Post by Honeylioness on Feb 10, 2010 13:14:16 GMT -5
09 February 2010
Written to Redhawk
I did a lot of thinking after your phone battery died last night. About what you said and what you merely inferred. You are repeating yourself more and more lately and I can tell you are not even aware of it. I worry for you and about you, about not having a support system of people who care about you. About your survivors guilt and your increasing feelings of isolation.
There is such an edge of hopelessness in your voice - and that is what breaks my heart. When you stated that you had just given up and no longer cared either way I just felt awful. To indicate that you feel as though being bullet fodder is all you are good for and not even caring if your house is repaired enough to provide shelter just stabbed into me. I cannot say that I understand specifically what you are going through, but I know the sound of depression when I hear it.
You also made reference to wishing you had met me years sooner and that your current situation was in no way a reflection on me or a failing of mine.
It seems you cannot come right out and say it anymore than I seem to be able to. And yet I believe we are both acknowledging the same thing. That while I will always care and worry about you, while you will always be my friend and I will always keep a place in my heart for you - it's not enough. At least not enough to continue with the fantasy that there will be a real future for us as a couple.
I could also sense in your voice a real regret for that, and I need to talk to you further about that. It's okay you know, I think I came to this understanding weeks ago.
However this does not mean you have to cease ever calling me. I want us to remain friends. Not because I have any weird idea that something will magically change the dynamics of our relationship - but because I truly do care for you and would be more than willing to be your sounding board or touchstone to the present when you find yourself slipping too much into remembrance of the past.
I wish there was something I could do or say to help you resolve these things and memories that seem to have imprisoned you, but that is work only you can choose to do and then implement.
Know that I will always love you and count you as the dearest of friends.
Written to Redhawk
I did a lot of thinking after your phone battery died last night. About what you said and what you merely inferred. You are repeating yourself more and more lately and I can tell you are not even aware of it. I worry for you and about you, about not having a support system of people who care about you. About your survivors guilt and your increasing feelings of isolation.
There is such an edge of hopelessness in your voice - and that is what breaks my heart. When you stated that you had just given up and no longer cared either way I just felt awful. To indicate that you feel as though being bullet fodder is all you are good for and not even caring if your house is repaired enough to provide shelter just stabbed into me. I cannot say that I understand specifically what you are going through, but I know the sound of depression when I hear it.
You also made reference to wishing you had met me years sooner and that your current situation was in no way a reflection on me or a failing of mine.
It seems you cannot come right out and say it anymore than I seem to be able to. And yet I believe we are both acknowledging the same thing. That while I will always care and worry about you, while you will always be my friend and I will always keep a place in my heart for you - it's not enough. At least not enough to continue with the fantasy that there will be a real future for us as a couple.
I could also sense in your voice a real regret for that, and I need to talk to you further about that. It's okay you know, I think I came to this understanding weeks ago.
However this does not mean you have to cease ever calling me. I want us to remain friends. Not because I have any weird idea that something will magically change the dynamics of our relationship - but because I truly do care for you and would be more than willing to be your sounding board or touchstone to the present when you find yourself slipping too much into remembrance of the past.
I wish there was something I could do or say to help you resolve these things and memories that seem to have imprisoned you, but that is work only you can choose to do and then implement.
Know that I will always love you and count you as the dearest of friends.