Post by Honeylioness on Sept 14, 2009 13:01:33 GMT -5
dividend - 09/08/09 03:10 PM
Can I have a do over on September? I'm at 5/5 EO and only 2/25 C/NS. Sad
In addition to that:
- I need $1k of dental work that will be out of pocket since I didn't opt for supplemental dental.
- I got another bill for the Urgent care visit I needed during the 5 days I was between insurances. This bill came 3 days after the option to retroactively elect Cobra for that month expired. Total due for that is $760. Cobra would have cost $400.
- Fighting with DBF - Why does my cheapness cost him money? Why should my being depressed effect him?
- Between 08/27 and now, I've overspent my allowance by $260, the highlight of which was a mental meltdown (thankfully just inside my head) in the bookstore about how stupid it is to not be able to have a latte on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
- Re-figuring my budget to account for all of that wiped out all the money I saved towards my car / tuition in August, and then some.
- My university approved hardly any of my work experience credits. I have a lot more hours left to take than I was anticipating, and paying for it in cash means that at least a whole year of my life is going to be like this. Most days I don't even want to be in school anymore.
- I'm the slowest rider on all of the bike rides I've been doing. DBF doesn't even want to ride with me. I took him to a new trail that I like, and we did 20 miles. Afterwards, he told me that it wasn't even worth doing because he couldn't set a fast enough pace with me to make it even feel like excercise. I cried. I want to cry again when I think about it.
- DBF's reaction to my deteriorating mood over all of the above? "If you're going to blow money in Las Vegas (friend's wedding, planned and saved for), you have no room to complain about your finances." Maybe he's right. Maybe it is dumb to beat myself up about a $4 coffee after making restaurant reservations in Vegas. That money would offset some of the medical bills.
- I make a nice salary. I'm not doing this because I have to in order to survive. That's it's own kind of hard, and I know I'm not being sympathetic to those of you are are.
I'm really discouraged right now about everything. It takes more and more effort just to get out of bed in the morning.
I want this to be my last negative post. I'm making an effort to stay positive. I know that this is just a rough patch. At least all of these unexpected expenses will just deplete savings, not drive me to credit card debt. At least if DBF leaves me because he can't handle me being bipolar, I have the means to get by on my own, and an amazing family to rely on. And at least I can drive away the demons with a crisp pace through unexplored territory on my bicycle. And that much optimism feels like flexing a completely unfamiliar muscle.
Honeylioness - 09/08/09 11:43 PM
dividend - Based only on what you have shared I must say that I too am not feeling all that warm and fuzzy towards your boyfriend either.
As someone who has battled depression for years I want to give you some of my thoughts on a few things.
You asked "...Why should my being depressed effect him?..." I would try to see this in a more positive light. If your emotional well being was not effecting those you lived with, then I would be much more concerned about the dynamics of the relationship. Perhaps it bothers him because he cares deeply about you - and being male is programmed to see a problem and try to fix it right away. The fact that he can't may create stress and anxiety for him.
Have you been able to objectively think about what your specific triggers are for overspending? Is is feeling out of control in other areas of your life so that what you do with your money feels as though you are claiming control somewhere? Is it that you are not being conscious of the money you spend because each purchase is not being recorded somewhere - like a spreadsheet or check register? Do you shop when you are stressed? bored? anxious? Finding out what our "hot buttons" are is the first step in learning alternate methods of handling those feelings.
You mentioned the recent bike ride you took with your boyfriend. Perhaps you each had different, and unvoiced, expectations? Did you see it as a nice relaxing way to spend some time together while he considered it mere exercise? If so, perhaps this is something you could consider just doing for yourself. Speed is not always the best option and often people forget that enjoying the journey is just as important. However I think he handled it badly, if I had received that comment I would take it to mean that it was not worth his time to spend the extra minutes with ME. Can you talk to him about this or is it still too raw?
Some of your comments over the last month or so have me wondering if perhaps he has his own issues with money that your behavioral changes have dredged up for him. It could be that he knows he should be more frugal but has ignored that inner voice in favor of having fun. Was there maybe a woman in his past who was so inept with money that he found himself rescuing her all the time and he fears the pattern may be repeating itself? Or maybe he really doesn't "get" it. Just some things to consider.
I am going to make the assumption that your comment about being bipolar was not just a toss away remark but an actuality for you. If you are on any medications could you speak to your health care provider about adjusting them a bit to get you through this rough patch? Too many people still experience fear and shame, mostly brought on themselves by themselves, over any kind of mental illness. If we were diabetic would we feel the same way about needing to address our insulin dosage? If you have hereditary high cholesterol would you not feel you were doing the right thing in taking your daily medication?
Perhaps this is just a rough patch the two of you are going through. Perhaps it is just symptomatic of other underlying issues. Either way I know that you know that the only person you can change or help is you. I was glad to see you end the post with a list of things you can be proud of and thankful for. I still have times when it is hard for me to see even the smallest blessing in my life.
Hang in there, I know you have the inner strength and innate wisdom of a woman and will find your way through this. However if you ever want to talk about this in depth off the board you can contact me at quiltinglioness @ juno . com
Sharing the Simple Lifestyle - 09/09/09 12:08 AM
Honey, Wow. That was an awesome answer for dividend.
dividend - 09/09/09 12:00 PM
Thank you ladies very much. Your taking the time to give me thoughtful advice and encouragement means a great deal to me.
Honeylioness - 09/09/09 12:06 PM
dividend - Whew ... good to hear from you I was a bit afraid that my treatise had scared you away or upset you. Hang in there.
Can I have a do over on September? I'm at 5/5 EO and only 2/25 C/NS. Sad
In addition to that:
- I need $1k of dental work that will be out of pocket since I didn't opt for supplemental dental.
- I got another bill for the Urgent care visit I needed during the 5 days I was between insurances. This bill came 3 days after the option to retroactively elect Cobra for that month expired. Total due for that is $760. Cobra would have cost $400.
- Fighting with DBF - Why does my cheapness cost him money? Why should my being depressed effect him?
- Between 08/27 and now, I've overspent my allowance by $260, the highlight of which was a mental meltdown (thankfully just inside my head) in the bookstore about how stupid it is to not be able to have a latte on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
- Re-figuring my budget to account for all of that wiped out all the money I saved towards my car / tuition in August, and then some.
- My university approved hardly any of my work experience credits. I have a lot more hours left to take than I was anticipating, and paying for it in cash means that at least a whole year of my life is going to be like this. Most days I don't even want to be in school anymore.
- I'm the slowest rider on all of the bike rides I've been doing. DBF doesn't even want to ride with me. I took him to a new trail that I like, and we did 20 miles. Afterwards, he told me that it wasn't even worth doing because he couldn't set a fast enough pace with me to make it even feel like excercise. I cried. I want to cry again when I think about it.
- DBF's reaction to my deteriorating mood over all of the above? "If you're going to blow money in Las Vegas (friend's wedding, planned and saved for), you have no room to complain about your finances." Maybe he's right. Maybe it is dumb to beat myself up about a $4 coffee after making restaurant reservations in Vegas. That money would offset some of the medical bills.
- I make a nice salary. I'm not doing this because I have to in order to survive. That's it's own kind of hard, and I know I'm not being sympathetic to those of you are are.
I'm really discouraged right now about everything. It takes more and more effort just to get out of bed in the morning.
I want this to be my last negative post. I'm making an effort to stay positive. I know that this is just a rough patch. At least all of these unexpected expenses will just deplete savings, not drive me to credit card debt. At least if DBF leaves me because he can't handle me being bipolar, I have the means to get by on my own, and an amazing family to rely on. And at least I can drive away the demons with a crisp pace through unexplored territory on my bicycle. And that much optimism feels like flexing a completely unfamiliar muscle.
Honeylioness - 09/08/09 11:43 PM
dividend - Based only on what you have shared I must say that I too am not feeling all that warm and fuzzy towards your boyfriend either.
As someone who has battled depression for years I want to give you some of my thoughts on a few things.
You asked "...Why should my being depressed effect him?..." I would try to see this in a more positive light. If your emotional well being was not effecting those you lived with, then I would be much more concerned about the dynamics of the relationship. Perhaps it bothers him because he cares deeply about you - and being male is programmed to see a problem and try to fix it right away. The fact that he can't may create stress and anxiety for him.
Have you been able to objectively think about what your specific triggers are for overspending? Is is feeling out of control in other areas of your life so that what you do with your money feels as though you are claiming control somewhere? Is it that you are not being conscious of the money you spend because each purchase is not being recorded somewhere - like a spreadsheet or check register? Do you shop when you are stressed? bored? anxious? Finding out what our "hot buttons" are is the first step in learning alternate methods of handling those feelings.
You mentioned the recent bike ride you took with your boyfriend. Perhaps you each had different, and unvoiced, expectations? Did you see it as a nice relaxing way to spend some time together while he considered it mere exercise? If so, perhaps this is something you could consider just doing for yourself. Speed is not always the best option and often people forget that enjoying the journey is just as important. However I think he handled it badly, if I had received that comment I would take it to mean that it was not worth his time to spend the extra minutes with ME. Can you talk to him about this or is it still too raw?
Some of your comments over the last month or so have me wondering if perhaps he has his own issues with money that your behavioral changes have dredged up for him. It could be that he knows he should be more frugal but has ignored that inner voice in favor of having fun. Was there maybe a woman in his past who was so inept with money that he found himself rescuing her all the time and he fears the pattern may be repeating itself? Or maybe he really doesn't "get" it. Just some things to consider.
I am going to make the assumption that your comment about being bipolar was not just a toss away remark but an actuality for you. If you are on any medications could you speak to your health care provider about adjusting them a bit to get you through this rough patch? Too many people still experience fear and shame, mostly brought on themselves by themselves, over any kind of mental illness. If we were diabetic would we feel the same way about needing to address our insulin dosage? If you have hereditary high cholesterol would you not feel you were doing the right thing in taking your daily medication?
Perhaps this is just a rough patch the two of you are going through. Perhaps it is just symptomatic of other underlying issues. Either way I know that you know that the only person you can change or help is you. I was glad to see you end the post with a list of things you can be proud of and thankful for. I still have times when it is hard for me to see even the smallest blessing in my life.
Hang in there, I know you have the inner strength and innate wisdom of a woman and will find your way through this. However if you ever want to talk about this in depth off the board you can contact me at quiltinglioness @ juno . com
Sharing the Simple Lifestyle - 09/09/09 12:08 AM
Honey, Wow. That was an awesome answer for dividend.
dividend - 09/09/09 12:00 PM
Thank you ladies very much. Your taking the time to give me thoughtful advice and encouragement means a great deal to me.
Honeylioness - 09/09/09 12:06 PM
dividend - Whew ... good to hear from you I was a bit afraid that my treatise had scared you away or upset you. Hang in there.