Post by Honeylioness on Feb 17, 2009 16:37:38 GMT -5
Warrior –noun
[Middle English werreour, from Old North French werreieur, from werreier, to make war, from werre, war ], [OE. werreour, OF. werreour, guerreor, from guerre, werre, war]
warrior - 1297, from O.N.Fr. werreieor (O.Fr. guerreor) "a warrior, one who wages war," from werreier "wage war," from werre
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Right – time for another rumination on a word. Why this word? Well, I would have thought it was obvious.
Redhawk. Yep, my own little feathered warrior.
Warrior is not a word we use that often anymore in this society, preferring the term “soldier” or “enlisted personnel”. Which got me to wondering why the word seems to have fallen out of favor. I think it has nothing to do with the definition, but the connotations people have placed on it. That Warriors are somehow brutal, brutish, unfeeling killing machines conjuring up images of Genghis Kahn or ancient Samurais or even frigidly disciplined Centurions pushing future martyrs into the sand pits and lion dens.
However when I think of this word I see a Champion, someone who deals with the harsh realities of defense and protection that many either cannot, or will not, face. It also connotes for me the traits of Honor, Commitment and Sacrifice. The last of which is what I am struggling with so much these days.
Just when does one man's sacrifice of his time, talent and skill become an unbearable burden to those he leaves at home? How much, or how long, are those left behind supposed to wait and worry? I feel especially vulnerable and adrift for several reasons during this time he has been gone.
First: He was "invited" to go not by the DOD which will spell out specifics as to dates of deployment, but by the NSA which apparently does not have to extend any such courtesy to him or me.
Second: I do am not really sure that I have been told the entire truth about the parameters of his service. By that I mean - since he is not under the auspices of the DOD, and not even legally or technically where he is - then it strikes me he is there more as a volunteer than enlisted. And if that is the case - he has the ability to "un-volunteer" himself.
Third: If, as I am coming to believe, he could "resign" and say "Hey, after 20 months - I'm done guys" - then the question becomes: Why doesn't he?
I think the answer lies somewhere in the midst of various pieces of information I have received from him, what he says and doesn't say, from Callum and his experiences and from what I have gleaned in my readings and ruminations over this.
Somehow, on a level I really cannot comprehend - war is easier for him than what most would consider "normal" life. No long term planning is required, no laundry, no chores, no paying bills or dealing with a partner's hormones or emotions. You just live moment to moment with a group of other men you form strong ties with, speak a verbal shorthand with and who know what to do with only a nod of the head.
Where as HERE there are boring obligations: job, bills, laundry, cleaning, cooking, shopping. Not all that adrenaline inducing stuff.
More and more I find myself churning over and under in my head the pros and cons of this relationship. IS it even a relationship anymore? Wouldn’t that imply that the both of us are working on it or towards something instead of feeling as though I am the only one who sees this. And I do feel that way since HE never brings it up, or says anything about US or when he comes home.
So at what point do I cut bait? Can I look at myself in the mirror without remorse if I tell him over the phone instead of face to face or an e-mail? Do I tell him at all or just play his game where he rarely tells me all the details until months later - do I take that route? Go find someone else, someone who will actually show and say that he wants to be with me and make a life together? Or do I just continue to feel as though I am trying to hold onto shadows and that for him I am merely an occasional convenience. Someone to call when he is bored just to say that he does have someone back stateside?
Has my self esteem really tanked so low that I am willing to just take crumbs because it is easier than facing my own demons? Or am I just tired and lonely and sad. There are no easy or quick answers here - just - limbo.
- A person engaged in, or experienced in, warfare or battle; soldier.
- A person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics.
- One who is engaged aggressively or energetically in an activity, cause, or conflict
[Middle English werreour, from Old North French werreieur, from werreier, to make war, from werre, war ], [OE. werreour, OF. werreour, guerreor, from guerre, werre, war]
- A man engaged or experienced in war, or in the military life; a soldier; a champion.
warrior - 1297, from O.N.Fr. werreieor (O.Fr. guerreor) "a warrior, one who wages war," from werreier "wage war," from werre
---------------------------------------
Right – time for another rumination on a word. Why this word? Well, I would have thought it was obvious.
Redhawk. Yep, my own little feathered warrior.
Warrior is not a word we use that often anymore in this society, preferring the term “soldier” or “enlisted personnel”. Which got me to wondering why the word seems to have fallen out of favor. I think it has nothing to do with the definition, but the connotations people have placed on it. That Warriors are somehow brutal, brutish, unfeeling killing machines conjuring up images of Genghis Kahn or ancient Samurais or even frigidly disciplined Centurions pushing future martyrs into the sand pits and lion dens.
However when I think of this word I see a Champion, someone who deals with the harsh realities of defense and protection that many either cannot, or will not, face. It also connotes for me the traits of Honor, Commitment and Sacrifice. The last of which is what I am struggling with so much these days.
Just when does one man's sacrifice of his time, talent and skill become an unbearable burden to those he leaves at home? How much, or how long, are those left behind supposed to wait and worry? I feel especially vulnerable and adrift for several reasons during this time he has been gone.
First: He was "invited" to go not by the DOD which will spell out specifics as to dates of deployment, but by the NSA which apparently does not have to extend any such courtesy to him or me.
Second: I do am not really sure that I have been told the entire truth about the parameters of his service. By that I mean - since he is not under the auspices of the DOD, and not even legally or technically where he is - then it strikes me he is there more as a volunteer than enlisted. And if that is the case - he has the ability to "un-volunteer" himself.
Third: If, as I am coming to believe, he could "resign" and say "Hey, after 20 months - I'm done guys" - then the question becomes: Why doesn't he?
I think the answer lies somewhere in the midst of various pieces of information I have received from him, what he says and doesn't say, from Callum and his experiences and from what I have gleaned in my readings and ruminations over this.
Somehow, on a level I really cannot comprehend - war is easier for him than what most would consider "normal" life. No long term planning is required, no laundry, no chores, no paying bills or dealing with a partner's hormones or emotions. You just live moment to moment with a group of other men you form strong ties with, speak a verbal shorthand with and who know what to do with only a nod of the head.
Where as HERE there are boring obligations: job, bills, laundry, cleaning, cooking, shopping. Not all that adrenaline inducing stuff.
More and more I find myself churning over and under in my head the pros and cons of this relationship. IS it even a relationship anymore? Wouldn’t that imply that the both of us are working on it or towards something instead of feeling as though I am the only one who sees this. And I do feel that way since HE never brings it up, or says anything about US or when he comes home.
So at what point do I cut bait? Can I look at myself in the mirror without remorse if I tell him over the phone instead of face to face or an e-mail? Do I tell him at all or just play his game where he rarely tells me all the details until months later - do I take that route? Go find someone else, someone who will actually show and say that he wants to be with me and make a life together? Or do I just continue to feel as though I am trying to hold onto shadows and that for him I am merely an occasional convenience. Someone to call when he is bored just to say that he does have someone back stateside?
Has my self esteem really tanked so low that I am willing to just take crumbs because it is easier than facing my own demons? Or am I just tired and lonely and sad. There are no easy or quick answers here - just - limbo.