Post by Honeylioness on Feb 11, 2009 12:22:38 GMT -5
Not in regards to having a computer in the house. I have come to the realization that with my Guild and Condo Board commitments I would have a very difficult time if I did not have access to e-mail.
It's the wireless thing.
The "freedom" to sit on my ass on my couch upstairs. Which I am afraid will make it much to easy to do nothing from the time I get home from work until I finally go to bed.
I hate it when something new comes into my life that highlights for me this addictive side of my personality. Most of the time I don't consider myself as anyone who HAS addictions. But this is a reality check I guess. My smoking can be called an addiction - and I fear my computer at home is as well.
I find it much too easy to sit with the thing on my lap and waste away mostly mindless hours even as, in the back of my mind, there are things I need or want to do that are not be attended to.
WHY?
I know what comes to mind first. The Challenge Quilt for my Guild. The Challenge that I set up and have been promoting. But that I have not even started beyond some preliminary sketches. I am feeling discouraged before I even cut a piece of cloth about the project at all. I hear mainly negative tapes playing in my head "You won't win. Everyone else will do a better job than you. You will be the only person who even does one. B. always wins. You have left it too late to do even a decent job of it."
Where do these thoughts come from? Yes, I am rarely satisfied anymore with my creative work, and the more shows I attend the more dissatisfied I become with my own final products. I used to find joy and pleasure in the mere act of the creating. Where did that go? When did my own happiness get buried under thoughts of what a judge might think, or my guild, or even complete strangers?
I have this suspicion that this "stuck-ness" is merely a symptom of a greater underlying problem. The one I really have no idea what to do about. Perhaps if I did not feel so jerked around by that personal relationship - or even felt there WAS a real relationship - maybe other areas of my life would not seem so insurmountable. Or am I looking at it backwards. If I work towards making the other areas more fulfilling I might find out that either this "thing" is really not worth the emotional energy, or it will finally die a natural death. The hardest thing for me is that I cannot see myself as a cold hearted enough pregnant dog to break things off during one of our sporadic phone calls.
It's the wireless thing.
The "freedom" to sit on my ass on my couch upstairs. Which I am afraid will make it much to easy to do nothing from the time I get home from work until I finally go to bed.
I hate it when something new comes into my life that highlights for me this addictive side of my personality. Most of the time I don't consider myself as anyone who HAS addictions. But this is a reality check I guess. My smoking can be called an addiction - and I fear my computer at home is as well.
I find it much too easy to sit with the thing on my lap and waste away mostly mindless hours even as, in the back of my mind, there are things I need or want to do that are not be attended to.
WHY?
I know what comes to mind first. The Challenge Quilt for my Guild. The Challenge that I set up and have been promoting. But that I have not even started beyond some preliminary sketches. I am feeling discouraged before I even cut a piece of cloth about the project at all. I hear mainly negative tapes playing in my head "You won't win. Everyone else will do a better job than you. You will be the only person who even does one. B. always wins. You have left it too late to do even a decent job of it."
Where do these thoughts come from? Yes, I am rarely satisfied anymore with my creative work, and the more shows I attend the more dissatisfied I become with my own final products. I used to find joy and pleasure in the mere act of the creating. Where did that go? When did my own happiness get buried under thoughts of what a judge might think, or my guild, or even complete strangers?
I have this suspicion that this "stuck-ness" is merely a symptom of a greater underlying problem. The one I really have no idea what to do about. Perhaps if I did not feel so jerked around by that personal relationship - or even felt there WAS a real relationship - maybe other areas of my life would not seem so insurmountable. Or am I looking at it backwards. If I work towards making the other areas more fulfilling I might find out that either this "thing" is really not worth the emotional energy, or it will finally die a natural death. The hardest thing for me is that I cannot see myself as a cold hearted enough pregnant dog to break things off during one of our sporadic phone calls.