectacular failure. Having learned more about her in the past 10 years I can look at her as an adult and have compassion on the confused, anxious, neurotic and fearful woman she was. But as a child I had no way of knowing any of the background information that would help explain her ways - nor would I have much understood.
My grandmother never truly forgave my father for his role in my being here - I think she did forgive my mother towards the end - but neither were ever really allowed to forget that they "had" to get married. And what an embarrassment it was for Mimi. Completely disregarding how difficult it was for my parents. So on one level she did her best to keep punishing them for their impulsive choices and what she saw as lack of control. And one of the ways she tried to maintain this hold over them was through money.
When I was little we were poor - not under budgeted, not broke because my folks blew money - but POOR. Probably should have tried for food stamps poor. Dad working all day and school at night to barely pay the rent poor. Mac n Cheese every night for dinner and meat only for the kids this week poor. And between my parents and grandparent's came the "revolving $20". Because Dad's company was new and struggling the worker's were often told to hold onto their Friday paychecks until Monday when there would be funds to cover them. So they would "borrow" some money from my grandparents to buy food and supplies for the week and perhaps pay a necessary bill, then pay them back on Monday. Until the next week or so when the money would revolve back again.
It sounds like a helpful thing done by older parents for their daughter and family right? WRONG! (at least on Mimi's side - Papa was never this way)
No chance to point out, specifically to my father, that it was her generosity that let them feed her grandchildren, was overlooked. even years later when my folks were doing comfortably well she would bring it up, or the tires they helped buy for our car, or the baby sitting, or use of the vacation cabin, etc. etc. etc. And for years I saw and heard my mother react with shame and embarrassment, until SHE learned to push back and stand up to this controlling nonsense. but that did not happen until many years later.
This is probably where I learned on a subconscious level that no "gift" is truly free unless it came from my parents or brother. All others most definitely had strings attached - long LONG strings. And obligation and guilt. Somehow that all got internalized from an early age - that accepting a gift gave the giver certain power over you to make demands. My grandmother even did this with us kids, the words may have sounded innocent enough but you always felt the controlling meaning behind them.
"Oh my, I see you are wearing pants. Well, that's okay if your mother allows it. I just thought that since it WAS Sunday and your grandfather and I came all the way out here for dinner you might wear that rather expensive dress I bought you for your birthday. But it's all right, I understand that an old woman like me doesn't really understand what a girl likes anymore"
I never really understood consciously where my gift aversion came from until recently, and this lady's question has really helped me better look at my reactions. Perhaps now I will be able to handle any other generous and loving offers with more grace then I did the last.
I received an e-mail from one of the women I message with regularly from the WIR NS/CS threads addressing a specific question I had about my CountryWide account. Towards the end of her message she wrote this:
I know this is from a long time ago, but you said that you feel uncomfortable accepting gifts from people. Have you analyzed the reason for this? There are a lot of people who feel that way too, my husband included. I however, don't understand this, because I grew up in a very generous house.
I believe the scripture says, "There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving." If you focus on the word 'more' in this scripture we can conclude that while there is happiness in giving, there is also happiness in receiving. There shouldn't be unhappiness in receiving. What do you think?
I believe the scripture says, "There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving." If you focus on the word 'more' in this scripture we can conclude that while there is happiness in giving, there is also happiness in receiving. There shouldn't be unhappiness in receiving. What do you think?
So of course I started thinking about it - and thinking about it. Actually it seems as though this week I am doing a lot of thinking and writing about thinking - so what's one more?
Truthfully I did not have to think too long before a thought came to me that resonated as to WHY this may be an area I struggle with. At first I did not want to take what I sometimes view as the "easy excuse" - but the more I pondered it the more certain I am.
Mimi.
She was my mother's mother and No, that was not her real name - she just claimed that grandma or granny or our ethnic option of Muu-Muu was just much too dowdy and aging for her. So she choose Mimi when I was very young and I never thought of her of any other way.
Like many of her generation she came from a large family, at least by today's standards, of nine children; four boys and five girls. Her parents were Finnish immigrants though her father was born here her mother came over as a young bride. And Nanny was strict, very much concerned with "what would the neighbors think" and making sure her children always behaved properly in public. Which rubbed off on Mimi who tried to impose those same rules on her children - with semi-spectacular failure. Having learned more about her in the past 10 years I can look at her as an adult and have compassion on the confused, anxious, neurotic and fearful woman she was. But as a child I had no way of knowing any of the background information that would help explain her ways - nor would I have much understood.
My grandmother never truly forgave my father for his role in my being here - I think she did forgive my mother towards the end - but neither were ever really allowed to forget that they "had" to get married. And what an embarrassment it was for Mimi. Completely disregarding how difficult it was for my parents. So on one level she did her best to keep punishing them for their impulsive choices and what she saw as lack of control. And one of the ways she tried to maintain this hold over them was through money.
When I was little we were poor - not under budgeted, not broke because my folks blew money - but POOR. Probably should have tried for food stamps poor. Dad working all day and school at night to barely pay the rent poor. Mac n Cheese every night for dinner and meat only for the kids this week poor. And between my parents and grandparent's came the "revolving $20". Because Dad's company was new and struggling the worker's were often told to hold onto their Friday paychecks until Monday when there would be funds to cover them. So they would "borrow" some money from my grandparents to buy food and supplies for the week and perhaps pay a necessary bill, then pay them back on Monday. Until the next week or so when the money would revolve back again.
It sounds like a helpful thing done by older parents for their daughter and family right? WRONG! (at least on Mimi's side - Papa was never this way)
No chance to point out, specifically to my father, that it was her generosity that let them feed her grandchildren, was overlooked. even years later when my folks were doing comfortably well she would bring it up, or the tires they helped buy for our car, or the baby sitting, or use of the vacation cabin, etc. etc. etc. And for years I saw and heard my mother react with shame and embarrassment, until SHE learned to push back and stand up to this controlling nonsense. but that did not happen until many years later.
This is probably where I learned on a subconscious level that no "gift" is truly free unless it came from my parents or brother. All others most definitely had strings attached - long LONG strings. And obligation and guilt. Somehow that all got internalized from an early age - that accepting a gift gave the giver certain power over you to make demands. My grandmother even did this with us kids, the words may have sounded innocent enough but you always felt the controlling meaning behind them.
"Oh my, I see you are wearing pants. Well, that's okay if your mother allows it. I just thought that since it WAS Sunday and your grandfather and I came all the way out here for dinner you might wear that rather expensive dress I bought you for your birthday. But it's all right, I understand that an old woman like me doesn't really understand what a girl likes anymore"
I never really understood consciously where my gift aversion came from until recently, and this lady's question has really helped me better look at my reactions. Perhaps now I will be able to handle any other generous and loving offers with more grace then I did the last.