Humorous Items

[Honeylioness]

Important information to know!! (Merry Christmas :-)

Christmas Cookie Rules

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calories free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

[Honeylioness]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

Billy Bob explains "Me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do "something sexy to a tractor"

[Honeylioness]

T’was the night before Christmas and all thru the teepee.... not an eyelid was shut because nobody was sleepy.

The Wal-Mart bags were hung by the fire so neat... hoping Chief Nick would fill them up with smoked meat.

The children were nestled all snug in their bed... while visions of fry bread men danced in their heads.

With Bea in her kerchief and my hair braided tight... we turned up the scanner to entertain us tonight.

Then all of a sudden a crash we did hear... the rez dogs started barking but that’s the norm around here.

The moon on the breast of the new falling snow... gave the luster of midday to my rez car below.

When what do my ndn eyes should appear... but an ndn sleigh with eight tiny reindeer!

With a little rez driver so stoic but quick... I knew in a moment it must be Chief Nick.

More rapid then Rez Ballers the reindeer they came... and he pointed with his lips then called them by name.

On Fancy Dancer, on Smoked Meat, on Thomas and Victor, on Back Strap, on Philbert, on Black Cloud and Trixster;

Sshhhhhhhh... land beside the teepee, quiet for good reason... we have to be careful it’s deer hunting season.

The stickers on his sleigh read “I Love Baloney”... the other one said “My Other Ride is a Pony.”

The one in the middle said “NDN Power”... there was duct tape and bailing wire holding it together.

When the teepee flap opened I just hung my head... for I had just finished off his stew and fry bread.

He was dressed in full regalia from his head to his mocs... his outfit fully beaded right down to his socks!

His huckleberry eyes twinkled, his braids were like WOW!... you have to see it for yourself, he was just…somehow!

The stump of his prayer pipe held tight in his teeth... and the smoke signals encircled his head like a wreath.

His face was kind of greasy and he was ndn size... he had a commod bod only a skin could recognize.

He spoke not a word just flashed his Tribal ID... He left a block of cheese and new tape recorder under the tree.

He left hand drums and blankets and round dance CDs... huckleberry pies and the new Northern Cree!

Then he pointed with his lips, gave a big hearty AAAAYYYYYYE!... and he danced out the door and jumped in his sleigh.

I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight... Merry Christmas to all let’s round dance tonight!

[Honeylioness]

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'


The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me.'

[Honeylioness]

A modern Romance Novel. . .



He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."

[Honeylioness]

I didn't say it was YOUR FAULT!....I said I was going to BLAME YOU!

When your gecko is broken you have a reptile dysfunction.

I'd tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you every day.

What if the "Hokey Pokey" really is what it's all about?

Silence is golden .... duct tape is silver

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! - Except that one where you ' re naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Heaven is Where:

The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:

The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It ' s all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!


My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory ' s not as sharp as it used to be.


Welcome to Utah -Set your watch back 20 years.


In just two days from now, Tomorrow will be yesterday.


A bartender is just a pharmacist With a limited inventory


I may be schizophrenic, But at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.


KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.


I ' m not your type. I ' m not inflatable.


Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE - Sometimes I even put it in the food.


When you work here, You can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".


Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.


Reality is only an illusion That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.


I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.


Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!


My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD..

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)

The trouble with life is there's no back ground music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old. As long as she buys him a few drinks first.

Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down ... are the ones who got you mad in the first place?

I'm starting to wonder how bad four years with no President would be.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker

Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow!

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

[Honeylioness]

Defining Levels of stress



Level of stress: you give a lift to a beautiful girl, she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful,

But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father, you say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful,

To prove ...... then you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests the doctor says that you are infertile. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you start remembering that you have 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Honeylioness]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[Honeylioness]

Doctor, Doctor give me the news........



A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"


As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"


"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."


"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."


Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."


You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."


As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"


"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[Honeylioness]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .



Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."



The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."



The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.




"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.




It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

[Honeylioness]

ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT





Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?

My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, It's on the last eight damn passports I've had, It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*&address.

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@& copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $100.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@%government.

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile......Hey, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!


Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor........ WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

And you assholes want to run our health care system??

[Honeylioness]

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards." For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head and say WTF. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stellas for the past year:


* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.


Start scratching!



* SIXTH PLACE *


Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.


Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *


Terrence D1ckson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for D1ckson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when D1ckson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay D1ckson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching .. There are more......


Double hand scratching after this one.....


* FOURTH PLACE *


Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..



* THIRD PLACE *


Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.


Only two more so ease up on the scratching....


*SECOND PLACE*


Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ...... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.



OK. Here we go!!



* FIRST PLACE *


This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her -- are you sitting down? --- $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor
home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

[Honeylioness]

Bathroom Trauma


When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.


Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.


Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.


You get in to find the door won't latch.It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!


The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy,but empty.


You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on theFLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume" The Stance."


In this position your aging, toneless(God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake


You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold"The Stance".


To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying,"Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"Your thighs shake more.


You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse.(Oh yeah, the

purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do.You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.


Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.


The door hits your purse,which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.


"Occupied!" you scream,as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,tiny,

crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.


It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper- not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.


You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,dear,"You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".


By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.


The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too


At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.


You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.


You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.


You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.


You are no longer able to smile politely to them.


A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly,"Here, you just might need this".


As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.


Annoyed, he asks,"What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"................


This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!

[Honeylioness]

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.


No, she said, the seat is empty.


This is incredible said the man. Who in his right mind would have a seat like this for the Super
Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?


Somberly, the woman says...Well, the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come
here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been
together since we got married in 1967.


Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. but, couldn't you find someone else....a friend or 3elative or even a neighbor to take the seat?

The woman shakes her head,

No, they're all at the funeral.

[Honeylioness]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!


Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:


Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you