General Journal Entries

[Honeylioness]

07 September 2011


Well, as of today Milla has been with me for two weeks. And what a couple of weeks it has been.

- Getting delayed in Washington DC for over eight hours
- Dealing with the stress of registering for classes
- Culture shock over language, housing, food and having to share a bed room
- Four cats
- Intense horse-sickness
- First trip to an American Mall
- Issues with her medical release to attend school
- First attempts at doing her chores according to my house rules
- First visit to a beach on the Atlantic Ocean
- First trip into Boston
- First shopping at an American grocery store
- Stress over the first day of school and the enormity of the buildings and student population (3,700+)
- First night of American homework


Milla is a tall athletic blond with pale skin and dark eyes. However, as I have already teased her about, I am questioning whether she really is Finnish - because she does not like any sort of seafood, or coffee, or cardamon - three basics in the Finnish diet.

She is the middle child, though the older sister, and much more forthright and self assured than her "sister". So much so that at times she can come across as pushy and arrogant. She knows what she wants and is more assertive about it than other students I have had in the past.

She did arrive "wired" though - cell phone, MP3 player, laptop, cables, camera etc.

Milla has been riding for about 10 years and participating in show jumping for about 5. While her profile noted that she understood that she may not be able to ride this year - that was not her stance the first day. In fact, we had not even made it to Baggage Claim when she informed me that she had found several places online that appeared to be close enough to my home that of course I would not mind driving her to several times a week for lessons.

Oy.

AND she wants to play soccer. Well, we had a little discussion and basically I told her it didn't seem fair or equitable that she had decided I would spend most of my free time driving her from one place to the other - and what? Monse was to just not participate in anything where she may need a ride? She will have to choose - soccer or horses. I then find out her mother has told her she MUST be riding at least once a week.

She also made some calls home on my land line - 2 calls to the tune of $50 to Finland. I have the lines blocked at the moment. If they are going to continue to need to use the land line then I need to change calling plans.

Milla also has a very very VERY dry sense of humor. So arid in fact that I really cannot tell if she is kidding or not. And over the last several days she has made comments that frankly got my back up and hurt my feelings.

Some examples: I mentioned that one of the things I wanted to get done this past weekend while they were at the beach was scrubbing the kitchen floor - because I never got a chance in the evenings and also didn't want to be banging around after they had gone to bed. She looked at the floor and with no expression in her voice except a hint of "ick" she said "No, that's okay - I wouldn't mind at all if you cleaned while we are sleeping". Another time she made some comment about the downstairs smelling up the entire house because of the cat box (which I clean out every 2-3 days). She also grilled me about why I was single, made comments about how after this year she was really going to appreciate her mother, and asked questions about whether I had ever had a student leave my home during an exchange year.

So on Monday we had a little heart-to-heart in which I told her I found her comments rude and insensitive. And if she wanted me to call the program that morning and start the process of finding her another home just say the word .... But that I was not going to put up with sniping and snide comments for the rest of the year from anyone, especially not a teenager.

On one hand she did seem rather taken aback. She says she was only "kidding" but when I pointed out that her tone of voice had no humor in it all ... she said this was a problem in Finland as well with people not realizing she was not serious. We also discussed her tone of voice as being more than part of the issue. Because when she uses the words "So what are we going to do today" ... they don't come across as a question, but as a demand in the line of "What are you going to do to entertain me today?"

One of the things I would like to see her work on this year is not needing to be constantly in motion to enjoy herself. She seems unable to enjoy her own company or a quiet activity such as reading.

[Honeylioness]

14 September 2011



I wish I could say things are getting better on the home front. But sadly that is not so. And last night was just a culmination of things that finally overflowed.

Last weekend while I was popping into my dentist's office to pick up some donations for a platoon my office is supporting - we happened to run into my dentist's wife and daughter - the latter is also a rider and does show jumping. Milla was able to spend an afternoon and evening with this girl and her family and was invited to come and stay with them in their hotel at the horse show happening this weekend in New Hampshire.

Apparently this is a large national event with riders even coming in from Europe to compete. I decided that she could take Friday off from school and I would drive her up on Thursday evening.

The next day she tried pestering me into letting her miss three days of school - with the excuse that this event was SO important and big and after all she would have the rest of the year for school and why did it matter if she missed days? I said "No" and told her if she kept at it she could lose even Friday.

Last night when I came home she was looking at horses for sale through videos on You Tube and showed me one she really liked. I admired it and asked where it was located. She said "Belgium" (or the Netherlands - can't really remember at the moment). I must have given her the "Look" because she hastened to explain that it really wasn't that far and she could fly there and back in a weekend. I told her that it wasn't going to happen and she got her back up - demanded to know why not. I explained the restrictions on her student VISA and the program's guidelines ... and that she may be let out of the U.S. - but there was no obligation to let her back IN.

Later as dinner was almost ready she came into the kitchen to ask me two things: One, could she stay at the horse show until Sunday for the Grand Prix event - which I said she could provided the other girl's parents were okay with it. And Two - she wanted to go to the movies tonight.

I told her I thought she was going to look for some tennis shoes this evening, then asked who she was going to the movies with. She said some boy's name, didn't know his last name, thought he was 18 and there may be some other kids going as well. When I said that she should tell this boy to be at the house at 6:00 pm so I could meet him and decide if I would let her be in his car she challenged me. Demanded to know why ... then said when he stopped to pick her up I could come and talk to him through the car window. I said "No" - he should park, come to the front door and we would meet like civilized people. she argued that what if I said she couldn't go with him ... she would just be so embarrassed - at which point I told her that no one ever died of embarrassment and she would indeed live.

So in a rather snippy voice she said "Well, then I guess I won't ever be going anywhere!" To which I replied that she was free to make that choice - but that these were my rules and they were not negotiable.

That's when things went downhill fast. She called me "mean", said I never kept my word, "always" made fun of her and didn't care about her riding or love of horses. So why did I want kids in my house anyways?

*I ignored the "mean" comment.
* Asked for examples of my "always" making fun of her. She did not have any specifics except to point out that when I had been talking to my best friend on Sunday (she was over for dinner) I had told her about Milla not liking any sort of seafood, coffee, cookies or chocolate - oh, and that I had been informed that Milla didn't "DO" Christmas. No decorating, no cookie making, no presents for anyone. Apparently talking about her at all without her permission is "making fun" of her.

* As for the horses. I reminded her that the organization had been very clear with her that whether or not she got to ride this year was up to the discretion of the host parent and not a guaranteed right. And I had called the local stables, took her over there for a tour, filled out paperwork and was working on finding a scheduled lesson time for her - not that I really want to do that at the moment. I also pointed out that if continuing her training was such a priority - then why had she signed up to do an exchange year.

There is also an ongoing issue with school. She claims at least two of her teachers "pick" on her. Won't explain things. And that it really doesn't matter if she doesn't finish her homework and fails a class. Actually - the organization will put her on probation, prohibit ANY activity outside of classes and can even send her home for failing classes.

I called my Area Rep last night but her son who answered never gave her the message. I was able to connect with her this morning and brought her up to speed with what is going on. She is coming to the house tonight to meet this girl and see what can be done.

She also told me that Milla had called the district office of the program to complain that my cat had peed on her suitcase and I was eating "her" food.

Yes, three weeks ago the cat did mark one of her suitcases. However I cleaned, sanitized then de-odorized it for her. And the only food I can think of that was "hers" - since I buy all the groceries - was last weekend at a fair we stopped at. She had a huge container of fries and I had ONE. Though now that I think about it she did make a big deal out of the fact that SHE had spent $4 for them.

We will see what happens with tonight's meeting. Though at this moment I am more than ready to just tell her to pack her bags and get out.


**************************************************88

Well - our area rep arrived about 6:30 pm this evening - and did not leave until about 10:00 pm. To say things did not go as well as we would have liked - that would be an understatement.

C first eased into things by going over the classes they are taking, what they liked, what they were struggling with. What the rules of the house are, what are their chores etc. That went well enough.

The C spoke to each girl separately. Then she and I spoke privately. And what she told me was quite a shock.

I was not surprised to hear that Milla wanted to move out - but apparently so does Monse. However C had the same feeling I did - Monse is being led by what Milla wants.

And one of the things that Milla wanted was this three day trip to New Hampshire and the Horse Show. However it seems I was not aware of all the extra layers of approvals that needed to be in place in order for that to happen. Signed permissions and waivers from the host parent, parents back home, the organization and the people she is going to be with. And YFU has said "NO" to her missing school on Friday as well. So to say she is upset would be a MASSIVE understatement.

Further discussion with C made something else clear. It really doesn't matter at this point what I do or say - the girls are not willing to make it work.

[MK]

Honey,

Sorry to hear of the troubles with the girls. Seems like Milla is a spoiled brat who needs to be taken down a whole ladder much less a few pegs.

I admire the fact that you host young ladies from different countries and cultures and give them such a wonderful experience here. They should be glad to be here and grateful you are willing to open your home/heart and wallet to them. If they are not then they are better off somewhere else and good riddance!

MK

[startsmart]

Oh Milla.

Honey, I can't imagine how frustrating this is for you but let me respond to Milla, even if she'll never read this.

Milla, some day you're going to be an adult (possibly even act grown up) and you'll work and strive and create a home for yourself. And you'll fill that home with furniture and decor and animals that make you happy. Possibly you'll respond to the request to host someone who wants to experience your country and offer to generously bring them, a complete stranger, into your home.

And when that stranger arrives and disparages the space you've given, the meals you cook, the rules of your home, your holiday customs and acts like a spoiled child REMEMBER THIS EXPERIENCE.

It's quite possible that this is the most frightening thing you've ever done. Left your family and horses and friends thousands of miles away and moved in with two complete strangers who have cats but no horses in a place that you don't know.

But you're acting like a spoiled brat.

Be thankful for the generosity of others.
Be grateful for the chance to learn new things.
Be appreciative of the sacrifices of others.
Be understanding when things do not go your way.

In short: grow the hell up.

You may believe that you're handling this situation well but on the behalf of Honey, we cordially invite you to communicate.

Communicate your fears and worries.
Communicate what bothers you.
Communicate when you don't understand.
Communicate your thankfulness and gratitude.

Adults talk to each other honestly and openly. They do not run around like school yard tattle tales whining about things which they are mad about.

You are three weeks into a year long experience. Three weeks is hardly enough time to make an assessment about a situation. There is no perfect, there is no ideal situation that will make all of your wildest dreams come true. There is just reality and the limitations thereof.

(p.s. there is also no perfect job, boss, boyfriend, family, husband, kids or pets. Sorry.)

So you do have a choice to be an adult and handle this situation like one OR to whine and cry because the hardworking, giving, loving Honey who offered you her home for a year won't cater to your every demand.

Milla, you are very nearly an adult. You will be judged in situations far more serious than this one and you should reflect on the way complete strangers are assessing your behavior. This kind of behavior is understandable for a child but as a young adult it's appalling and honestly, embarrassing.

Final thought: Do not drag Monse down with you. I understand it's easier to have her backing up your childish claims because then it's not your fault, it's Honey's. Two against one, right? Well, congrats. You'll be taking another person and manipulating them for your own selfish reasons.

~Kelly

[Honeylioness]

Update on girls - Sept 15th 10:30 am
From: quiltinglioness
To: c s
Sent: Thu, Sep 15, 2011 11:02 AM

C,

Just some follow up since you left last night.

Milla was still very angry regarding the horse show. She talked to me this morning about 7:30 am about sending her mother the forms to give her permission for Milla to go with the Schrubbs and stay overnight in New Hampshire. I told her I would pull the forms down off the YFU website and send them on as soon as I could once I was at work. I believe she really wanted me to log online that moment and take care of it.

She called me at work just before 10:00 am to ask if I had sent the information to her mother yet, and mentioned her mother told her if she did not get it soon then there was nothing that could be done in Finland until tomorrow. I reminded her that her mother only had to draft a memo giving permission.

Milla said "You said you would do this as soon as you could ... why haven't you sent it yet?" I reminded her that I was at work, and had other priorities and a meeting that had to been taken care of before I did personal business. She did not like hearing that.

I then received a call from the girl she was going to meet, Rajal. SHE proceeded to lecture me about how we should have called her first if Milla was not coming, and did know how much work she had done so Milla could meet the right people, and how IMPORTANT this show was. I did cut her off, told her that I was sorry that things happened so last minute - but I was sure Milla would call her when she had any updated information for her.

C, honestly - I barely slept last night. I am on the verge of tears and feeling completely overwhelmed by all the hostility coming from Milla and now her "friend"

~Melissa


***********************************************


16 September 2011

So last night I had taken Ms. Milla to the mall to look for some sports/tennis shoes and while she was out I came back to have a little talk with Monse.

I could tell that Milla was still seething at me, and last night tried her best to get another "dig" in. I was upstairs from the Living Room in my bedroom changing the sheets on my bed and she was down in the LR when she made the comment that her mother told her that the package she had sent had arrived. I asked if she meant the trip request paperwork or??? She snipped back - NO, the box with her riding boots. I told her I had received a notice in the mail the day before of a package waiting to be picked up from the post office - and she sniped back with "My mother did that online tracking and it has been here for days and days!!!!"

Really? that long? The notice said September 13th and you only contact your mother about shipping these items on September 9th. She did not like my reply that the Post Office was not open at 07:00 pm so no, we are not picking it up tonight. I offered to give her the slip, she could go after school and try and pick it up herself. Nope, that didn't suit. She asked why I couldn't take time off work to pick it up. I ignored that and said "Well then, I guess it will be Saturday". She griped that by then they will have rejected it and sent it back.

Oh, the drama of being 17.

Well, no big surprise at least for me - YFU denied her request to be away from home for overnights at this horse show.

I had taken her to the mall last night because she said she needed to purchase some tennis shoes. While she was there C called and told her not only was the answer "No" but she could go on Sunday as I had said I would drive her up and she would get a ride back. However it was not my duty to drive her to and back Saturday and Sunday.

Right after she got that call she called and asked me to pick her up early from the Mall. I guess it is too hard to spend the parent's money when you really want to be on FaceBook slamming the adults in your life.

She also informed me that out of the 80+ stores at this mall there were NO tennis shoes for sale ANYWHERE. Yeah right. I told her to check Sears while I was on my way and she sniffed as though it was not elegant enough for her. But guess what? She DID find a pair of Converses that were acceptable to her ... and they were are Sears.

Honestly, I don't understand the difference in brand name tennis shoes. Do they fit, do the laces tie? ... Then I am good.

On the way back in the car I told her a lot of the same things I had told Monse earlier:



That at this point YFU would not consider letting them move out. It's only been three weeks - and despite what she or her sister might have hatched up or imagined - a different host family is not going to fundamentally change what they are having a hard time accepting as normal for most Americans.

I told her that since she was going to be here for a while we are going to have to find a way to live peacefully with other.

I also let her know that she had hurt my feelings by essentially lying to me that everything was "okay" when in fact she was feeling the opposite. I asked her why she hadn't come and talk to me about what she was feeling and struggling with. Her response was "I didn't want to hurt your feelings"

She also waffled between what she said to me and what she said to C .... got her back up when either of us pointed out the discrepancies, then took the defensive martyr position of "of course, it's all my fault"

Honestly, I don't remember ever being this bad.

I also told her that I thought it was very unfair that she complained to C about we "...only did what Mom want to do..." Because when I have asked her and Milla for their opinion, or when I have given option to them and they either say nothing or reject any ideas ... then essentially they have placed the decision in my hands. And to be honest, I am not prepared to give up my interests and activities just because they have moved in. That is just not a reasonable expectation.

One of the things C tried to get the girls to understand is the reality of the American economy. People work long hours and weekends are for "family time" - not necessarily evenings mid week. And that many people not only work at a job 8-9 hours a day, but have to finish work at home in the evenings. C also told both girls that by not telling me they didn't like something, not telling me how they felt and not voicing any ideas about what they wanted to do or see ... they had been incredibly unfair to me as I don't read minds.


She also tried to tell me that I couldn't tell C or anyone anything about her without asking her first ... this earned her a raised eyebrow for sure.

I told her that only in her made up world did I need to ask her permission to tell anyone anything. Yes it was snide - but honestly - I could not believe she even said it.

She tried to backtrack and claim she had never said things I have witnesses to. Then she cried and told me how hard she had been trying, and how mean I was, and how I hated horses and didn't want her to have any fun. And I only wanted house slaves that said "Yes Sir" when I asked them to do their chores.

I tried several times to tell her that she should go wash her face, calm down and go to bed. That nothing productive would come out of more talk when she was so upset. Of course this was taken as "telling her what to do, and her being wrong all the time".

[Honeylioness]

21 September 2011


Well, the "fun" continues. During our mediation with the YFU rep last week I had mentioned to C that one of the things that had occurred was that Monse had made 17 calls to Ecuador that Verizon called to advise me of. I had told Monse that perhaps we could work out some sort of payment plan. However we had not actually sat down and worked out any numbers.

Our rep mentioned this to her Area Director who said "No". The parents sign an agreement with YFU that any and all expenses their children incur must be paid, in full, when the bill comes in. The host family is not to play Banker or money lender. Nor do I need to assume this financial burden.

I received an e-mail today from YFU that said Monse's mother would be paying the phone bill, and the medical bill, by the end of the month.

The medical bill had been a concern as it was incurred having a vaccine and TB test done that should have been taken care of before she ever left her home country.

Milla had incurred a charge of $50 calling Finland on my home line - but had paid it when I told her about it.

Anyway, I came home this evening and called upstairs to let them know I was home ... this was something the girls said they wanted me to do. Fine. Then, as is my normal routine, which they know about, I watch the news and unwind for about 30-40 minutes before I head upstairs to make dinner. Milla called down and asked me to come upstairs because "we would like to talk to you".

Coming up into the kitchen I found both girls sitting at the kitchen table. So sitting down I waited.

As usual Milla was the spokesperson. But when she started saying things like "You lie to us" ... I stopped her, turned to Monse and asked her what was it SHE wanted to say. Milla again started talking ... her reason being "I talk to her more that you do so I know what she wants to say and what she is thinking". I told her that Monse's English wouldn't be getting any better if she constantly acted as interpreter.

So the upshot is this. Milla feels it is unreasonable for me to "make" Monse pay for the phone bill all at once when I had said we could do payments. I calmly explained that this had come directly from YFU and the agreement their parents had signed. So then she accused me of "lying" to them "all the time". When I asked them for specifics Milla went on a streak about the horse stables ... saying I lied about trying to contact the trainer yadda yadda yadda ... and that this trainer had shown her e-mails and claims she has called me a lot and I don't call back. Regardless of any of this I told her I wasn't going to play a game of he said she said with her.

Milla them looked at me and said "I will tell you this to your face ... I don't want to live her anymore". I told her that if she thought that she had been keeping that bit of information a secret .. I had news for her .. she hadn't. I also told her in the calmest voice I had, actually surprised myself a lot I remained that controlled, that it was not as simple as she assumed. YFU barely found enough families for this years kids ... and there was no guarantee they would even find them another home. And even if she thought she could choose her own replacement - it took weeks or longer to go through background, security, credit and personal references.

I asked both girls several times "Anything else?". Milla said I "lied" about it being okay to use the home phone and the costs. I gently reminded her, again, that I meant it when I said they could use the phone, I never said they wouldn't have to pay for the calls, and I also had no idea the calls would be so expensive or that I would be charged up to $8 per call that didn't connect.

When I was done I stood up, told them I was going to call our rep C. Milla's last snarky comment was "try to tell the truth this time".

It's a wonder the girl is not still looking for her teeth.




I talked to C and explained the latest situation. When she asked me what she could do for me I said "Find them another place to live" She said after this .. that was what she was going to recommend. She told me she was going to call her boss and get back to me.

I went upstairs to do some dishes and Milla came into the kitchen ... honestly, I just KNEW what was coming next and was saying to myself ..."wait for it". And sure enough. She did it. "So, you are not making dinner?"

I just looked at her, said I wasn't hungry, there were left overs in the fridge and - looking at the pizza box on the counter - it looked as though they had already eaten. She was smart enough NOT to respond.

When C called back she said that YFU agreed that the girls were not really trying. And they would have a meeting about this tomorrow when everyone was in the office. I did tell C that I thought it would be a bad idea to move them together. Otherwise Monse would never get out of Milla's shadow. There is also a chance that the solution they will come to is to send them both home.

C is coming up to speak to both girls on Saturday afternoon. We will see how that goes.

[Honeylioness]

24 September 2011


Okay, here is the latest and greatest on the saga of the exchange students.

We had a meeting this afternoon with our Area Rep C. She arrived with her husband while I was out front in my yard talking to a neighbor. When she asked how I was doing I burst into tears. I had been holding it together and had not cried at all in front of the girls, partly to not give them the satisfaction of thinking they somehow had "won" by getting to me.

Part of my stress is not just the girls' attitude, but that last night while driving them home from a football game my rear car window just imploded for no apparent reason. Scared the bejeezus out of me.

C talked to Milla first. Told her that YFU has decided she is being moved in about three weeks. However - Monse will NOT be going with her, she is changing schools and most likely states, AND she needs to start getting her head around the reality that she will not be able to go horseback riding at all. YFU never guarantees any student they can continue activities outside of school activities while they are in the U.S.

Ms. Milla was NOT pleased. She tried debating/arguing with C that she didn't want to change schools, and how come she and Monse can't stay together, and what about the fact they had already found a family to take them. C told her it was not her choice, and as she has demonstrated she is not really trying to make this situation work she either moves where they tell her to .. or she can go home. There was stomping of feet and even some doors slammed. To say she was upset would be a major understatement. C told her that even if she HAD found a family, there was not guarantee they would pass the background check - and letting her make such decisions would only teach her that she could manipulate adults to serve her own purposes.

When C and I spoke afterwards she shared that in her opinion the parents probably don't know anything about any such arrangement. Most likely Milla and R came up with this idea on their own as teenagers are wont to do.

C also caught her and Monse in several blatant lies when she was talking to them. And from what I heard, and was told later, she slapped them down HARD. Called them on the untruths and said not to even try to bullshit her - she had three kids of her own and had hosted four times ... she was not going to be taken in by any teenagers manipulations.

C told me both girls were rather taken aback at being talked to so bluntly.

She also told Milla that her actions on Wednesday in calling me a liar and getting in my face about "making" Monse pay her phone bill was completely inappropriate. That it was an issue between me and Monse and she was to stop sticking her nose into things that were none of her business. And if Monse asked her to speak to me on her behalf again she was to say "No".

Some of the other things that are just bees in my bonnet at this point are:

* She had one, or more, of her school friends in the house Wednesday afternoon, without asking permission or even letting me know until two days later.

* While she says she hates living here and wants to move I am apparently still useful as her personal chauffeur as she has no problem "asking" me to drive her here and there.

* She never uses "please" or "thank you".

* Doesn't do her chores until I have reminded her at least three times.

* Is pissed at me because her parents called her to tell her to shape up and she would do her homework. She complained I shouldn't have called her parents. C told her that she had written the report and sent it to the district office who was concerned enough to notify YFU USA. They took it seriously enough to notify YFU Finland and THEY called her parents.

* She was also told that no adult, no host parent and no area rep had to check with her before contacting YFU about anything. Not in this house or any other family she wound up with.

* She was told that her actions had been incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. And that while she was here she would treat me with respect, follow the rules, keep up with her homework, do her chores and watch her tone of voice.


Once C left Milla asked me again, which she had first asked that morning, if I would drive her to meet some friends at the stables then on to Friendlys. I asked what time she thought they would be back and who she would be with. When she didn't get a response to this question when she texted her friend - she then glumly told me "I guess I am not going".

Not 15 minutes after the rep had left I was in the kitchen making soup, Monse was helping and Milla was sitting at the kitchen table. After several long minutes of silence she offered an apology for hurting my feelings. she said when she was upset or felt hurt she lashed out. I told her I understood that, but that part of growing up was learning to stop and think about what the effect would be of lashing out. And that I accepted her apology. After another few minutes of silence she said "Don't you have an apology for me?"

I slowly turned and looked over at her and calmly said " No, I haven't done anything to you this week to apologize for". I could tell that was NOT what she wanted to hear and shortly afterward she stomped out the room, upstairs and then slams her bedroom door behind her. I did hear her talking to someone, probably on her phone or Skype, and though it was in Finnish there was no mistaking her annoyed feelings.

She was silent all through dinner. Not sure if she was pouting or just being mad at me. But then she asked - using "Please" and almost pleading language more than once if I would drive her to a friends for a few hours. I agreed even though technically I was under no obligation to do so and was not all that inclined to be doing them any favors.

We will see whether this level of respectful speaking lasts the week.

[MK]

Sometimes getting them out of the house so you can have a break is worth doing them a "favor"

Hope the next 3 weeks go by smoothly for you.

[Honeylioness]

RE: Update on girls moving
From: quiltinglioness
To: J
Cc: C, M
Sent: Mon, Oct 17, 2011 12:11 PM


J,

I hope you had a productive time in Vermont last week - I saw where most of the office was out on a working trip.

Is there any further movement on moving the girls? For several reasons I would like to see this happen as soon as possible. Among other things the tension in my home is getting to me. There are days when I don't even want to enter my own home and deal with it.

Now that YFU has told the girls they are moving they have both given up any pretense of even "trying". They rarely venture away from each other's side, really only talk to me when they want something - like a ride or a favor, they have stopped helping with dinner preparations, more and more I find they are getting pizzas after school and so I don't make dinner for us as a group as often.

Yet it seems I am still useful for them as a chauffeur, cook and laundress. THEN they seem more than willing to interact with me. And I admit I have pulled back also. I have not planned any outings as a "family" the last two weeks. Since they have made it perfectly clear they hate living here and their behavior is barely respectful - why would I go out of my way to provide them with entertainment?

I did offer to take them with me to King Richard's Faire yesterday - and I now wish I had just left them home and gone alone. Monse had several money issues ... again. Milla thought the drive too long, the lunch she bought was "gross", it was too cold, it was too windy, she was pissy when I chose to give Monse a few dollars for food but not her. I pointed out that she had money - Monse did not and it was not right to let her go hungry. Milla's response was "Why do I have to pay for everything?" They got bored easily, hated the music in the car, were not responsive to watching many of the performances and Milla spent all her time during the jousts critiquing the horses instead of enjoying the experience.

Milla asked twice last week about sleeping over at someone else's home. Both times I said no, which never goes over well with her. The first request was for the girl she wanted to spend the weekend with in NH. I said no because there is something going on there that makes my intuition twitch. The second request came five minutes before the girls were being picked up. One of their teachers, Ms. Montoya and their house master Maria had offered to take them for real Mexican food last week. I had said it was okay for them to go. Then just before they arrived they asked about spending the night at Maria's because "we may be out late". I told them "No" because it felt like a last minute plan and I had no idea if Maria had even suggested it.

I did have the chance last week to eat dinner with just Monse. However it was a struggle to get her to look at me or even answer any questions in more than one syllable. However, I DID find out that not only had she changed her English to an "easier" level - yet I never once heard from the school asking for approval which I thought they would need to do. But she also got "permission" from her guidance counselor to drop her gym class - again without a word to me.

And in signing and looking over progress reports this weekend Milla's English teacher made a note on the bottom of her grade list - which was poor - that she was in danger of failing the class. Milla gave me a long dissertation about why that was there and how "everyone" in this class got the same note and that the teacher does not work with her to give her special consideration because she is an exchange student.

So frankly - I can't deal with this stress much longer. ESPECIALLY in light of my current work situation.

J - M - C ..... I really REALLY need to know there is an end date for this and a light at the end of the tunnel. I should not have to feel like this. I should not have to deal with attitudes that tell me I have trespassed into "their" territory if I am in my own living room. I should not have to feel like crying every day.

~Mel


*************************************************

RE: Update on girls moving
From: J
To: quiltinglioness
Cc: C, M
Sent: Mon, Oct 17, 2011 12:59 PM


Hi M

I’m terribly sorry this situation has deteriorated as much as it has. And I’m sorry you are feeling so stressed and upset.

We do have a family lined up for Monse. I’d like to have her moved this weekend if possible. S.H. in Dracut will be Monse’s new volunteer; she will be contacting you and coordinating the move, with copies to Carolyn.

The family we had for Milla fell through and we do not have another family lined up yet. However, I am going to see if one of two options I have up there can take Milla temporarily until we find a new permanent family.

My goal will be to have both girls moved out by this weekend.

I will email you as I have firmer info this week.

Again, thank you for your patience.


J

[Honeylioness]

19 October 2011


Got confirmation this afternoon from YFU.

The girls will be moving out on Friday, October 21st at 5:30 pm