General Journal Entries

[Honeylioness]

07 September 2011


Well, as of today Monse has been with me for two weeks. And what a couple of weeks it has been.

- Hanging around the airport waiting for her "sister's" plane to arrive late at night
- Dealing with the stress of registering for classes
- Culture shock over language, housing, food and having to share a bed room
- Four cats
- Intense homesickness
- First trip to an American Mall
- Trying to find an affordable cell phone that will also work later in Ecuador
- Issues with her medical release to attend school
- Visits to a doctor and a clinic for another vaccination and a chest x-ray
- First attempts at doing her chores according to my house rules
- First visit to a beach on the Atlantic Ocean
- First trip into Boston
- First shopping at an American grocery store
- Stress over the first day of school and the enormity of the buildings and student population (3,700+)
- First night of American homework


Monse (which is her nickname) is a lovely soft spoken young lady from South America. With creamy tanned skin, large dark eyes and long curly brown hair her Spanish heritage is very evident.

She has a sweet disposition and as the oldest child in her family is very eager and willing to help out without being asked. She also, unlike a lot of other teenagers I have met recently, is not very "wired". She arrived with no iPOD, no laptop and no phone. Not even a digital camera. I think a part of this may be because of her family situation - her parents are divorced and mom is raising the three children by herself.

Because of this I think Monse has a deeper appreciation than some students I have had in the past about the cost of things, not just their price. She is receptive to the idea of shopping at second hand stores for items such as a winter coat which she will only need for a few months here and never again in her home country.

She did have a severe bout of homesickness her first week - so much so that it seems she made 17 calls to Ecuador and ran up charges of $273.00 on my account. A number which, when I told her of it yesterday, almost made her cry.

I am hoping that once she gets an e-mail response from her mother we can finalize a pay back program.

[Honeylioness]

08 September 2011


Poor kid was not feeling well last night. Complained of being dizzy and her stomach did not "feel right". This morning she was running a mild fever and still nauseous. So I let her stay home.

Called to check on her and she says she is feeling better now that she has thrown up.

Oh joy.

[Honeylioness]

14 September 2011[/b]


I wish I could say things are getting better on the home front. But sadly that is not so. And last night was just a culmination of things that finally overflowed.

Milla and I have not been getting along - and Monse, I feel, has either been caught in the middle or just ignored as Milla has been a complete time/energy suck this last week or so.

After the unpleasantness with Milla last night I asked Monse what she thought about what had happened. She said she did not want to say anything "mean" ... but agreed we needed to find a way to work this out.

I called my Area Rep last night but her son who answered never gave her the message. I was able to connect with her this morning and brought her up to speed with what is going on. She is coming to the house tonight to meet this girl and see what can be done.

She also told me that "someone" had called the district office of the program to complain that my cat had peed on her suitcase and I was eating "her" food.

Yes, three weeks ago the cat did mark one of Milla's suitcases. However I cleaned, sanitized then de-odorized it for her. And the only food I can think of that was "hers" - since I buy all the groceries - was last weekend at a fair we stopped at. She had a huge container of fries and I had ONE. Though now that I think about it she did make a big deal out of the fact that SHE had spent $4 for them.

**************************************************

Well - our area rep arrived about 6:30 pm this evening - and did not leave until about 10:00 pm. To say things did not go as well as we would have liked - that would be an understatement.

C first eased into things by going over the classes they are taking, what they liked, what they were struggling with. What the rules of the house are, what are their chores etc. That went well enough.

The C spoke to each girl separately. Then she and I spoke privately. And what she told me was quite a shock.

I was not surprised to hear that Milla wanted to move out - but apparently so does Monse. However C had the same feeling I did - Monse is being led by what Milla wants.

And one of the things that Milla wanted was this three day trip to New Hampshire and the Horse Show. However it seems I was not aware of all the extra layers of approvals that needed to be in place in order for that to happen. Signed permissions and waivers from the host parent, parents back home, the organization and the people she is going to be with. And YFU has said "NO" to her missing school on Friday as well. So to say she is upset would be a MASSIVE understatement.

Further discussion with C made something else clear. It really doesn't matter at this point what I do or say - the girls are not willing to make it work.

[Honeylioness]

16 September 2011


So last night I had taken Ms. Milla to the mall to look for some sports/tennis shoes and while she was out I came back to have a little talk with Monse.

I told her that at this point YFU would not consider letting them move out. It's only been three weeks - and despite what she or her sister might have hatched up or imagined - a different host family is not going to fundamentally change what they are having a hard time accepting as normal for most Americans.

I told her that since she was going to be here for a while we are going to have to find a way to live peacefully with other.

I also let her know that she had hurt my feelings by essentially lying to me that everything was "okay" when in fact she was feeling the opposite. I asked her why she hadn't come and talk to me about what she was feeling and struggling with. Her response was "I was scared of your reaction"

I told her that just because Milla and I were having issues over control and rules there was no reason for her to assume she couldn't talk to me. I also told her that I thought it was very unfair that she complained to C about we "...only did what Mom want to do..." Because when I have asked her and Milla for their opinion, or when I have given option to them and they either say nothing or reject any ideas ... then essentially they have placed the decision in my hands. And to be honest, I am not prepared to give up my interests and activities just because they have moved in. That is just not a reasonable expectation.

One of the things C tried to get the girls to understand is the reality of the American economy. People work long hours and weekends are for "family time" - not necessarily evenings mid week. And that many people not only work at a job 8-9 hours a day, but have to finish work at home in the evenings. C also told both girls that by not telling me they didn't like something, not telling me how they felt and not voicing any ideas about what they wanted to do or see ... they had been incredibly unfair to me as I don't read minds.

So now we will just to see how it goes from here on out.

[startsmart]

Okay Monse, it's your turn now.

I want you to adopt a new motto "the only mistake you can make is being afraid to make one." it's scary to speak up but please understand that no one cares about your life as much as you do. And even if they did no one else can understand your needs and wants.

So learning to express your opinions, needs and wants is a critical part of growing up. Because you're a smart and wonderful young woman. If you were a child your mom would be im charge of when you eat, drink, poop, sleep and play. You'd have no say in what you do or when you do it.

While it varies culturally, woman are often encouraged to sit back, shut up and let the manhandle things. I can't express what a tragedy this would be for you. Not just that your wisdom and experience and opinions would be voluntarily silenced, depriving us of your unique brilliance but that you would feel compelled to suffer silently.

I know that Milla's motto seems to be "my way or the highway" and "I don't have advice, may I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" but you have your own voice. Try, "may I add something?"

Even if you add, "I don't have a preference on this issue," please speak up. Only the real jerks will say no to that request. After you speak you may feel you've offended someone - if so simply add, "I'm not familiar with all the customs here yet, please let me know if I've spoken out of place or offended you so i can make amends." this will also work when you meet new people, start a new job or travel to a new place.

This all starts within you Monse, believe that you have amazing things to offer the world and cannot possibly stay silent.

[Honeylioness]

21 September 2011

I just realized that Milla's page shouldn't get all the news!!

(some of this is a repeat)

Well, the "fun" continues. During our mediation with the YFU rep last week I had mentioned to C that one of the things that had occurred was that Monse had made 17 calls to Ecuador that Verizon called to advise me of - totaling $283.00. I had told Monse that perhaps we could work out some sort of payment plan. However we had not actually sat down and worked out any numbers.

Our rep mentioned this to her Area Director who said "No". The parents sign an agreement with YFU that any and all expenses their children incur must be paid, in full, when the bill comes in. The host family is not to play Banker or money lender. Nor do I need to assume this financial burden.

I received an e-mail today from YFU that said Monse's mother would be paying the phone bill, and the medical bill, by the end of the month.

The medical bill ($154) had been a concern as it was incurred having a vaccine and TB test done that should have been taken care of before she ever left her home country. YFU USA is looking into why YFU Ecuador hadn't made sure this was completed before she came.

Milla had incurred a charge of $50 calling Finland on my home line - but had paid it when I told her about it.

Anyway, I came home this evening and called upstairs to let them know I was home ... this was something the girls said they wanted me to do. Fine. Then, as is my normal routine, which they know about, I watch the news and unwind for about 30-40 minutes before I head upstairs to make dinner. Milla called down and asked me to come upstairs because "we would like to talk to you".

Coming up into the kitchen I found both girls sitting at the kitchen table. So sitting down I waited.

As usual Milla was the spokesperson. But when she started saying things like "You lie to us" ... I stopped her, turned to Monse and asked her what was it SHE wanted to say. Milla again started talking ... her reason being "I talk to her more that you do so I know what she wants to say and what she is thinking". I told her that Monse's English wouldn't be getting any better if she constantly acted as interpreter.

So the upshot is this. Milla feels it is unreasonable for me to "make" Monse pay for the phone bill all at once when I had said we could do payments. I calmly explained that this had come directly from YFU and the agreement their parents had signed. So then she accused me of "lying" to them "all the time". When I asked them for specifics Milla went on a streak about the horse stables ... saying I lied about trying to contact the trainer yadda yadda yadda ... and that this trainer had shown her e-mails and claims she has called me a lot and I don't call back. Regardless of any of this I told her I wasn't going to play a game of he said she said with her.

I asked both girls several times "Anything else?". Milla said I "lied" about it being okay to use the home phone and the costs. I gently reminded her, again, that I meant it when I said they could use the phone, I never said they wouldn't have to pay for the calls, and I also had no idea the calls would be so expensive or that I would be charged up to $8 per call that didn't connect.

When I was done I stood up, told them I was going to call our rep C. Milla's last snarky comment was "try to tell the truth this time".

It's a wonder the girl is not still looking for her teeth.


****************************************************

I talked to C and explained the latest situation. When she asked me what she could do for me I said "Find them another place to live" She said after this .. that was what she was going to recommend. She told me she was going to call her boss and get back to me.

I went upstairs to do some dishes and Milla came into the kitchen ... honestly, I just KNEW what was coming next and was saying to myself ..."wait for it". And sure enough. She did it. "So, you are not making dinner?"

I just looked at her, said I wasn't hungry, there were left overs in the fridge and - looking at the pizza box on the counter - it looked as though they had already eaten. She was smart enough NOT to respond.

When C called back she said that YFU agreed that the girls were not really trying. And they would have a meeting about this tomorrow when everyone was in the office. I did tell C that I thought it would be a bad idea to move them together. Otherwise Monse would never get out of Milla's shadow. There is also a chance that the solution they will come to is to send one or both of them home.

C is coming up to speak to both girls on Saturday afternoon. We will see how that goes.

************************************************


In some ways I was taken aback but last night's encounter - and in others not at all surprised.

When Milla had been out hobnobbing with the horsey crowd last weekend Monse and I had the chance to spend some one on one time together. Silly me, I thought we were getting along. We talked about her country, traditions, holidays - I even took her out for sushi when she made a suggestion for dinner.

Once again I feel as though she is just pretending and playing a role until such time as Milla can engineer some sort of great scheme. Monse also would barely look at me last night during the discussion about the phone bill. I understand that money may be a bigger issue for her family than for Milla's. However, and sorry if this sounds harsh, they should have not sent her if they were not prepared/able to absorb these types of unforeseen expenses.

One thing that did occur to me last night was this: Thank God this is not happening a year from now. Because in September 2012 my family is gathering in Orlando for a week to celebrate my parent's 50th Anniversary - and there is no way I would be bringing these two with me.

I guess one of the things that occurred to me last night was that I had thought things were less tense and starting to calm down. The girls were talking to, and with, me. They still were not volunteering information about what they would like to do as a family. And I realized they had both stopped coming into the kitchen to help with dinner or feed the cats - both of which are listed on their chores list.

And I am honestly surprised at myself and my reactions ... last night I never got upset, never raised my voice and even refrained from smacking one who desperately NEEDS to be smacked in my opinion. It was if on one hand I knew this was coming, and on the other I just was done .... done trying, done re-arranging my life for their whims, done caring.

I have been doing this for over 10 years, first in Seattle then here, and in all that time I have NEVER had these type of issues with a student.

So this is the new game plan. I am going back to MY schedule. Making what I want to for dinner and doing what I want on the weekends. If they choose to join me - fine. But I am not going out of my way to do any special favors for either of them.

***********************************

editors note: Okay, so this morning as I was leaving I did agree to give them a ride to school because it was raining. Though how walking five blocks in the rain was going to damage either of them I have no idea.

[Honeylioness]

24 September 2011


Okay, here is the latest and greatest on the saga of the exchange students.

We had a meeting this afternoon with our Area Rep C. She arrived with her husband while I was out front in my yard talking to a neighbor. When she asked how I was doing I burst into tears. I had been holding it together and had not cried at all in front of the girls, partly to not give them the satisfaction of thinking they somehow had "won" by getting to me.

Part of my stress is not just the girls' attitude, but that last night while driving them home from a football game my rear car window just imploded for no apparent reason. Scared the bejeezus out of me.

When C sat down to talk to Monse the issues were different, but no less annoying than those with Milla who will be moved in a few weeks. YFU asked if I would be willing to try and give Monse another chance once Milla was out of the house. I told them I would, since I feel, as they do, that a lot of the problems come from Milla's influence. However after C spoke to her she told me her feeling was that at this point Monse is so entrenched in her mindset that she is unlikely to be willing to adjust or start over. So they will be looking for another placement for her as well.

Monse also told C she thought they would be able to pick another family that they wanted and they could move together and yet stay in the same school system. She was not prepared to hear, as Milla wasn't either, that being placed within the New Englad District meant she could wind up in Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island, Massachusetts or Connecticut.

C also caught Milla and Monse in several blatant lies when she was talking to them. And from what I heard, and was told later, she slapped them down HARD. Called them on the untruths and said not to even try to bullshit her - she had three kids of her own and had hosted four times ... she was not going to be taken in by any teenagers manipulations.

C told me both girls were rather taken aback at being talked to so bluntly.

One of the issues I had mentioned to C was that on several evenings this last week I had come home to find pizza boxes on the kitchen counter. Seems the girls went out to eat after school and as a result were not hungry - none of which they bothered to tell me, or they told me after I had started cooking dinner. C asked both girls about this who first told her that they had eaten dinner with me every night this last week. When she dug deeper then they said that no they hadn't and they had gone out for pizza and did not eat with me, nor had they told me until I was in the middle of making dinner.

She also told Milla that her actions on Wednesday in calling me a liar and getting in my face about "making" Monse pay her phone bill was completely inappropriate. That it was an issue between me and Monse and she was to stop sticking her nose into things that were none of her business. And if Monse asked her to speak to me on her behalf again she was to say "No".

Some of the other things that are just bees in my bonnet at this point are:

* She won't speak to me directly about things that bother her.

* I have noticed she no longer says "I" or "me" - everything is "we".

[Honeylioness]

19 October 2011


Got confirmation this afternoon from YFU.

The girls will be moving out on Friday, October 21st at 5:30 pm

*******************************************

Lat night I spoke to Monse privately after dinner about the medical bill from Saints that is now almost two months late in payment.

I told her I had received a call from a bill collector about this matter and that she needed to resolve the matter this week.

She said she had "been meaning to talk to you about this". It seems her father is now insisting on seeing copies of the bills - as if I had just made up the figures and debts.

I sent them to her last night via e-mail with a cc to the YFU staff. And I reiterated that YFU US and YFU Ecuador had both seen these documents weeks ago.

Then when I spoke to our area rep this afternoon about the girl's moving she told me she would be stressing to Monse when she speaks to her this afternoon that this MUST be paid before she can leave on Friday. NO exceptions.

We'll see when I get home just how well "that" went over.