Post by Honeylioness on Mar 26, 2010 14:39:14 GMT -5
I may have said this before, in fact I would bet several times - but what the hell, this is MY site and I can repeat myself as often as I want to.
I never thought my life would look like it does at my age. Remember when you were a senior in high school and everywhere you turned people were asking you if you knew yet what you wanted to do with the rest of your life? In my wildest dreams I would not have been able to guess that THIS is where I would be. A single woman homeowner with no children.
I know that it is said that life is what happens while you are planning something else - but I have really started to wonder just where did my plans jump the tracks?
Did it start when I pulled out of admissions to PLU because my father had been laid off and could not afford the tuition? Was it in part caused by my dating Bob F - the manipulative abusive adolescent? Did I take the first step down that slippery slope when I balked at the idea of taking any government money or student loans to finish my last year and a half of college?
I am not sure if any of these specifics are to blame - or if where I am now is just the culmination of a lot of smaller decisions and bad choices I made - and my reactions to those choices.
I know that my reaction and over reaction to the situation with Bob colored not only my self perception but my self projection for years. And is some areas of my life there are still repercussions.
So why am I so focused on this today? What happened that I am this focused on the "might-have-beens"?
Clyde
For reasons I will not even begin to understand I googled him last night, and up came a page on Classmates.com and there he was, listed under the alumni list for his school. I knew it was him - the age and location were right. But honestly, I am not sure I would have recognized him in person. Maybe it was just because the picture was small and not of the best resolution. But my gut told me it was definitely him. And yet not him anymore - if that makes any sense. Besides, the wife and two kids in the picture with him really hammered home how different our lives are now.
I was not just in love with the man, I adored him. I knew in the depths of me that we were meant to be together. And most of my friends and some family members told me the same thing. That the first time they saw us together they just "knew" he was the one. Only no one explained it to Clyde's skittish heart. Yes he had only been divorced for a few years but I am not sure that really was the reason he felt the need to break my heart.
Actually, I was never sure why he REALLY broke my heart - except that it wasn't for the B.S. reasons he mouthed at me that night in the restaurant. And then I swing to wondering just what I did that had been so horrible that he felt the need to get rid of me the way he did. And it just circles round and round in my head until I cry myself to sleep and wake up the next day telling myself I WILL forget him.
Yet after all this time I never have. Don't get me wrong, I do not really think that he is going to walk down the street anytime soon, see me and realize what an idiot he was. Though it is nice to dream about. And I have no idea if I ever crossed his mind in all these years though I do know he only got married about seven years ago - more than a decade after we were together.
I guess I was just unsure of what to feel seeing him there with his son and daughter. He looks happy - I hope he is. I never wanted him to spend his life being miserable - I guess I just hoped he would have chosen to be happy with me.
But having said that and taking the grown-up mature road there - I am still left wondering WHY? Why have I not found someone to spend my life with? Who will actually chose me over anyone else and make me a priority in their life. Someone who lives within a reasonable distance that I might actually see more than two a year.
Do I chose impossible situations and impossible men because deep down I don't want it to get real? Or because I do not really believe I deserve better? Am I projecting some desperate vibe that drives men away or are they all unable to see beyond a few extra pounds and a sassy attitude to the person inside with so much to offer?
I really hate feeling this way - envious of most all the women I know. Jealous of their boyfriends or fiances, or new babies, or older children. Feeling as though they know something I don't about why they have families and am still without one And that realistically, at my age the chances of my getting pregnant and having a "normal" pregnancy and delivery are slim. Add to that fact I am not even dating anyone and well ..... it don't look good folks.
Yes I would like to have someone who thinks I am fantastic and wants to spend his life with me. Any idea how to find this person? I have tried the word of mouth among family and friends, I have done websites - some free and some membership based. And what did I find?
Let's see - I gave one site a parameter of 50 miles as a reasonable distance for a match - and they sent me information on men from Florida, California and all over the country EXCEPT in New England. I have had men who profess to be Christians close matches without even exchanging a word with me because I did not have a photo posted yet, or did have a photo and I was too heavy, or too short, or did not like to ski .... one even said he could not handle a woman with cats or long hair.
HUH?
??
And I PAID for this service to supposedly match me with compatible men??? So I am not so keen on going that route again - on the other hand with some of the "free" sites the pickings aren't that much better - and I found that many of the men were just looking for a weekend or one night hook up.
No thanks.
And before anyone suggests church - the most recent congregation I was attending was lacking in men my age who were not married or gay. So that's out.
If anyone has any better suggestions let me know - otherwise I hear the Catholic Church could really use more residents in their convents.
I never thought my life would look like it does at my age. Remember when you were a senior in high school and everywhere you turned people were asking you if you knew yet what you wanted to do with the rest of your life? In my wildest dreams I would not have been able to guess that THIS is where I would be. A single woman homeowner with no children.
I know that it is said that life is what happens while you are planning something else - but I have really started to wonder just where did my plans jump the tracks?
Did it start when I pulled out of admissions to PLU because my father had been laid off and could not afford the tuition? Was it in part caused by my dating Bob F - the manipulative abusive adolescent? Did I take the first step down that slippery slope when I balked at the idea of taking any government money or student loans to finish my last year and a half of college?
I am not sure if any of these specifics are to blame - or if where I am now is just the culmination of a lot of smaller decisions and bad choices I made - and my reactions to those choices.
I know that my reaction and over reaction to the situation with Bob colored not only my self perception but my self projection for years. And is some areas of my life there are still repercussions.
So why am I so focused on this today? What happened that I am this focused on the "might-have-beens"?
Clyde
For reasons I will not even begin to understand I googled him last night, and up came a page on Classmates.com and there he was, listed under the alumni list for his school. I knew it was him - the age and location were right. But honestly, I am not sure I would have recognized him in person. Maybe it was just because the picture was small and not of the best resolution. But my gut told me it was definitely him. And yet not him anymore - if that makes any sense. Besides, the wife and two kids in the picture with him really hammered home how different our lives are now.
I was not just in love with the man, I adored him. I knew in the depths of me that we were meant to be together. And most of my friends and some family members told me the same thing. That the first time they saw us together they just "knew" he was the one. Only no one explained it to Clyde's skittish heart. Yes he had only been divorced for a few years but I am not sure that really was the reason he felt the need to break my heart.
Actually, I was never sure why he REALLY broke my heart - except that it wasn't for the B.S. reasons he mouthed at me that night in the restaurant. And then I swing to wondering just what I did that had been so horrible that he felt the need to get rid of me the way he did. And it just circles round and round in my head until I cry myself to sleep and wake up the next day telling myself I WILL forget him.
Yet after all this time I never have. Don't get me wrong, I do not really think that he is going to walk down the street anytime soon, see me and realize what an idiot he was. Though it is nice to dream about. And I have no idea if I ever crossed his mind in all these years though I do know he only got married about seven years ago - more than a decade after we were together.
I guess I was just unsure of what to feel seeing him there with his son and daughter. He looks happy - I hope he is. I never wanted him to spend his life being miserable - I guess I just hoped he would have chosen to be happy with me.
But having said that and taking the grown-up mature road there - I am still left wondering WHY? Why have I not found someone to spend my life with? Who will actually chose me over anyone else and make me a priority in their life. Someone who lives within a reasonable distance that I might actually see more than two a year.
Do I chose impossible situations and impossible men because deep down I don't want it to get real? Or because I do not really believe I deserve better? Am I projecting some desperate vibe that drives men away or are they all unable to see beyond a few extra pounds and a sassy attitude to the person inside with so much to offer?
I really hate feeling this way - envious of most all the women I know. Jealous of their boyfriends or fiances, or new babies, or older children. Feeling as though they know something I don't about why they have families and am still without one And that realistically, at my age the chances of my getting pregnant and having a "normal" pregnancy and delivery are slim. Add to that fact I am not even dating anyone and well ..... it don't look good folks.
Yes I would like to have someone who thinks I am fantastic and wants to spend his life with me. Any idea how to find this person? I have tried the word of mouth among family and friends, I have done websites - some free and some membership based. And what did I find?
Let's see - I gave one site a parameter of 50 miles as a reasonable distance for a match - and they sent me information on men from Florida, California and all over the country EXCEPT in New England. I have had men who profess to be Christians close matches without even exchanging a word with me because I did not have a photo posted yet, or did have a photo and I was too heavy, or too short, or did not like to ski .... one even said he could not handle a woman with cats or long hair.
HUH?
??And I PAID for this service to supposedly match me with compatible men??? So I am not so keen on going that route again - on the other hand with some of the "free" sites the pickings aren't that much better - and I found that many of the men were just looking for a weekend or one night hook up.
No thanks.
And before anyone suggests church - the most recent congregation I was attending was lacking in men my age who were not married or gay. So that's out.
If anyone has any better suggestions let me know - otherwise I hear the Catholic Church could really use more residents in their convents.