Callum MacGregor

[Honeylioness]

No, that's not his real name. But his name is not really the important thing for this purpose.

And what IS the purpose of this thread - why to share the pain, or perhaps laughter, at the series of misfortunes that only Callum could get himself into.

I mean really, who survives the Rangers and being posted over seas only to be almost taken out by a local driver as you are walking to the corner store?

[Honeylioness]

The Firefight dance - as told to me one morning



Callum:

I ever tell you about My firefight dance?

In the middle of a firefight...not real heavy...but heavy enough...*chuckles*...all offa sudden...felt somethin in My crotch...I was peein when the shite hit and still had not buttoned down the hatches...*snorts*...so...we takin a good bit of fire...me behind a dune...alla sudden...I feels a tickle...then it starts to hurt...near Me prized parts...then...BAM...like I got hit inna crotch...stood up...middle of folks shootin and yeled cover Me...guys thought I was gonna pull some audie murphy nuts cuz we had a heavy weaps sector sighted to call arty in on ...and was where most of the fire was comin from and arty said would take a min or two...but I jump up and start hoppin around for like 2 or 3 minutes...d**n rounds pingin everywher...wunder I wasnt kia...d**n sand fleas were gnawin on My thingy...I got the er...bruised pecker medal...*snort*...still get e-mails from guys weere there that day askin if the swellin ever went down and did My wife like the outcome...d**n Rangers havent a lick of sympathy


Me:

LMFAO ............OOOHHHHH>>>>>> that is SO much better than the door frame story....*HOWLING****.............soooo.....DID the swelling ever go down???


Callum:

yeah but if you look real close I have tiny tiny white scars...them f**kers are big...LOL

honey...lemme tell ya...Megan Fox coulda laid before Me legs spread and said f**k Me now...couldnt a done a thing but cried...LMAO

[Honeylioness]

25 March 2010[/u]


So I am talking to my friend Callum (not his real name) the other evening and he makes a comment that he really knows why God did not make him a female. It seems for several days he was having "issues" when he went to the bathroom - especially when moving his bowels. But on Saturday when he was in the bathroom it was excrutiatingly painful and when he looked there was blood in the toilet

Naturally he was concerned so he called his brother in law who is a doctor and asked him to prescribe something. The BIL said "Nope, you get yourself to the ER NOW!" After some grumbling he did and was whisked off for some tests and x-rays

Now his BIL comes back grinning with a second doctor and Callum says "What is it? a tumor? cancer? what?" .... the other doctor tells him he needs to come with him into a different room where they get him on a table and put his feet into stirrups

Now at this point he has figured out he probably isn't dying because his BIL is still grinning .... but for a man this is a really vulnerable position ... then they get, what he called, the "big salad tong thing" ... lubricated it and in it went!

Then he learned that the "thing" (or speculum for those following along at home) can be OPENED!! He was NOT thrilled to learn this ... and the second doctor took a seat at the end of the table and said "Now try to relax" .... He said to me "HOW do you ladies let them do this to you on a regular basis???"

Then the doctor went in with a pair of tweezers and he felt something stab into him before it was twisted and the doc pulled back the tweezers with his prize held tightly ... holding it up for Callum to see.

It was a sewing needle! As near as anyone can figure out he must have swallowed it as a child playing in his grandmothers house. She was an avid seamstress and there were always needles and pins all over the floor. Well after 40 years it had worked it's way through his digestive track and was trying to exit - but it had turned and was lodged perpendicular to the "opening" and digging into his rectal wall.

He told me both his BIL and the other doctor were sick puppies because first they wanted to know if he wanted to keep his prize, then they told him it could have been worse .... could have tried to exit through the urethra!

And as he was leaving the OR his BIL looked at him and said with a straight face "don't worry, your sister won't hear about this from me" .....Then paused for a long moment and muttered "Until I get home!"


*****

Now his BIL called him a couple of days later and said "You know, you are really overdue for your first prostate exam - you have to do this". Callum finally gave in and the BIL made the appointment for him and sent him the information about day and time. So off Callum goes, resigned to this invasion of his person as he calls it.

He gets to the doctors office and has his vital signs taken etc and is waiting for the doc. Then when the door opens he said this MOUNTAIN of a guy walks in ... no neck, massive limbs and fingers that Callum swears are the size of sausages on hands as big as a Sunday ham

But the man seems very nice and calm and they talk for a bit then the doctor says "Mr. S - it really is time we get this exam done and he reaches for a pair of gloves ... Callum looks at him and says "Pardon me doc, but there is no way in HELL you're doing this exam" When the doctor asks why he says "Well LOOK at you - your F***ING fingers are bigger than my thingy!"

At which point he stood up because he heard a noise outside the exam room door. Opened it and there is his BIL and all the office nurses trying to be quiet ... but when they see him they lose it and are almost on the floor and in tears laughing.

It seems the "doc" was really a U of AL football player the BIL knew who was recruited to play the part of the doctor just to yank Callum's chain

I was clutching my stomach from laughing and he complained that his whole family was evil like that and I was evil too because I said I liked how their minds worked.