Post by Honeylioness on Nov 24, 2008 12:49:47 GMT -5
24 November 2008
Good question - no real answer. Is it that I somehow at a deeply subconscious level WANT my electricity turned off? Or is this some kind of latent regressive rebellion against doing the "adult" thing?
Regardless the situation remains the same. And I have not told anyone else yet. But I have not balanced my checkbook for two months, and aside from my mortgage really have not paid any bills either. Well, except for that one where they said pay up or we leave you in the dark.
I have thought long and hard about why this is so. What is stopping me from just DOING it? And I think it is because I am depressed and have not really been able to face just HOW much so. It is more than just the constant worry about Redhawk or the instability of our communication. More than just early winter "blahs". It is all of that, and more. The economy, the election, my feeling as though my job is sometimes an emotional black hole where I feel disrespected and unvalued, my struggle with trying to reach out and connect with new people, my desire to do something more "important" while knowing I have to still eat, dealing with the other two Condo Board morons .... it is just all pressing in way too hard.
So I find my evenings are frittered away in meaningless pursuits that rot the mind and waste time. And the cycle continues.
I need an anchor again - something to re-ground me and a way to not feel as though I have to do it all at once or nothing at all.
Good question - no real answer. Is it that I somehow at a deeply subconscious level WANT my electricity turned off? Or is this some kind of latent regressive rebellion against doing the "adult" thing?
Regardless the situation remains the same. And I have not told anyone else yet. But I have not balanced my checkbook for two months, and aside from my mortgage really have not paid any bills either. Well, except for that one where they said pay up or we leave you in the dark.
I have thought long and hard about why this is so. What is stopping me from just DOING it? And I think it is because I am depressed and have not really been able to face just HOW much so. It is more than just the constant worry about Redhawk or the instability of our communication. More than just early winter "blahs". It is all of that, and more. The economy, the election, my feeling as though my job is sometimes an emotional black hole where I feel disrespected and unvalued, my struggle with trying to reach out and connect with new people, my desire to do something more "important" while knowing I have to still eat, dealing with the other two Condo Board morons .... it is just all pressing in way too hard.
So I find my evenings are frittered away in meaningless pursuits that rot the mind and waste time. And the cycle continues.
I need an anchor again - something to re-ground me and a way to not feel as though I have to do it all at once or nothing at all.