March 2009

[Honeylioness]

02 March 2009

kath74

toasty, reenee, honey - not too many others completely understand my excitement over a new sewing room, but I thought you guys would! I have a new lovely crafting space! I'm so excited! DBF has let me take over the spare room (along with the DD, for her toys) which is a step up literally and figuratively from the basement room we were sharing before) it was so dark and dismal down there, no real light and cold and just yucky. And I did some sewing! I'm almost done a baby quilt top that I've been putting off for awhile. And I'll admit to watching movies for the costumes and linens Please tell me I'm not the only one who caught the beautiful costumes and fabrics in Aeon Flux! The wonderful quilting on the linen jackets, the nice cut of the tunics.... Okay, that's probably a little nerdy too - it was Aeon Flux, after all!

Honeylioness

kath74 - I can completely relate to the excitement of a newer and bigger sewing space. It was a primary factor in my buying my townhouse. Yes, it was in my budget, had off street parking, a deck, lots of windows but too many stairs and had real decorating potential. But the main thing that sold it was the studio.

My complex is built like a U with a flattened end, and in that bottom right hand corner is my unit - which is "overlapped" a bit with the one perpendicular to me. This means that the units to my right and at a 90 degree angle to me both have garages and I don't. I have a regular sized door that leads to a finished space, with a window, that is the same size as other neighbor's garage space. 14.5' x 22' with Lucite shelving units on wheels for fabric, track lights, wall to wall bookcases for books etc, bins for fat quarters, ironing board set up all the time, work table/desk, places for all four sewing machines, computer, small television, full size design wall, craft bureau and even a closet built in under the stairs leading up to the kitchen.

*CONTENTED SIGH*

newhomeowner, You feel right at home! If you want to add any old thing at all, we're your dream group! We glide from one topic to another, attach ourselves to it, practically reproduce on it like little spores and then, mission accomplished, merrily march off to the next topic! It's a riot!

Sharing - Did you just call us fungus - like mushrooms? .... Pretty apt I guess for me lately. Since I feel like a mushroom at work this last week or so. Kept in the dark and fed B-S all day.


03 March 2009


Sharing the Simple Lifestyle

Honey, Harnessing up the dog team, aka putting gas in the Malibu, heading straight to MA to stage a commando raid on your sewing studio. Ah, the stuff of dreams! And yep! We're little mushrooms, popping up everywhere. Ugh for your dark workspace. That would not be pleasant.

Sheila, You are right. I was dreaming about the red door. I love red. If you don't mind offering a bit of free advice, do you think it's still a go with a small house? This is a kind of baby bungalow. The siding is white, the roof is black. There is an attached single garage (the one full of sand, old joke on this thread, newbies!) so the house presents its width to the street. There is a small peak over the little porch. Currently, the garage door and little peak are still painted in that brown that was common in the mid sixties. Call it Park Ranger brown, recalling that this street is the road into the Provincial Park here. Would you recommend I paint the peak red also? It is above the entrance door. What to do with the garage? Black like the roof, red like the door, or white like the siding? The house is just under 900 sq. ft so it is SMALL.

Honeylioness

Red Doors: Ah, another chance to flex my nerd muscles. I belong to the Episcopal Church who’s church doors are more often than not painted red here in the U.S. I have heard several different explanations as to why we do this:

1) In Ireland they painted their front doors red to ward off ghosts and evil spirits. And as ECUSA was breaking away from England we chose this color as a slight snub to the “Empire” in solidarity with the Irish. (I am very skeptical of this one though I like the idea a bit)

2) It signifies that the parish has paid off their mortgage. (I have heard this from many different sources – I think it would be a great thing to do when I pay off my own – much more noticeable than the Newel Post Buttons people used to use – I can expand on this if anyone is interested in acquiring a rather archaic piece of information)

3) Excerpt from a local parish newsletter: "...The Episcopal Church of the Good Samaritan recently had their front doors painted red, following a common tradition in the Episcopal Church. The job was done by Ken Quinlan of Sauk Centre, whose father, as a good Episcopalian, expressed surprise that the doors were not already the "proper" color. Perhaps you, unlike Ken's father, find the red color surprising and wonder what is the significance of red doors on Episcopal Churches.

In the earlier days of the church it was understood that a soldier could not pursue an enemy that had entered through the red doors of a church. The red doors were a symbol of refuge and sanctuary for all people who entered. To all concerned the red on the doors signified the blood of Christ that had been shed so that all who came to him could be saved. Anyone who passed through those doors was safe as long as they stayed behind them.

Over time, Christian people began to see the red doors of the church as symbolizing not only physical refuge and safety, but spiritual refuge as well. The blood of Jesus, and of the Church's martyrs, that the red doors of the church symbolized, would protect you from evil, both physical and spiritual. The red doors spoke to the world of holy ground that existed inside those doors, space that had been purged and made clean by God's Holy Spirit. Today people choose to paint their church doors red for many of the same reasons that churches did centuries ago. (This explanation is the one I like best. For those who already have a red front door, or are considering it – think about what it would mean if your home was described like this – a place of peace and refuge – it would be amazing)

calsfan – Ahh cool – another April Baby!!! How far into the month do you have to wait before it is YOUR day?

Got a question for yall, are you counting NS/CSDs for yourself or you and your DH/SO? Just curious...

wanna_be_a_SAHM – right now just for me, since my SO is still playing soldier. Hmmmm…. Interesting thought, his checks are being direct deposited and things like the mortgage are directly withdrawn. No ATMs in the desert or mountains, not easy to shop with four different weapons strapped to your body (Would the shop keeper even ASK for money?? ) So, Redhawk’s NS/CD total as of today would be 608 as of today.

Sharing - If I did not want to paint the peak and garage door also I might choose a complementary shade of deep raspberry that would complement the brown. Though that might just make you think of raspberry truffles every time you came home.

My parent’s painted their front door a deep deep cranberry to complement the slate blue color of the trim. You could paint the garage door white and then use the accent color around the framing. I think if it is all white it just looks like a packing box someone plunked down.

If you went with a deep forest green for the trim I think you could still use a maroon or deep brick red for the door and avoid the Christmas look you might get with bright hues.

So last night I had the television on and there was Dr. Phil, trying to get this couple to understand that just because they “want” something does not mean they can “afford” it – Oh, and buying your clothes at a thrift store or consignment shop does not make you look like a hobo. *RME*

Honestly, we have all been so far ahead of the current “curve” it’s a wonder we have not yet all been canonized.

Dr Phil show – money saving www.drphil.com/shows/show/1232

azmomx3

Sheila and/or anyone else: We are moving into a rental and they requested we do NOT paint the walls. I am having a hard time with this since I love color on my walls. I love being able to decorate the kids rooms especially. My question is how do you bring color to the room/walls without 1.) painting them and 2.) breaking my budget. In my house now the living room is a suede brown-think a shade darker than chocolate with white molding. I have like 5 white large picture frames up that help accent the wall but the frames will blah into the whit walls at the new house...HELP!!!!

Sheila in Cali

Feels almost like I have a job again when people want advice! Loving it.

Sharing: If the gable thing above the front door is all part of the entry I would not paint it red- it would cause the red door to be less impactful. However if there is a break between the two (like a roof line) than you could paint it red. Although with a 60's house I am kind of digging on the white, red and black motif. I would paint the garage door black and the front door red. If you want to email me a picture I would be happy to give more specific suggestions (screen name at gmail)

azmom: Age old dilemma- white walls in a rental (blah). Easiest way to add color is to bring it in with the artwork. Cheap options-

1. Use the frames but paint them black instead of white (if they aren't expensive frame). Rather than frame picture frame fabric, wrapping paper, etc. Colorful patterns even.

2. You can sometimes find cheap paintings at the thrift store- cover over them with batting and fabric to add color (staple on back). If the house doesn't have a lot of fabric treatments (carpets, drapes, etc) the batting and fabric will help absorb some of the sound.

3. Wait for pre-stretched canvas to go on sale at Michaels and get some paint (the $1 acrylic craft paint will work fine) and let the kids have at it.

Honeylioness

Sharing - ummmm?...Commando raid?.... Errrr.....I...ummm ......ran out....yeah...that's it ....ran out of fabric *nod nod*...yep, and threads and ribbons and buttons and beads and patterns and books and velvets and ....errrrr......even my collection of embroidered handkerchiefs....POOF ...all gone ..... gypsies must have stolen it all in the middle of the night? ....What? ..... what's what? .....behind that sheet hanging from the ceiling you say? .... oh nothing, just the sewer pipes I did not want to look at *nod nod* ....yeah...that's it ...sewer pipes ......What?.....Why can you see some blue and purple scraps on the floor? ....Ummmm..... Oh look....a hunky blonde pretty boy ... go get 'em Toasty ... Go get the PB ....

Azmomx3: Off the top of my head, and not knowing what your budget is for decorating I can think of a few things.

1) Get a piece of foam core of other heavy stock. Cut it about 3-4 inches bigger all around than the frames and paint them the color you want. If the frames are empty I could cut a piece of cardboard to fit them and cover the cardboard with a piece of fabric you like – fabric stores will often have remnants or cut you a small piece. That pattern, surrounded by the white frame then backed with the colored board behind and framing the frame will brighten the walls.

2) If the frames are to stay empty check out discount or wholesale fabric outlets – local ethnic communities are good sources for this. Here in Massachusetts there are several great places in Boston. Perhaps pick just one accent wall, the one with the least “breaks” like doors or windows and staple lengths of fabric to the wall just below the ceiling and above the baseboards. Then hang the frames over this covered area.

3) In one of my former apartments I used a bolt of fabric, cut into lengths, hemmed one end and made a simple rod pocket at the other (leaving about an inch of fabric above the pocket for a small “ruffle”. I made these 2-3 times the length of the wall I was working with, then hung café curtain rods along the length of the wall and gathered these “curtains” into them. It looked rather cool, softened the lines of the room and added a big jolt of color as well.

Honeylioness

phitigirl - Welcome! Wyoming huh? .....Mmmmmmmmmmmm ... rugged men in faded jeans and boots who can lift a bale of hay like I do a book and make even leaning against a tree look HAWT .....errrr.....sorry ....what were we talking about?

LOL - can anyone tell that Hawk has been away for MUCH too long?

Seriously though, when I was getting ready to escape from the Seattle area, Wyoming was one of the five states on my short list. And yes, in true nerd fashion I had a spreadsheet with each state on a tab and notations under columns like: Taxes, jobs, median income, housing etc.

Honeylioness

calsfan – April 4th huh? …. You share a birthday with Arthur Murray (Dance Instructor), John Cameron Swayze (Newscaster), Maya Angelou (Poet), Dorothea Dix (1802-American social activist), Caracalla, (188 -Marcus Aureiius Antoniius - Roman emperor), Karl Wilhelm Siemens (1823-inventor / laid undersea cables) and Tad Lincoln (1853- son of U.S. president Abraham Lincoln)

I am just two days ahead of you on April 2nd and share with: Emmylou Harris (Singer), Alec Guinness (Actor), Hans Christian Anderson (1805 - Writer), Charlemagne (742 - 1st Holy Roman emperor), Francesco M Grimaldi (1618 - mathematician/physicist), Casanova (1725) and Walter Chrysler (1875 - founded car company).

Ironically, Redhawk’s birthday is April 10 and he always tells people I am older than he is because mine comes first in the month. Conveniently forgetting the 10 year difference in the YEARS!! Men – can’t live with ‘em, can’t trade ‘em in for an improved model

Question of the Week (QOTW): For those of you with kids, what shifts have you seen in your kids views about money spending since you started this thread/board? Do you think they will carry on healthy money habits when they leave home? For those of you without kids: How did your parent's views on money affect you and your spending ways?

Challenge of the Week (COTW): Figure out a way to reduce an expense you have. Say instead of going to Starbucks switch to McDonald's for the month. Or turn down your thermostat, change your light bulbs.....

03 March 2009

Sharing the Simple Lifestyle

Sheila, Honey, I am now convinced about the red door. I'll have to venture outside to see about the peak. Good point. Honey, had to smile. I am Episcopalian too, though here that church is called the Anglican Church. In England, the Church of England. I didn't know that! So cool! One DSis knows this type of thing. Alas, in true Sharing/Toasty fashion I only continued through my teen years because we had mixed retreats and I was ALWAYS in love with someone from our youth group. I also learned to smoke cigarettes at one retreat. (Haven't for years.) Oh dear. Not always a good girl..

startsmart - 03/03/09 10:33 PM

beh. days are kinda a blur, grandma hasn't eaten in 5 days and our friend says the longest she's seen someone live after they stop eating is 14 days. the average is 7. mom is back in town tonight as we keep watch around the clock. since they've fired two people at work and a third decided she's going to "be an actress" i'm in no position to take time off. i took myself off the schedule for the part time job but that's about it.

today it finally sunk in for grandpa when the hospice coordinator said "she's very sick. and she's not going to get better." he told her he loved her, kissed her and then cried.

at home now after bathing muddy dogs, paying bills i'd neglected and trying to keep myself together. failing miserably i'm afraid.

nitza19

Honeylioness - escape FROM Seattle.... TO Wyoming....? *blink, blink* jk phitigirl


04 March 2009

Honeylioness

startsmart - Take care of yourself. As hard as it was to hear I am glad your grandfather is now aware so he can cherish the days he has left to talk to his love.

nitza - Yup, I said "Escape". My parents still live in north King County, I went to Shorewood HS, Edmonds CC and SPU. I worked in the shadow of the Needle for seven years, had friends and a fiancee - and never felt at home there I am afraid. I was born in MA, spent years here and summers in NH and have always felt like a YANKEE. There are still some things I miss, like Second Hand Books and See's Candies, but I come back alternate years around the holidays and get my fix then. I also just couldn't handle the grey skies and my S.A.D. anymore - I can handle 7 degree weather as long as there is sun!

And since you no longer want to hear the word "cake" does that mean I can't say Chocolate Espresso Cheesecake? Raspberry Cream Cheesecake? Is pie okay to say? or fudge? or torte?

HappyCat - way to go! A big high-paw from a big "kitty" to you!

phitigirl - MRRRRRRRREEEEOOOWWWW​WWW AHHHHH men who are good with their - ummmm - "hands". *pausing to wipe the drool off my chin* Have I mentioned that Hawk has been gone a really REALLY long time?

QOTW: No two-legged children at the moment so I will have to address the second part of the question.

It is from my mother that I learned how to stretch a dollar. One instance in H.S. I particularly remember is the year my father was out of work for the first time ever and money was incredibly tight. They sat down with my brother and me and explained the situation and that they had been able to set aside $100 each to cover clothes for the upcoming school year. Mom was letting us have the cash and it was up to us to decide how to spend it. But there would be NO more coming, they just did not have it.

My brother went to a local store and bought name brand pair of sneakers and two pairs of Levis (this was about 1979). No shirts, underwear, socks - nothing else. I got a ride to a large thrift store in the area, came home with four bags bursting at the seams with skirts, blouses, pants and few pairs of shoes AND about $40 still left over for new undies (one thing I just cannot bring myself to buy second hand). A couple of the things I bought had cost me less than a $1 each because perhaps the seams were ripped, or all the buttons were missing. A rummage through mom's sewing cabinet and a few hours of work and most people would never know the items had been damaged. I especially remember the great yellow tiered skirt and matching short jacket with the black spots/stains I got for $1. Two weeks later I had embroidered a trailing vine with orange and gold flowers over the spots and along the jacket lapel - and the stains could not be seen.

Unfortunately what I learned from my father about finances is less exemplary. He was never involved in budgeting or spending - he just made it and then let my mother deal with all of it by herself. So I did not see an example of investing, saving, retirement planning or that the one who makes the money helps budget the money. A father's actions have a tremendous influence on daughters - it took me years to re-learn the correct way to interact with my money. However I still struggle a lot with the feeling that I am not smart enough, or don't understand enough to feel that I really can invest or pick the right mutual funds etc. It still feels almost overwhelming to me.

COTW: Reduce a current expense .... hmmmmm. Well, I did post on the Lent thread that one of the things I am going to try to give up completely is my on-line auction site. If I can get to Easter with only one purchase I will be happy. I sort of figured out I was spending too much when I found myself adding a line item to the budget for it. And since I got my laptop and can be on-line on the couch or in bed - I have seen a drop in my smoking, and therefore a drop in the money spent. Since I will only smoke in my office or outside - no where else in the condo.

Okay, True Confession time. I am actively resisting the use of CFLs. Primarily because of the mercury. If you read the FDA's guidelines for dealing with a broken bulb you are reminded that mercury IS a very hazardous material that can cause all sorts of neurological and physical problems. Must I really invest in a reverse airflow fan to clear my home of the fumes and suit up like an Haz-Mat worker to deal with a broken bulb? I also don't like the idea that in most cases used bulbs will be tossed into the trash - which the FDA says is safe, unless the glass breaks. *RME*.

Yes, my local utility company does provide a listing of places that offer recycling of these bulbs - but not for my town. Or my part of the country. The nearest one is 30 miles away and you must be a resident of that town only to use it. I'll wait until they figure out just how to make this really work.













LEAD: Nantucket Island, which is renowned for the exploits of its whaling fleet, gave rise to a curious ivory medal in its early days. The medal is called a Nantucket mortgage button and commemorates not valor, but thrift.
Nantucket Island, which is renowned for the exploits of its whaling fleet, gave rise to a curious ivory medal in its early days. The medal is called a Nantucket mortgage button and commemorates not valor, but thrift.
Hard-working residents tried to represent the severe ideals of the early settlers. They were a mixed bunch of Pilgrims and Quakers. It was a mixture that often brought trouble to the rest of New England.
But on Nantucket the two groups worked together and survived. One of the odd customs was that when a mortgage was paid off, the papers were burned. A hole was carved in the main newel post at the bottom of the home's staircase and the ashes were interred into the hole. An ivory button, plain and unengraved, sealed the hole.
If a home did not have a newel post, the ashes and mortgage button were placed in some other conspicuous part of the home - usually the mantel above the fireplace.
The ivory button conspicuously denoted the attainment of wealth. But the custom caught on to such an extent that buttons began appearing in houses that were still heavily mortgaged. Who was to know what ashes, if any, lay concealed under the button?

[Honeylioness]

For those who grew up poor or working class


LadyV_39 - 03/03/09 09:16 PM

If this comes across as snarky, I apologize in advance. However, someone's opinion on another thread made me extremely upset and I'm still upset even after replying to the person. I'm not even sure why I should even have a strong reaction to a few paragraphs written by someone I'll probably never meet, but I do.

Anyhoo, as I've stated previously, I did not have a lot growing up. I had the basics, though. I always had a roof over my head. I never went hungry. We never went without electricity and such. Technically, we weren't poor, but I went without some of the things that my wealthier classmates took for granted. I did not have my own room growing up. I slept next to my sister in the same bed. We didn't have designer clothes. They came from a discount store and every now and then, a thrift store. We didn't have all of the latest toys. It was difficult at times. Children aren't always the most sensitive beings. I was snubbed by a few classmates for not having designer clothes. It shouldn't matter what kind of clothes a person wears. What they are on the inside should count. Unfortunately in our society, sometimes status and style are more important than substance, though. I did make it through, though.

This is the point of my post. I've been to college and made something of myself. I earn more money than either of my parents did at my age. However, I don't look down on people who live in the same circumstances I did growing up. I was blessed in many ways, because there are people who have it worse than I had it. I try not to forget where I came from. Yet somehow, in that other thread, I was made to feel ashamed of something in my background. I was made to feel as if my mother was a neglectful monster, when she only did the best she could under the circumstances of the time. Up until today, I never thought anything of this thing in my background, but now I feel inferior. I hate feeling this way. My question to those who have overcome their poor or working class childhoods is-do you look down on those today who live the way you grew up? Have you ever felt ashamed of your background by something someone said on these boards or elsewhere?

**************

Honeylioness - 03/04/09 09:29 AM

LadyV - I completely agree with cpstl who stated that "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission". We choose every day how to respond and react to those we encounter, and one of the major problems with the Internet I have found is that many people feel free to make judgmental and hurtful comments from the safe anonymity of their computer screen.

For me, I don't classify the way I grew up based on a name of any class - it just was what it was. I knew there would be something to eat in the evenings, and a lunch for school and a bowl of cereal and toast in the morning. What I did not learn until years later was that my parents often did not eat meat for weeks at a time so that my brother and I could. To me, THAT is an example of the large difference between poverty and being poor. Which is why I do not use the two words interchangeably.

Poverty is a socio-economic situation that has to do only with the ability to earn money balanced against the current cost of necessities such as housing and food. So perhaps in that sense we did live at a poverty level when I was young. My father was recently out of the Army, working as a technician and going to college at night on the GI Bill. He did the best he could during this time but there never was anything left over, and usually there was not even enough in terms of cash. Once he got his degree and could get a better job things improved and we had less worries about paying the bills, and as he was promoted and moved through his career it got more "comfortable".

Poor, on the other hand, carries for me a larger range of negative connotations and implications. Some people "choose" to be poor, by that I mean they make the decision that instead of paying for milk they will buy lottery tickets. And instead of sending $600 to the landlord they will instead go play the ponies because "this time" they are going to win big. Some may say these type of people have an "addiction" but, and I apologize to any who feel this is too harsh, in many cases I think this is just a cop out. They KNEW the things they should be doing - they just chose to do something else.

Poor for me has little to do with money or material things and more to do with a person's inner self. Are they loving, kind, conscientious? Do they get up every morning and do the best they can for their family and others? Even if their home is humble, is it clean? Do they pride in what they CAN do rather than what they don't have? This to me then is not a poor person, just one short of funds.

An extreme examples of people who I would consider "poor" are Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears, Dennis Rodman or Michael Jackson. They all make me sad. Yes they may have, or had, money - but they do not strike me as particularly happy or contented people. They seem to always need others to validate their outer trappings and seek attention because at a deep level they are unable to be alone with themselves. Of course I "could" be completely off base and this is just my own judgment - but oh well. Everyone has a right to their opinion, and this is mine.

Which leads us back to my original agreement with cpstl. We each choose how to react and respond. And yes, I have run across some really nasty, small minded and sanctimonious idiots on the Internet. And yes, I use to take their comments very much to heart and would get upset. That is until I realized that no-one, NO-ONE - not in life or cyberspace - has the right to judge my thoughts, experiences or opinions. They may not agree, but why do I really care? Once I decided I didn't - life got a lot easier.

[Honeylioness]

08 March 2009


The Effects of Financial Stress

MP Dunleavey 03/08/09 06:55 PM

Hi all, I'm working on a story about the physical and emotional effects of financial stress. Let me know if you're experiencing any symptoms that you think are a result of money or job worries (or financial strain in general). Stress manifests in different ways for different people, but there are two things I'm interested in:

1) Symptoms of stress like insomnia, depression, higher blood pressure, more anxiety or tension, etc.

2) Whether you find yourself smoking/drinking/eating Oreos more to cope.

3) Whether you've found any useful ways to cope with your stress!

As always, I'm at [e-mail]. If you'd like to chat, tell me a way to reach you tomorrow. Or, if you'd like to be quoted, but only via email, then please include your name and location.

Thank you!

Mia (who has been experiencing intense anxiety, fights with husband, insomnia and is wondering if medical help is in order, or can she get thru this with exercise and deep breathing?)

****************************

Honeylioness - 03/09/09 11:01 AM

While I know intellectually that I am in okay financial shape - I have a job, can pay my bills and have no debt outside of the mortgage - I really thought I was dealing just fine with the current economic situation.

But recently I have become very aware that I may have just been in denial about how much of the Doomsday media talk I have actually internalized. One of the things I made a conscious decision to change in January was to cut back on just how much news coverage of the economy I would watch/listen to. Not because I was trying to hide from the facts – but because of the sensationalistic, Chicken Little, drama-fest in which it is presented. I know tragedy and fear are the angles most media organizations seem to feel will sell their products better. But give me a break.

In the past month or so I find I am much more “testy”, have less patience with mistakes or idiotic behavior from co-workers or friends and am “isolating”. That is I prefer to hunker down at home and be alone as opposed to wanting to be around people. My budget shows my smoking habit has not diminished and at times seems to have increased. My sleep is not as restful as it was, I feel on edge a lot of the time and have even found myself snarling acerbic comments at some “Talking Head” I might run across on television.

Of course this could be unrelated to the Economy. It might just be cabin fever as Winter drags on or I am going through peri-menopause. One can only hope.


articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/ManageDebt/stress-less-about-this-recession.asp


SES_Books - 03/11/09 10:59 AM

Honeylioness--you are famous! Very well said. I think that describes a lot of us.

Honeylioness - 03/11/09 02:21 PM

AACCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Okay, I guess I have been "outed"

For those that did not catch SES's reference this is the Article article she was referring to.

So now you all know, I DO have a real name!

[Honeylioness]

Red2Black2011 - 03/07/09 03:16 PM

Ladies, just got a email from Startsmart, Grandma passed at 8am pst.

Sharing the Simple Lifestyle - 03/07/09 08:51 PM

smartstart, Grandma's journey to peace was illuminated by your constant love. We are all better people to have been privy to the depth of your devotion.

startsmart - 03/07/09 11:41 PM

its been a rough day for sure. my parents stayed the night at grandma's side and i came home. listening to her struggle to breathe was so hard to hear. dad came by at 9 to tell me she'd passed and our good friend bill picked up grandpa. we stayed in the room until noon with the pastor and the director of the home just talking. coroner came to pick up her body and we removed the medical equipment and hospital bed from the room. grandpa is doing well, i saw him for a bit tonight and though he's sad he really is coping well. the wagons are circling round him so he'll have plenty of support. some family came in from the midwest today, my brother arrives tomorrow and my other grandparents will travel up on friday for the service. as for me i'm still mourning. i know, I KNOW, that she's in a better place and still wants what's best for all of us. people have told me she's been gone for years but truly, she's just been different. still sweet and caring, always loving and never cross. she may not remember our camping trips or what she had for lunch that day but she was still here. and i miss her terribly. so struggling with the sadness and, honestly, the nagging voice that says it's somehow my fault. i know its not true and i know that no matter how much a caregiver does death is certain but there's still the nagging voice.the family is meeting for lunch tomorrow and i'm probably going to couple that experience with a long drive in the country and follow it by an hour at the coffee shop writing in my journal. i will probably have to go back to work monday through thursday so i can take off for the service but i'm hoping by then i'll have the random bouts of crying under control.thanks for listening (reading). night all.

JennysMom - 03/08/09 01:07 PM

smartstart Please take care of yourself. This poem has brought me comfort, and I hope the same for you.

THE BROKEN CHAIN

We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

10 March 2009


startsmart - 03/10/09 11:18 PM

I'll try to catch y'all up since it seems to help me put life and times of startsmart in perspective.

Grandma passed on Saturday morning. After staying in the room for 3 hours when the funeral director came to transport her body my parents and I went to lunch where I had a very large mimosa under the glare of my disapproving father. Not that I cared. Went home and pulled weeds in the front yard, organized 79 years of pictures of my grandma, cleaned the kitchen and did laundry.

Sunday I tackled the paper pile in my office, made dessert for family get together and copied 2GB of family photos for a visiting relative. Picked up pictures at the store, went to family bbq and left as soon as I could after unsuccessfully avoiding my uncle. I kept walking out of every room he walked into but there were only two rooms and he didn't seem to get the hint.

Monday Mom informs me my aunt can't or won't write the obituary. So I wrote the obituary last night, finished around 2am. Sent it off to red_wagon for editing and my mom for a fact check. Tried to sleep but after 18 hours of nothing but coffee and vicodin I was up for a long time.

Today I went to work, exhausted, submitted the obituary. Send off pictures of grandma for the embalmer so they can do her hair and make-up. Worked on the program for the service. Called to ask family friends to be pall bearers. Contacted my aunt from out of town. Researched printers for program. Sent obituary to pastor for the eulogy. Painted the bathroom.

I called my mom to find out if anyone had thought of going to see my grandpa to inform him of the viewing (Thursday) and funeral (Friday) so he would not be caught off guard. No. My uncle, the sheep-hole, is out at a basketball game tonight. He doesn't even intend on going to the viewing. He hasn't spoken to Grandpa since Sunday. Uncle Needs-A-Kick-In-The-Arse-From-Woman-With-Steel-Toed-Boots won't plan on picking up his own father for his own mother's funeral nor does he care one iota about the service. He's going to die alone and I hope no one plans or attends the service he doesn't deserve.


beej67 - 03/10/09 11:26 PM

Startsmart - you're uncle is an ass. You are a wonderful granddaughter and both your gp's know (knew) that and that's all that matters in the end. It's not really customary for the arrangements to be made by the grandchildren (I should really make that singular, huh?) and I'm sorry it's falling on your shoulders, but honestly, you'll honor your gm better than anyone else possibly could. hang in there. hugs.

startsmart - 03/11/09 12:34 AM

I know I can't "link" to a blog but if you type in "my friend kelly" to google.com you'll find my website with a newly added picture of my grandma. I may be adding more as I work on the service.

myfriendkelly.wordpress.com/


Angel 33 - 03/11/09 07:05 AM

Startsmart are you buy chance related to us? My DH's grandma passed away on Saturday too, and he has a major arse-hole Uncle as well. As grandma lay dying in the hospital...he and his wife took a truck to grandma's house and took everything that they wanted. Then when the other siblings said something about it...he said he wasn't going to the viewing or the funeral if everyone was going to treat him that way. Said he DESERVED grandma's stuff because he is the one who took care of her...which of course was bull hockey. Her daughter and granddaughter took care of her.

Anyway, I am very sorry to hear that things are so hard right now during this time. I don't know why some family members behave in a way like your Uncle and DH's Uncle does. I think they just don't have a soul. Hugs to you.

startsmart - 03/11/09 10:52 AM

Angel33- you had me scared for a moment since I think you're awesome and would want being in my family to taint that image of you No, my grandma passed away in an assisted living home surrounded by family, no hospitals for her. Plus their house has been cleaned up and the heirlooms equitably divided among the siblings. My mom has grandma's wedding band, uncle took the tool cabinet, you know everyone got something they thought was important. Personally, my mom asked for and then gave to me grandma's desk.

So freakin' exhausted. Spent most of the night talking to people about funeral arrangements, calling pall bearers, making arrangements with my other grandparents coming into town, informing grandpa's care home of times we'll be there to pick him up. Need to finish the program today and print it. Then run out to the store and get myself some makeup and a black sweater. Depending on who stays in town through Saturday the mental breakdown I've planned may need to wait until Sunday.

JennysMom - 03/11/09 11:57 AM

startsmart The picture of your grandma on your blog is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. I hope very much that you'll be able to get some rest for yourself. Please take care during this difficult time. Keep all your wonderful memories in your heart--where they will live forever. We're all here for you...

Honeylioness - 03/13/09 09:57 AM

startsmart - I am exhausted just reading your post. I know it helps to keep busy, I have been there too often myself. I wish you were closer so I could just tuck you into bed, let you have a good cry then a nap, and when you woke up I would have the house clean, the puppies fed and your dinner ready. Consider this my virtual pampering of you. If you need to talk or vent or whatever you have my e-mail.


startsmart - 03/16/09 12:16 PM

oh dear gawd I'm so drained. Can't believe I hauled my assets into work today since the "actress" is "sick" and the receptionist is out too. Joys.

Scanned through the thread this morning and was so touched at your virtual toast to grandma. funny enough she never drank (grandpa being an alcoholic and all) but when she got alzheimer's she used to wander around the grocery store "looking for a wine cooler!"

Thursday was tough at the viewing. My aunt is pathologically incapable of being on time and had the guest book. Showed up late with pens that leaked black ink on everyone's hands. Grandma looked beautiful, so peaceful and calm. Met a bunch of people I didn't know or remember and felt very alone. Then (big grin) a friend of mine showed up and that helped a ton. We talked for about an hour and he gave me a big hug before leaving.

Friday and the funeral was hard, Aunt showed up late (again) although her husband was to be there early as a pallbearer. She also completely dropped the ball on the music. Overall it went well, i.e. everything my mom and I planned was fine, very simple and classy like Grandma. Only hitch was my Grandpa decided not to attend then changed his mind. By the time he was dressed and ready to go the service was over so I took him out to the grave site to say good-bye.

Family all left on Friday afternoon so my mental breakdown could proceed as scheduled. Most of the weekend is a blur. I painted a little and hung some picture frames. Read 4 books back to back and watched a couple of movies. Puppies stayed close, literally pining me to the sofa most of the time. I won't say much about my mental state because I don't want to cry at work. Maybe later.

[Honeylioness]

09 March 2009[/u]

Honeylioness

Pregnancy – while I have not yet done this myself I just wanted to chime in as I see we have moved onto baby sizes. And to say that I am holding to the maxim that a woman tends to have the kind of pregnancy her mother does – anyways, that is my hope!

I was considered “huge” when I was born in 1963 as I weighed in at 8 pounds. Two years later along came my brother at 8 pounds 11 ounces. The nurses nick-named him The Moose. My mother was in labor with me – start to finish – about 8 hours, and only in the hospital about 3 hours before I showed up. With my brother it was just under three hours from the time she had her first contraction until he showed up – and a mere 26 minutes actually in the hospital. She almost gave birth on a gurney in the hallway.

THAT is why I am hoping I follow in her footsteps. Oh, a side note. She really wanted a third child but my father refused. Said they had one of each and if God made a third kind they could give it a shot – besides, the were coming much too fast and he was NOT going to do a home delivery.

Sharing – MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Maple Syrup. When I lived on the West Coast the one indulgence I could not give up was buying real maple syrup. I just cannot use anything else anymore. Even here in New England it is still pricier than the flavored corn syrup but so much more satisfying.

And I am SERIOUSLY jealous of you finding $2/yard fabric. Not that I NEED any more fabric you understand, but of course there are always .. ummm… “gaps” in my stash to be filled ya know.

Gardens – The Association won’t let me dig up the unused side yard of the complex to put in my own personal garden. Pffttttt. So I container garden. Mostly heirloom tomatoes, herbs and some ornamentals like Love-Lies-Bleeding which I absolutely love. Last year my tomato crop was ridiculously low and I could not figure it out. Until my next door neighbor showed me a picture she took. Seems we acquired a resident squirrel who would come into the courtyard, climb onto my back balcony, then gorge himself on my tomatoes!!!!! Little bugger.

Lumberlady – congratulations on this new milestone.

CoffeeGirl – Good luck on the quitting. If you have any tips that really worked for you I would love to know. I am almost at the point where I really want to quit also. I am just afraid I will substitute M&Ms instead and balloon up another 30 pounds.


SES_Books

Sharing --I know why this thread works. We all admit we aren't perfect and have changes to make. We're able to work on those changes in a positive, supportive environment. If we want to be cut to shreds while we make our baby steps we can go over to the "dark side" on YM where everyone is a know-it-all expert.

Honeylioness

*trying to be good ... trying to be good*

I read SES's comment about how "...We all admit we aren't perfect and have changes to make..." and it sent my mind into that weird place it tends to go to. But I will refrain from posting my version of the Twelve Steps so I don't offend anyone. Even though I have the greatest respect for A.A. and was a member of Al Anon for many years myself.

Which brings me to my main issue. My attitude, or lack thereof. I have been so on edge and testy and "female-dog" lately that I can barely even stand to be in a room with myself, never mind another person. So I have not posted much for fear I would shoot off a comment that I thought was cute or funny only to see that no-one else thought it was either one.

I just can't seem to get out of my own way.

On a different note: I had a very nice telephone conversation with M.P. Dunleavey today, though she has this awful cough that made me wince to hear it. I may have an article link for you this week and then I can claim to be famous. Well, if not famous than at least a bit more notorious Hot

Anyway, that is what passes for my life at the moment. I will post my numbers tonight. Meanwhile I just swing from wanting to walk out of my job with no notice, tell one of the managers just where he can put his latest last minute lack of planning "emergency", or just curling into a ball under the covers and not coming out until June.

Twelve Steps of Financial Freedom

1. We admitted we were powerless over the stock market - that our pensions and investments had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity and fiscal responsibility.

3. Made a decision to turn our will, our lives and our money over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, and scrutinized our budgets, investments and income.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and the WIRR the exact nature of our wrongs and shared our common frustration with those who brought us to this place as a society.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character in ourselves if they existed.

7. Humbly asked Him to slap certain financial “gurus” upside the head with a spiritual 2 X 4 and for the patience and peace to not seek bodily revenge on the self-serving, self-important, no-sense-of-reality bloated CEOs who drove much of the process.

8. Made a list of all credit we had accumulated and become willing to bust our butts to pay off them all.

9. Made direct payments to such accounts wherever possible, except when to do so would injure our budgets or FICO scores.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Including tracking every dime spent and working to address the weaknesses in our savings habit.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. As well as continuing to keep in touch with our NS/CS friends.

12. Having had a spiritual (and financial) awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

[Honeylioness]

Lessons From the Depression


keriamon - 03/05/09 05:19 PM

Has anyone got any good advice from a parent or grandparent or someone they've read about how they survived the Depression?

My stepfather's aunt said they were so poor at the time, they never noticed it. My grandfather was the same way; they were poor Alabama cotton farmers and it doesn't seem to have mattered to them. My other grandmother came from a better-off family, though; they had their own farm and it was large and they were self-sustaining on it. They had a horse and wagon for transporation. Her father would walk up north or out west or anywhere there was a job--usually on the railroad--and get enough cash to pay the taxes and buy shoes and fabric and other supplies. My grandmother's mother and the children kept the farm running. My grandmother doesn't remember wanting for anything at the time (not that standards were terribly high before or after the Depression). It wasn't until her brother went into the service during the war that he bought a car and left it at the farm for the family to use. My other grandmother was born after the Depression and my other grandfather is died before I was born, although my grandmother told me that he had a job part of the time, anyways, in the CCC, and helped build a rock wall along Highway 41 around Lookout Mountain in Chattanooga. It was one of those make-work sorts of projects that a lot of the public works projects were about at the time, but given the number of people who haven't gone tumbling off the side of the mountain to their deaths thanks to that wall, it wasn't such a bad idea.

Has anyone else's family got a story about surviving the depression? Things to think about, hints or sage advice?


CyndaH - 03/05/09 05:29 PM

I just have tidbits on survival from my parents....Momma says, I'll tell you one thing young lady, we didn't eat out all the time, you learned to cook, and raise chickens, use hunting season for meat in the freezer! My father says, live somewhere where you can plant a garden and watch it grow! Do your kids even understand that food doesn't start from the grocery store? Yes momma, yes daddy Smile

So I live in the desert, I haven't one idea how to start a garden...but I have turned into a mini RachaelRayPaulaDeanB​ettyCrocker in the kitchen!


keriamon - 03/05/09 05:58 PM

So I live in the desert, I haven't one idea how to start a garden

"Grow-Bed Gardening" by Mittleider has pictures in it of a garden that he grew on a reservation in the desert Southwest. Even he was surprised that it grew and produced normally, because he said it was about 20 degrees hotter in the daytime than even the toughest plants were rated for, but even the tetchy tomato plants grew as well as they did anywhere else. He's also grown gardens in Africa. Apprently, if you feed your plants enough, and give them some water (his method supposedly uses less water than a normal garden requires), they'll grow just about anywhere where people can live.

Even if you have water rationing in the summertime, you can use bath water or shower water to water the garden with. I've heard that the soap in the water won't harm the plants. You can also plant your garden over your field lines or washing mahine line, if it's separate, to give them a boost. You'll know where they are, because it'll be the greenest spot in the yard all summer. There shouldn't be any garden vegetable with roots that can harm your field lines, especially if you use Mittleider's method of planting the vegetables in little hills at least 4 inches high.


tracita - 03/05/09 06:03 PM

So I don't have any good insight, but I do have a funny story my grandmother told us about growing up in the depression. It was Christmas and each person in the family was telling the story of their favorite Christmas. When it was my grandmas turn she told us the story of when she was about 10. It was the middle of the depression and there were few gifts under the Christmas tree. The kids all felt bad about it, so they went out to the barn and found frozen cow pies and wrapped them up and put them under the tree. Well the cow pies started warming up and melting once they were inside and they had a huge stinky mess. The story made us all laugh and realize we should be thankful for what we had.


keriamon - 03/05/09 06:05 PM

ROFL. Cow pies for Christmas presents... yep, that's pretty bad. Still, I'd take a cow pie anyday over what our cats--our black one, in particular--can put out. Whew!


Ruby-Slippers - 03/05/09 07:42 PM

I never knew how bad my grandparents had it during the Depression until later on in life but as a child, I observed many things about my grandparents, as my siblings and I spent a lot of time with them growing up.

My grandmother never threw anything away that could be used later. She had a cupboard full of butter bowls, glass jars, string, cloth etc... One time all six of us ended up staying there for several days when a blizzard stranded my parents out of town. We kids wanted to play out in the snow but had no boots. She took several bread wrappers and wrapped them over our shoes and tied them with string. We could then go out and play awhile. She also made bibs for my little sisters out of oilcloth, I think.

They had jars for pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters. To young kids we thought they were rich. Little did we know how bad things were for them. It was considered a sin to waste any food or to leave lights on when not in use. If something got broken, it would get fixed. My cousins and I remember picking cherries in the summer for canning. Other fruit was canned as well. I remember watching my grandpa make his very own beer. My grandma's pride was a well-stocked freezer. I'm sure it made her feel safe. When my mother was little, they had very little food, especially meat. The saddest story was when the pet rabbit was sacrificed for supper. My grandmother cried the whole time she was fixing it and then no one could manage to eat "Pete".

I also remember helping her lick the green stamps in a book that was redeemed for merchandise. I don't know if they had coupons back then, but it they did, she would've used them.

I think that the biggest lesson to be learned from them would have to be to not be wasteful. Also, their religious faith was important to both of them and helped them out during the roughest years of their life.


New-Mummy - 03/05/09 08:14 PM

My grandmother never threw anything away that could be used later. She had a cupboard full of butter bowls, glass jars, string, cloth etc...

I'm all for recycling, but my grandmother still keeps absolutely EVERY container that comes into her household, to the point where you cannot walk into her primary residence. She just bought a second house and it's apparently beginning to stack up the same way. It's important not to confuse thrift with hoarding behaviours; if it was confined to one cupboard, I'd call it thrift whereas in my grandmother's case, it's gone WAAAAY past that.


keriamon - 03/06/09 09:35 PM

if it was confined to one cupboard, I'd call it thrift whereas in my grandmother's case, it's gone WAAAAY past that.

Yeah, that's a known psychological disorder common among people who have lived through very bad times. In fact, you can pretty well gauge how bad someone had it by how much they hoard (although children learn hoarding from parents, so it can be passed on, even if the children grew up more wealthy).

I read a Holocaust book, "Maus", and the author's father was a pretty bad hoarder. His son had always resented the junky-ness of it, but when he was in his 40's, and was interviewing his father about what it had been like in the concentration camps, he realized why his father was the way he was. In a concentration camp, a string was a prized possession. His dad talked about how a string could be used as a belt to hold up the pants that were too big for you. Or you could tie your soup cup to your belt, because to leave your soup cup out of sight was to have it stolen and then you couldn't get anything to eat. His father had spent two or three years honing his scavenging abilities. He survived because he was able to scavenge, steal, and make do. And it forever changed his mindset; he just couldn't walk past a string on a sidewalk and not pick it up, even though he was living in America and making good money afterwards.


Chinsy4 - 03/07/09 07:50 AM

I think people will adjust when they have too. In good times, it often doesn't make economic sense to do the things our grandparents did. If you are doing well and earning a good living, it often made more economic sense to hire people, buy things that are already done, prepared, premade, etc since time is money and you could earn more at your job than doing those things yourself.
I really don't want to can tomatoes, sew my own clothes, hang my laundry outside, etc. If I have to do those things to survive, then I will. Right now, there are better and more efficient expenditures of my time.

But, yes, we all could learn a few lessons. And, knowing some of the things they did is or may be helpful down the road.


Honeylioness - 03/10/09 11:34 AM

My mother's parents were a big influence in my life when I was little as we lived near them and saw them weekly or not more often. Both were in their late teens and early 20s during the Depression and I suppose I learned a lot of my thrifty ways more from watching them than anything I remember them saying directly. At least until I was in High School neither really talked much about how tough it was for them. I do recall though learning why my normally frugal grandfather ALWAYS bought the most expensive ground meat he could. I learned that his mother has basically thrown him out of the house at eighteen because she could not longer afford to feed him and had other family to consider. He lived with a couple of friends at a boarding house and for over a year the only food they could afford was cheap gristly ground beef and canned peas. My mother said she never saw my grandfather eat a canned pea her whole life.

Having barely made it out of the Depression they were then faced with WWII and ration coupons. While rationing may sound to us like a real hardship, most people just shrugged and rolled with it. Having any options at all after the darkness of the earlier decade seemed like a wonderful thing to them.

Like ruby slippers my grandmother collected and used the S&W Green Stamps. I also can remember helping her put them into the little books. I can remember helping tear up worn out sheets and towels for dusting or wash rags. Making presents, rubbing the mold cast lines off candles which my grandmother made and sold quite successfully for years, eating foods only in season (partly because there really wasn't any other option - we were not getting produce from Chile in November) and watching my father patch and repair items that today most people would just throw away.

My father's parents lived halfway across the country and I only met my grand-da twice before he died. My dad was the oldest of 12 surviving children and they were incredibly poor. Growing and raising your own food was the ONLY way to survive. Each child also worked a part time job by the time they were 10 to help support the family. Picking cotton, harvesting produce, working farm stands, taking in sewing and other things kept the family from starving. Though there are stories that if you were late for dinner you would most likely not eat that night.

I have found over the last 20 years that I actually enjoy doing many things the "Old fashioned" way like hanging my laundry to dry, canning, keeping a well stocked freezer, making bread, and throwing very little away. It is rare that I put out a full bag of trash each week.

I think I may have inherited some kind of "frugal gene" as well. I save string from the tops of cat food (good for tying tomato plants to their cages), wash and re-use ziploc bags, use old envelopes for notepaper, make quilts from thrift store clothing I cut up (as well as new fabric), darn socks, mend clothing etc. My feeling is that I would rather do these things now while I have money to put into savings and give myself a bigger cushion if that time comes when I HAVE to do these things.


CoffeeGirl - 03/10/09 11:49 AM

Keriamon - good call on this book - it's a fantastic read! "Grow-Bed Gardening" and a must read for a desert gardener.

I am so lucky to still have my grandparents - my grandmother was 7 in 1929, so she remembers it better than he does, as he was born in 1929. Anyway - my great grandmother died when grandma was 14, so she became the lady of the house, and her father was an artist before the crash. But what he did during the depression in Indiana was to help people remodel homes to fit more people. He had done frescoes and murals and such, so he had scaffolding and all kinds of stuff. He mostly worked for food, and he was a minister. But he would take small homes and make rooms for more families in them with sheet walls, and such. He would paint murals on houses with his leftover paints for weddings/births etc. My grandmother is 87 now, and still works part time - she is scared to death of dying poor since my grandad retired last year after his stroke. She shops at consignment stores only, and used to tailor all of her finds to fit her (very very very tiny lady) but gave that up due to arthritis the last two years. She only buys what she can eat, uses everything i her fridge. I have seen her save the last bite of food in a container, and come out with leftover night each of them getting 1/2-1 bite of each item from the last week plus a small salad. Casseroles are her friend - her new diet makes casserole cooking very hard for her so she is having a hard time relearning how to cook. They also eat very little meat - at dinner they may have a 2-4 oz portion each - which is what you are supposed to have according to the FDA, but is about half of what most of us eat. They walk everywhere they can.


NancyinFL - 03/10/09 01:13 PM

I lost my grandma in 2006. She was born in 1906, so she lived through the depression, wars, recessions...she saw it all. And never wasted a thing. She recycled, reused, refurbished, or she did without. She took apart clothes and made new ones from the old. She recovered furniture and had it repaired. She walked or used public transportation. If she had more than the neighbors, or they had more than her, everyone shared. A knock on the door and an offer to help one another was not a sign of weakness or grandiosity on ayone's part; it was just what people did for each other. When she found items on sale, she bought extra to keep for herself or give away to those in need.

She used the newspaper ads for the best sales, but never hesitated to invest in quality, even when it was more expensive. She also believed in shopping the local merchants, since her husband was a local shopkeeper. She knew if people were going to patronize his store, she had to set an example and do the same. She also served her community as a volunteer, because there was no point in complaining about the way things are if you are not going to get involved in the solution.


IowaSwirl - 03/10/09 02:48 PM

I don't know if my grandma does it to save money or simply because it's what she knows, but she uses vinegar on/in/for EVERYTHING.

Sunburn? Rub vinegar on it.

Dirty floor? Clean it with vinegar.

Upset stomach? Tablespoon of vinegar.

Staticy clothes? Vinegar in the wash.

Smelly house? Vinegar in saucers everywhere.

Potato salad? Made better with LOTS of vinegar.

The amazing part is that it seems to work. Her other favorite is baking soda - scrubbing counters, cleaning the oven, upset stomach (NOT at the same time as vinegar), laundry that won't come quite clean.


keriamon - 03/10/09 03:04 PM

I learned that his mother has basically thrown him out of the house at eighteen because she could not longer afford to feed him and had other family to consider.

Something similar happened to my grandfather, but it was during WWII or right after, because he was born in 1932, I think. Anyways, when he was about 16 years old, his dad put him and his two younger brothers in the car (their mother was already dead), drove them from Alabama to Arkansas, then dumped them out on the side of the road and left back for Alabama. I think that's the last they ever saw of him. My grandfather went to a cotton farm and got a job picking cotton. I think the other two younger boys got a job there as well, and they picked cotton for room and board and a small amount of wages. The farmer took a liking to my grandfather and asked him if he could drive a truck. My grandfather said he reckoned he could learn, so the farmer taught him to drive a big truck and he did a lot of the hauling for the farm. Later, when my grandfather's brothers were old enough to take care of themselves, my grandfather got recruited by someone to come to Tennessee and drive semis for a living. And that's what he did until he retired.

Here's something medieval people did, because fabric was so expensive. Most of their clothing was lined to make it last longer, number one. Number two, when the outside had become stained or faded, they would rip out the lining, then rip out all of the seams and then flip all of the pieces around so that the inside is now on the outside (obviously they didn't have a lot of one-sided fabrics), and then sew it back up. If the lining was also looking bad on one side, they'd take it apart, flip it, then sew it back into the garment. At one point in time, before Catherine of Aragon married Henry VIII, she was waiting in limbo in England for her marriage to him, and her living allowance got so small, she and all her ladies turned their clothing. While it was probably unusual for noble women to turn their clothing by the 16th century, obviously she knew how it was done, because she did all the sewing on her clothes herself.

Also, in earlier centuries, noble women probably turned or had someone else turn some of their clothing to save money. And when something with nice embroidery on it (which couldn't be turned) just got too out of fashion to wear, or didn't fit, or was damaged, it would be cut up so that the best embroidery was preserved, and turned into pillows or wall hangings or something. I have even seen a picture of a beautiful church vestment that was almost entirely covered in embroidery, but closer inspection revealed that the nice silk it was on was pieced together; I would not be surprised if that had been some noblewoman's dress or similar that had been donated and pieced together before embroidering. In some cases, you can see church vesments that were made from something that was embroidered before it was cut into pieces to make vestments, or that old-style vestments were cut down into a new fashion.

Funny thing is, I could turn our medieval costumes and even my regular clothes that I've made myself without a problem, but would have a heck of a time trying that on store-bought clothing. The way they make things on industrial machines just does not make it easy to take alter, much less take apart and flip.


NancyinFL - 03/11/09 12:55 PM

Gee, Keriamom...we used to call my grandma "medieval" for taking her clothes apart and putting new ones together from the old. Now we know we were right!!!!!!


asceptictwo - 03/11/09 01:24 PM

Nope. I personally couldn't handle living with a packed dirt floor nor would I know how to cook with a wood stove (not all homes had running water or electricity during the depression) having to use an outhouse when nature called (been there done that hate the smell) but the grandparents were farmers. Being able to kill, pluck and cook your own chicken (hhmm I would have to think about that one) Knowing how to can fruits and veggies (again every once an a while I think about my parents old pressure cooker) slaughtering your own livestock for food (again not sure if I could). Not having a refrigerator I would die. having a knack for growing plants and veggies (must be hereditary, because it takes years for me to kill off plants). Any veggies I grow I have more then I or my family can consume so I give them away.

[Honeylioness]

10 March 2009


QOTW: How do you handle all the little things that pop up? Examples are: birthdays (especially those surprise kid invites), funerals, children expenses "Mom I need $X for so and so" Do you have a fund or take them out of the monthly budget. Do you have a box with presents the kids can pick from? How many times has this happened and it seriously hurt your budget?

COTW: Be positive. With the stock market and everything on the news it is hard to be positive but I think it is important. "This too shall pass" is a great motto. We can't control most of the huge things going on right now, the housing market, the stock market BUT we CAN control our attitudes. Honestly it b1tes that many of our investments have shrunk so much we don't even want to open our statements BUT we are here and we can pull ourselves up by the bootstraps if necessary.

Vegas Challenge: Many of our members are planning on attending a Vegas gathering October 17th-18th this year (many are even planning on bringing their SOs) Look at your fund and see how it is doing. Do you need to beef up the savings? Are you on track?


sapphire12 - 03/11/09 01:04 PM

AOTW: Aside from the fact that I feel like I can't sell my house and the fact that my retirement accts are down, the economy is not really bothering me. I am trying to see the good in this. People are saving more or at least trying. More consumers are switching to cash instead of credit. The country is resetting itself, so I am happy about that. Which leads me to two articles I read today.

The one here has a more pessimistic view of the economy.

www.cnbc.com/id/29632174

This one frugal is more in line with how we operate here.

finance.yahoo.com/news/Extreme-cheapskates-Tightwads-apf-14598438.html

[Honeylioness]

CoffeeGirl - 03/12/09 02:17 PM

Major major major VENT - I posted this on the NE thread to but since its mostly different people here I just had to make sure everyone heard my scream!!!!!

I just got awful news - my roommate emailed me today to tell me that he might not be moving out. I haven't emailed him back, and I'm REALLY glad he emailed me because I can be more stern in writing than I ever could in person.

So a little bit of background - CoffeeBoy and I split up in November 2007 and since I work from home, I realized that I could hole up in here and have ZERO human interaction - which is not healthy. It also meant that I could no longer travel for work without kenneling my dog which is very expensive and then leaving the house empty, which I am paranoid about. So I decided to get a roommate to have another person around, someone to help with the dog if I have to leave (and this was part of the arrangement), some help on the bills and someone to be in the house when I travel.

I found a man who was going through a divorce and had three children living in the next town. He wanted to be closer to them since his middle child was just recovering from cancer. He had no custodial rights and we spoke about the kids - only the oldest would ever spend the night, and he would look for something more permanent as the custody situation got better defined. Things worked out very well in the summertime the kids would come over and BBQ on Sundays, the oldest would spend the night once every 2-3 weeks it was fine.

Now I also have to say that I have a fully furnished house, the roommate is renting one room with house privileges and use of all my stuff. Well in the Fall when I got slammed at work the kids were suddenly here all the time, and the little ones were spending the night, and I found out that he was forgetting to let the dog out while I was away and she would be locked inside for 16-18 hours. So I asked him what was going on - turns out the courts awarded him split custody and he never told me. So then they were spending the night, eating here all the time - he was sleeping on the living room couch, the older boy was sleeping in the den and the two little ones in roomies bed.

Then things started getting broken - and the middle boy (the sick one who has now been cancer free for for a year) started peeing all over the house. When his dad was cooking dinner or turned his back for even a second (saw it happen a # of times from across the room - too far away to stop it) he would just pull his drawers down and pee and laugh while he was doing it. So anyway, I was hardly around or working in my office locked in there all the time, and so I finally talked to him and asked him to find somewhere else to live by the end of the month (November) so then he AVOIDED ME 100%, he would take the kids out to dinner and movies and never be at the house.

When the last week of the month came around he told me that he couldn't find a place that he could afford with all of the medical bills and then he started crying and making me feel bad for kicking him and his sick child out on the street during the holidays and essentially made me feel so bad that I said OK by January, then that turned to February....(now I KNOW that it's not really my problem, but I felt bad) so fast forward a few weeks and his divorce is final he has met a woman they are getting married in April and then moving into her uncle's house. I was ELATED, now he tells me that the uncle says they can't move in until May, so they are looking for another place, but they just got turned down for the third time because she filed for bankruptcy 2 years ago and he just filed for bankruptcy 3 weeks ago.

AGGGGGGHHHHHHGGHHGGHHHGGHHHGGHHHH I am going to tell him that he has to be out by April 15 regardless of whether he moves into her parents home for a few weeks or what - but that was out agreement and I have totally prepared myself for that and I have been so looking forward to the peace and quiet and I am just exhausted from living here with this crazy bunch of people and it's MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Red2Black2011 - 03/12/09 02:38 PM

Coffeegirl: Tell him to be out by March 31st, his original departure date. Have no discussion with him. He can go bunk with the girlfriend until the big day.

RED RUBY - 03/12/09 02:42 PM

CoffeeGirl: I am so sorry for your frustration. You sound like you have been more than helpful and accommodating. I myself would charge dear ole dad a carpet cleaning bill everytime I saw his son pee on the floor and for every item broken. Or UP the rent due to occupancy level. I know that sounds mean, but it is YOUR house.

dakota4600 - 03/12/09 03:05 PM

coffeegirl- I agree with others hold your ground and tell him to get out.

CoffeeGirl - 03/12/09 03:16 PM

Thanks guys! The last agreed to date was April 15, so I will stick to that. I did make him get my sofa shampooed but the shampooers came back a week later because the check had bounced. They fly to Vegas to get married on April 3, come back on April 5 and the original deal was that he was going to be moving his things for the rest of the week, but actually living in the new place - so pretty much out by April 3, but keys back to me by April 15 and he needed to get the living room, hallway and bedroom carpets cleaned.

I know its not my job to provide a place for his kids, but it is so easy to make me feel guilty about doing something like kicking a family out with a sick child like that. Even though it is the right thing, it still makes me feel terrible. But thanks for the spinal support - I emailed him back a few minutes ago and said that April 15 is still the deadline and that he will have to make other arrangements if the house falls through.

HATOO - 03/12/09 03:25 PM

Good for you, CoffeeGirl! Stick to your guns when he whines in April that he needs until May.

nitza19 - 03/12/09 03:59 PM

CG - glad you are getting a chance to fit some fun into your schedule ETA - YOU TELL HIM. Be absolutely firm. Say "Yes, you CAN move out, and you WILL move out, and where you move out TO is not my problem. If your stuff is not out by April 15 as planned, I will put it on the lawn and change the locks. You have had FIVE MONTHS of my patience and good will, and that is all there is. No discussion."

And then, when his kids aren't looking, punch him in the gut! Okay maybe not that last part. Well, maybe. It *is* very hard to toe the line with someone like that, when there are kids involved. So I talk tough but I do understand. However I talk tough in order to encourage you to do the same Just remember, we are all bursting with pride for you STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF. You are not doing anything "to" him or his kids, and don't let him try and say that you are. He has been abusing your good intentions for a long time. Enough. Ha ha look at me getting all feisty.

IOUnomore - 03/12/09 04:32 PM

Coffeegirl- Man, I can feel your frustration. I know it is difficult but you have to stick to the deadline. It seems he has been given enough chances and if you don't hold the line this time he may consider you a push-over. I would also recommend changing the locks on your doors.

JennysMom - 03/12/09 04:59 PM

Coffeegirl I'll add my voice to stick to your original date. You've been more than accommodating thru this whole adventure. I know you feel bad but it sounds like your roommate has taken advantage of you. He didn't even keep with the original agreement and then didn't tell you when things changed. It's really time for him to go. Don't kick yourself. There's a time for REAL deadlines and this is it! Just my 2 cents...

SES_Books - 03/12/09 06:52 PM

CG--can you get the costs for shampooing the floors and ask for cash up front to cover the expense? Once he is gone it will be hard to collect if he is not around and another check bounces. If they both have gone through bankruptcy I question their money skills. Then inform him the locks will be changed April 16, to make sure ALL his stuff is gone.

Sharing the Simple Lifestyle - 03/12/09 09:55 PM

Coffeegirl, You more than all others know that compassion and tolerance is the hallmark of our dedication to one another. Just the same, please know that your roommate needs to extend to you, the consideration that you have extended to him. Go in peace with your decision. You have been exemplary. Amazingly, this fellow will come up with a solution. You are off the hook, dear Coffeegirl. Those of us who have had the great fortune to meet with you in person, know your dedication to others. As my DSis's Pastor/Sargeant at her Salvation Army said, "Kathy, you cannot save everyone."

Red2Black2011 - 03/12/09 11:48 PM

CG: I agree with IOU, Nitza and SES, let him know the locks will be changed on the 16th and make sure and you do it. No matter what he says do not let him stay. The same way they have money for Vegas they can have money for a room at the Y until they find other living arrangements and the Y doesn't do a credit check.

*********************

Honeylioness - 03/13/09 10:24 AM

CoffeeGirl - in addition to agreeing with the other comments made, consider this. This man obviously has major issues with managing his own life, and from what you have said, he may have real issues with women as well. No-one "forgets" to tell the person whose home they are living in that the custody arrangement has changed. He chose to cowardly hide this information until it was all too obvious.

A person who separates, gets divorced and then immediately remarries, in my opinion is someone who not only has major self esteem issues and may even be so insecure that he is terrified to live alone and actually learn anything about himself. He has also demonstrated that his parenting skills are sub-standard. I don't care how sick my child was, unless it was a true accident, the first time I caught one of them purposely soiling not just my home, but someone elses??? Well start calling CPS now because that kid would not be sitting for a week. But again, this guy doesn't have a clue.

As to the carpet cleaning I would tell him he has two options. 1) Give me the cash for the work as his checks seem to be made of rubber. Or 2) He can scrub them himself with a toothbrush. For your own peace of mind I would recommend having the locks changed on April 15th regardless of whether you got the keys back or not.

Now, as to your feeling "guilty" - STOP IT ! YOU did not make the child sick, YOU are not his mother or any relation at all, and YOU do not need to be treated like you are.



You are like a gorgeous coral reef. Firmly anchored in the life force of the ocean and providing beauty to those who are privileged to see you, and shelter to those who are in true need. Most of those who live alongside you give back by either keeping you safe, or by living in harmonious groups. But this guy is like a sponge.

Desperately clinging to your strength and stability because he has none of his own and knows that until he can find another rock to attach to he dares not let go, lest he be carried away on the current and wind up harvested and being used to wash the backside of some spoiled zoo walrus.

Honeylioness - 03/16/09 10:54 AM

CoffeeGirl - I am glad to hear that your roommate problem is resolving itself. I hope I did not offend/upset you with my post last week and the reef/sponge analogy. If so I apologize and I will delete the posting.

CoffeeGirl - 03/16/09 11:10 AM

Honey - Of course you didn't offend me! I thought it was hilarious!!!! and while I may not be the great barrier reef he certainly was a soul sucking sponge

Roomie is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have the garage door opener back the keys back and he said he would stop by Friday after calling me to pick up any mail that the PO didn't forward and drop off the last utility check. I think my last email to him about the delays kind of kicked him in the behind. I like to think that anyway. Probably way TMI but I ran around the house in my skivvies last night and had a nice glass of wine!

[Honeylioness]

15 March 2009


Sharing the Simple Lifestyle - 03/15/09 07:16 PM

Little heart-warming moment. The evening is exquisite. the sky so clear, and the temps moderate. Just a few moments ago, I saw the little family who are mildly developmentally challenged and who must live further down this Provincial Park road all out walking. Grandpa and the older kids were holding hands, and the mom and dad were holding hands as well as they did last summer and fall. The look of pure bliss on their faces- even Grandpa was almost skipping!- to be out together in the pure, sweet air after months of being cooped up would bring a smile to the hardest of hearts. They would walk every evening in the clement weather, pass a pleasant word with neighbors and would always be so happily amazed by the sight of Nermal and Nugget on the little front deck. The resiliency of the human spirit is a miracle. I know there's precious little money-the clothing speaks volumes-but this family feels themselves to be the happiest of households.

[Honeylioness]

16 March 2009


Honeylioness - 03/16/09 11:12 AM

Okay, I have gone back and forth and back again about telling anyone about this, but finally decided what the heck. Perhaps you can all talk me off the ledge.

I have been in rather severe "melt-down-mode" for almost a week now and try as I might I cannot seem to turn off the "what it?" catastrophe part of my thought process.

I have been having "issues" with my digestive system for about a month. At first I brushed it off as stress or something I ate or whatever. But it became more pronounced, and I had the feeling that something really was NOT as it should be. Well, to gloss over the gory details I discovered two external polyps that have me freaking out. I called my doctor - who is in downtown Boston about 30 miles away - and she was out of the office at a conference. I did speak to her intake nurse and now I just am waiting to find out if or when I can get in to see her. The nurse mentioned the possibility of a last minute colonoscopy and of course my mind went to the C-word.

Maybe I am wrong and what I see are not polyps. Maybe they are and can just be removed with no problem. But what if they are not? What did I do wrong that this has happened to me? And I can't have a colonoscopy - they won't even do one unless you have someone who can drive you home since they knock you out. My family live no where near here, my best friend has her own life and a job she just can't drop to play chauffeur, and a taxi will cost a small fortune. Maybe I should have tried harder to find a new doctor closer to my home, but I like Dr. Kathryn and don't want a new doctor.

AND I have not heard from Redhawk since the second week of February. For all I know he has gotten himself killed and no-one has had the courtesy to even let me know.

Have to go now, this is the longest I have let myself think about this and have not said these things out loud yet to anyone. I don't want to be at my desk when I start crying.

Just - if you have any extra prayers or thoughts I could sure use them.

CoffeeGirl - 03/16/09 11:15 AM

Honey - I know that even though I have my life and job, I WOULD drop everything for my best friend if she needed it. Call her up - say you're really not sure but it looks like you might need one, if they can't do it today is there a day this weeks she could help you out?

Angel 33 - 03/16/09 11:26 AM

Honeylionness: You will definitely be in my prayers. If I lived near you, I would drop everything to take you to your appointment and back. Your health is very important. I am sure your best friend thinks the same thing and would be there for you to help if you ask.

Gin1984 - 03/16/09 11:53 AM

Honey- That is what friends are for. Ask for help, please. Let us know if we can do anything.

3catslady - 03/16/09 12:15 PM

Honey; If I was closer, I would be there in a heartbeat, but know I am there in spirit and sending lots of prayers your way. Maybe Redhawk is in a place where he can't get in touch with you. You know the old adage, NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS, but I will keep you and Redhawk on my prayer list.

Red2Black2011 - 03/16/09 12:52 PM

Honeylioness: Breath. I agree with CoffeeGirl, your best friend would be there for you in a heart beat. You have mail.

teh mom - 03/16/09 02:29 PM

Honeylioness-maybe its hemorrhoids? I’d wait on the “panic” until after the doctors visit. Prayers are with you.

Honeylioness - 03/16/09 02:41 PM

teh mom - thanks for the optimistic hope - but no. I was a biology and mathematics major and have worked in medical research companies for over 10 years now. Unfortunately I recognize a polyp when I see one. I am trying to stay calm and remember that there is no family history of cancer of any kind on either side of my family.

Update: I just got off the phone with my best friend and am again on the verge of tears. Without even hesitating she said "No problem, just call me and let me know where and when you need a ride"

Sharing the Simple Lifestyle - 03/16/09 03:40 PM

Honey, That's the ticket. Your BFF is needed for moral support as much as anything. What you say is true about polyps, but many are benign, too. Have I heard recently that a much more comfortable procedure is available to achieve what a colonoscopy does? I'm sure that I have. A third plus is that you are in MA, pretty much the heartland for medical research and excellent care. Always share. Never be alone with those thoughts. Now you're marching towards the upside and good health because you've taken charge. Especially in the area of colon health has so much research been devoted. This is a pothole in the road that with medical attention will get you back to being comfortable asap.

[Honeylioness]

18 March 2009

NightOwl08 - 03/18/09 08:35 AM

Now how can I make this financially relevant as so to justify calling on my WIR friends for help? (Maybe the mods are sleeping.... .....I'll whisper, ok?)

Well I have an 18 year old in college, she is a freshman and doing well. My problem is I seem to be causing her distress because she says I am not letting go of her. (I was a single parent, she was my only child) For instance, she says it is obvious how much I miss her and it makes her feel bad when she has been visiting and has to leave to go back to campus. She came home for winter break and I told her I felt like we never get to see her cuz she is with her friends all the time and she said that is another example of me not letting go.

And...the hard part is...I think she is right. I don't know how to face the fact that she is not "my baby" anymore. Any of you been here?? Any advice?? I want to be someone she can count on, not someone who makes her life harder.

Uhhhm..the "money" aspect of this post...she has to do well in school to succeed in life and have a good career and I want to nurture that, not hinder it!! (how was that, Laterbloomer?? )

PS...I have taken up two new hobbies and gone back to school at night to start making a life for myself but still struggling with this issue....

Honeylioness - 03/18/09 09:01 AM

NightOwl - while I do not have a child that age can I give you my perspective as the daughter of parents who had a similar issue?

On one hand, for us anyway, it was a matter of trust. My father in particular had not fully realized that YES - he had raised me with his values and led by example as to how you deal with people and problems, and he had to realize he COULD trust me to make my own decisions, mistakes and deal with the consequences. This may not be your challenge but it might be worth taking a few moments to think about it.

I can imagine that as a single parent the bond with you and your daughter is in truth incredibly strong. There is nothing wrong with you expressing your feelings that you had missed her and want to hear what is happening in school. Sometimes it is the child's own sense of guilt for leaving home that can make them snippy. Don't look at it as though she is leaving you behind when she is home on break and spends time with her friends. But she is using the social skills you taught her to nurture a circle of close relationships and having new experiences that she will want to tell you about.

Good for you that you are taking classes and developing new interests, that way you also have new things to share when the two of you have time to talk. I also have found in my work with teenagers that this time in their lives is usually just a phase. Those who come from supporting, loving families are not looking to cut their parents out of their lives, but to further define who they are as individuals. If you are able to breathe, relax, and let go a bit more you will most likely find that she will quickly come to see that the place she really feels is HOME ..... is YOU.

It is natural, even with two parent families, for there to be this struggle with time with you versus time with friends. As long as your daughter is not just flying in, dumping laundry, disappears for four days and flies back in to pick up her clean laundry and leave - I think you are doing just fine.

Just one more thing I want to share. My mother and I have always been very close (well, except for that year I was 13 and convinced both my parents were IDIOTS!! ). When I made the decision to leave the West Coast and move back to New England about 13 years ago, I dreaded telling her the most. She cried and for a couple of weeks did play the guilt card "why are you leaving me?", "Who will I go to choir with?". etc. During this time I did resent her and felt unsupported and semi emotionally abandonded - but after a while she got past her OWN issues (long story) and we are once again the best of friends as two adult women.

Hang in there. Continue your hobbies and interests and remember there will come a day when she breezes in on a short break and you pass her on the way out the door with a breezy "I'll be back later hun - I'm moderating the discussion group tonight and gotta go". Sometimes kids need to realize their parents are NOT at their beck and call before they really appreciate them.


NightOwl08 - 03/18/09 09:20 AM

Honeylion, I really appreciate your heartfelt response. It is very interesting to hear another daughter's point of view..(other than my own)..and to know I am not as screwed up as I feel right now. I confess to having played the guilt card as well. (I was brought up in Catholic school, I'll take this oppurtunity to just blame it on the nuns..hahaha!)

Your post actually brought tears to my eyes because you and your mom sound a lot like me and my daughter. You seem very understanding of your parents feelings, which is to your credit. I like what you said about letting her know I am not at her beck and call. In fact I do try to have things planned when she is home visiting so she can see mommy has a life! I guess my problem is emotional more than anything and we parents are probably way more transparent to our kids than we realize.

Thank you for your input and for sharing your story.

[Honeylioness]

17 March 2009


MittenKitten - 03/17/09 10:14 PM

QOTW: How do you give back to your community? How do you feel about giving back? (no slamming anyone's opinions since I am asking.)

COTW: Time to start Spring cleaning (unless you already have LOL). Pick one spring cleaning chore and do it, be it cleaning windows, cleaning out the cupboards, going through closets and drawers.....

[Honeylioness]

22 March 2009


fireytiger - 03/22/09 02:20 PM

So i'm a bit upset... As most of you know, I decided on Lent to start going back to church, and I feel i've finally found my faith again. I've been recruited as a new member of the choir, and I feel like i've found what i've been missing. So today, I decided to talk to my pastor about being baptised (I grew up in a non-religious household and was never baptised) and we're going to do it next Sunday, during the service. I'm very excited about that, but what upsets me is DF. I've been respectful of the fact that he doesn't want to get up on the weekend and go to church, and he isn't exactly a religious guy despite going to a baptist church for 16 years. But this is a big, important event for me, so I asked him if he would please go to my baptism. He pretty much gave me a dirty look of "don't even go there" and no further response.

Am I wrong to be hurt and upset by this? I'm not asking him to become a member of the church, i'm not even asking him to get up all that early (the service is at 10:45 and only lasts about 45 minutes). I just want him to be there and be respectful and supportive for me. I don't really have any family or friends here in Kansas City, so if he doesn't go then I have nobody, just the regular church congregation. And it's kind of embarassing to not have a single person in my life care enough to come see this. But he seems to think i'm out of line for being upset, and won't talk to me now.

Sharing the Simple Lifestyle - 03/22/09 03:04 PM

fireytiger, It is such an important rite and is meant to be a public declaration of faith that your DF truly needs to go, be supportive. There really should be your people present because of the nature of the committment. If not, then do speak with a couple you feel comfortable with, either from this congregation or another who will stand with you and for you. Granted, DF may have either disinterest or aversion from his upbringing- hard to say where the glitch is-but do remind him that spirituality is one of the four pillars of a healthy person.

I'm a bit out on a limb here, so I'm going to hope that Muttley, teh mom, moneysquirrel, nsinglet, MrsLynch, Honeylioness, Coffeegirl, justshanti- all from strong, but diverse faith communities- with weigh in. In the meantime, may we offer our warm congratulations? You've chosen to participate in a life changing celebration.Red rose

MuttleynFelix - 03/22/09 05:37 PM

fireytiger - Absolutely you have a right to be upset. This is a big deal for you. He should be there for you. I don't think it is about pushing your religion on him, but about something that is important to you. Honestly, if things weren't insanely busy at our church right now, I would make the trip just so you weren't alone. I will say this, if your church is anything like mine, the congregation will make sure you never feel alone there. Hang in there. I will be praying that he comes around. Oh Congrats on getting baptised.

fireytiger - 03/22/09 11:47 PM

Thanks for all the support ladies, I feel better knowing that i'm not just being irrational or something about this. I talked to him again later and asked him, and at first he was like "i'll think about it", and when I pressed it, indicating that it was very important to me, he said he would try to go. I'll probably have to call him the day of and make sure he gets up, in case he tries to sleep through his alarm. He tends to set alarms during the weekend and then just shut them off and go back to sleep, which makes me wonder why he bothers... Anyway, I guess maybe he didn't realize how important this was to me, but at the same time he should know better. I had numerous friends who are atheist even realize how deeply significant this is, and who would be willing to attend were they closer... whatever, I guess it's okay if he does end up going.

CoffeeGirl - 03/23/09 09:50 AM

Fireytiger - I have some really back and forth thoughts for you - 1st it is important that your DF support you in your decisions - because like it or not if he really is you "F" than this affects him and his life. Also, now is another testing time for your relationship - baptism and spiritual committment are a huge component of life, especially for people who choose it as adults - it can have much more mening and life priority than for those who were born into it. It can be a community - so if DF is going to steadfastly not support you in this - how are you going to feel in time - are you going to have to choose between church and him? I'm not saying he would give an ultimatum, but if you have an active church, how is going to feel when people ask where your H is? Will it make you uncomfortable? Anyway - so I know that couples can be different and have different levels of church involvement and that its not unusual situation, it just always gets me to thinking. I know some churches where a wife's duty is to try to bring her H into the flock, how does your church feel about his non-belief? How do YOU feel about his non-belief? Do you secretly somewhere hope he'll change in the future? I am really not trying to call anyone out on this, just thinking out loud kind of - making the decision to get baptized as an adult is a huge step for many people, the ones you love should support you regardless of their beliefs - but at the same time it is a good time to think about why a loved one is not supporting you and how that will fit in your life together moving forward. Good luck.

teh mom - 03/23/09 06:17 PM

CoffeeGirl-what denomination church are you joining? That's a great step. We have a church meeting tonight. Going over some new by-laws to be voted in. The original by-laws of the church have gone missing (This is not surprising). Secretary of State doesn't have a copy. So we are voting on some tonight. Should be a quick meeting. Our family and another family have already gone over them, this is just the "official" vote of the other families. Ours is a very small church, only 12 members at the moment.

HappyCat41 - 03/23/09 10:15 PM

Fireytiger: For what its worth..... My Mr. Cat and I have this same issue. I believe what I believe and he doesn't believe what I believe so we have a major problem on this front. It used to REALLY upset me that he wouldn't go to church with me...and it hurt even worse that he wouldn't even go FOR me. I cried alot of tears over this...and questioned whether I wanted to marry him at all over this very issue. Finally, I just had to let it go. The fight wasn't worth the damage it caused. This is a man I TRULY love and he is good to me in EVERY way but he refuses to be a part of or go to church. So now I go without him, pray for him and I put my trust in the God I believe in to bring him around in His perfect timing. I still ask every once in a while and if WHEN he finally says yes I will probably lose a kitty life. I don't know if that helps or not. You are the only one who can decide if this is a deal breaker. I hope it works out for you!

HappyCat41 - 03/23/09 10:30 PM

fireytiger: I would like to clarify my post! Mr. Cat and I do NOT have children together. My DDs were well into their teen years when we married so we do not have to worry about HOW to raise our children. I DO believe this issue is important enough to seriously consider if you are going to have children. I absolutely believe that two folks with different belief systems can successfully raise children together BUT...it should be discussed and agreed upon prior to having kids. Just my two cents worth...

[Honeylioness]

24 March 2009

Honeylioness - 03/24/09 10:40 AM

I am so tired I want to cry. Last Saturday was National Quilting Day. But instead of sewing I was baking. See, I am on the Volunteer Committee at work and we were planning how to kick off our first big Food Drive a few months ago when I opened up my yap and said "What about a Bake Sale?".

Several of the others actually rolled their eyes and I got the impression they thought it was not only a dumb idea but too dorky for the "cool kids". Most of the staff here think a fun time with co-workers is doing the PanMass Challenge - 190 miles on a bicycle from Central Mass to the end of Cape Cod - oh just KILL ME!!! Or they play golf, or run marathons .... you get the idea. For those of us without the Lance Armstrong or Super Dave genes - it can feel as though we are never really included.

Anyway, I was told to go ahead if I wanted to - but I could tell there were low, or rather NO, expectations that this would work. As of Friday I had solicited 20 employees to make something for the sale, since as expected I knew at least three would "forget" or bail. I contributed 4 batches of fudge (about 8 pounds all together: plain, with nuts, and chocolate/raspberry), made 9 quart baggies of Cracker Jacks, and four double crusted apple pies. Then I got into the office yesterday at 6:30 AM - that's right A ... M .... (I didn't know there were actually other people on the roads at this time of the night ) and started setting up.

I had commandeered three tables and covered them with an assortment of my vintage tablecloths - the kind from the '40s and '50s with cherries and carnations and such on them, set out baskets and cake stands and then when people began to arrive around 8am began to arrange the food. And arrange. And re-arrange. Around 08:30 I had to add a FOURTH table and by the time we "opened" at 09:30 the tables were loaded. I set up a large gallon mason jar with a sign that this was a free donation event. Take what you want and leave what you think is appropriate.

I had my fingers crossed that we would make at least $100-$150 as all the money is to be donated to the local Food Bank distribution center. Well, I had to empty the cash jar FOUR times yesterday as it was getting too full. And by the time I left the office yesterday at 06:00 pm we not only still had enough food left over to continue the sale today - we had collected

$516.60 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which the Corporation will match dollar for dollar - so at this point we will be able to give the Food Bank over $1,000 !!!! Not bad for a "GEEKY" idea huh? AND people are still coming by to pick up another cupcake, or piece of fudge or slice of coffee cake for their morning coffee, so I know this total will grow.

Then I raced to my Guild meeting, organized the collection of the challenge quilts, met with the judge and turned over the items and did not get to leave until 09:30 pm. Not sure there is enough coffee in the building to get me through today.

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Honeylioness - 03/24/09 08:47 PM

Just dropping in with an update on the Bake Sale that honestly even I cannot believe!!

When we cleaned up this afternoon and I tallied up the last of the funds that came in today I got an astounding total

$602.35 !!!!!

That means we will be able, hopefully by Tuesday, to go over to the Food Bank and, with the Company match, be able to give them just over $1,200.00

Can I just say I am in awe of the generosity of my co-workers and Company??

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Honeylioness - 03/27/09 12:30 PM

I am just so .... so .....mad/angry/upset and crying at the moment I cannot even think straight. On one hand I want to go up and kick someone where it would hurt the most - and at worse I want to just resign and say F**K IT to two people in particular.

I had made two slides for today's employee meeting. Nothing fancy, just a list of those I wanted to thank and the total amount we raised this week with the Bake Sale. Our G.M. had said, or so I thought, that I could present them at the meeting this morning.

Then SHE gets up and not only does she NOT mention two things that were important - she arbitrarily changes the dates of the food collection drive ..... presents the idea and results as though SHE had ANYTHING to do with it - which she did NOT - and says "So next Friday I will be bringing the food and the money to the Food bank" (must be said in a snarky simpering voice). It was MY idea which she thought was a bit "queer" - I did all the work, made the arrangements, signage, got bakers, decorated and cleaned it all up.

I came back to my desk and just cried. She also had sniped at me just after the meeting with "Oh...I did not know YOU had made slides, I did too - I did not think you would remember - but (insert condescending tone) That's okay I decided we could use yours this time" Then she goes on to say how I had not gotten the slides "approved" by her first - WTF??

What was there to approve? A list of names of people to thank for baking and a second slide with the dollar amount on it??

All the joy and feeling of accomplishment I had about this event is completely gone and I just don't want to ever exert myself again for this company or department. Ironically I am supposed to finish my self-assessment for the last year on what I have done. One section is called "Initiative" - what a joke - seems I am a second-class citizen from whom no independent thought or initiative is wanted.

ETA: As to my birthday, I am canceling it this year. The day I was going to take off so I could go to the theater? Well, that is off because SHE decided she wants the same day off as well and "We can't both be out now can we hun?" Never mind that I told told my department head a MONTH ago of my plans and he thought it a good idea. I am NOT looking forward to next Thursday at all and if I could would just stay in bed - because the only thing I have scheduled for that day is a mandatory training on Bloodborne Pathogens. Oh joy.


startsmart - 03/27/09 01:12 PM

oh, Honey, deep breaths! I totally feel your frustration allll the way over here in California. On behalf of the hundreds of people YOUR effort will touch at the food bank THANK YOU for all your initiative and work at the bake sale. This simpering fool can't take away that accomplishment. No one can.

Now I'm not one to enjoy birthdays but next Thursday you are going to enjoy a quiet day at the office (may I suggest taking Friday off?) and celebrate ALL that you have done in this last year. First and foremost being the amazing accomplishment of not kicking this twit in the head on a daily basis. That takes strength, my friend.

On a related note, I was enjoying some canned pears from a wonderfully sweet woman who sent them to cheer me up and here months later I'm still enjoying her kindness.

Honeylioness - 03/27/09 01:37 PM

Sorry for the rant - I hate feeling like a whiny brat

Gin1984 - 03/27/09 01:47 PM

That was not being a whiney brat, Honey, it was expressing how you feel. AND you should be expressing yourself. Maybe you could go out thursday night, have friday off to sleep in and then have the rest of the weekend too. Just so you don't feel like you are canceling your b-day.

SES_Books - 03/27/09 01:57 PM

Honey--sounds like somebody(I mistyped this as somebosy-maybe I should have left it alone) might be feeling threatened and in need of throwing her weight around? Those who truly need to know do. Actually probably everyone knows where the credit is due. One question, did she acknowledge people individually or as a group?

SES_Books - 03/27/09 02:09 PM

Honey-- As I thought of it more, be sure to include the bake sale in "Initiative" once it is printed and in your evaluation it is yours and no one can take it from you. Is she your supervisor? Does she do your evaluation, are you evaluated by someone else? I would go to your supervisor who already approved your being gone and follow up. Point out the expense this late denial will cost you. Maybe you will still get to be off. In other words, don't give up!

nitza19 - 03/27/09 02:11 PM

Honey - I'm so sorry about the situation at work. Try not to let her get to you. It is a small woman that has to be that petulant and pissy and try to take away from the things that others do with their huge hearts. Know that you did something wonderful, and you ARE wonderful, and that you have made the world brighter by being in it. She can't compete with that so she has to try to knock you down, but just smile and think "Nice try!" The universe knows the truth And I (third?) the idea of taking Friday off after your birthday. Because really, then you get TWO special days - Thursday without HER and Friday off!

SingleMom - Ky - 03/27/09 03:33 PM

honey - take a deep breath ... you are an amazing woman who is filled with good intention and loving thoughts. You have made a huge impact on many lives with your kindness!

Sheila in Cali - 03/27/09 04:12 PM

Honey: Sorry you are having a carppy day today. You have every right to be po'd and angry.

Red2Black2011 - 03/27/09 04:14 PM

Honey: s. So sorry about the work situation. I agree with the others that you should take off Friday and celebrate. Actually I would still be celebrating on Thursday because she wont be at work to bother you. That's her gift to you.

calsfan - 03/27/09 09:14 PM

Honey---can you send a letter to your boss’ boss, something along the lines of “recently I organized a bake sale at our office to benefit x charity, and we netted $600, which the company wonderfully matched. So I was pleased to hear that X, my boss, has run with my idea and planned to do this again. I’m pleased that our company continues to help others during these tough economic times.” That way, it gets across to her boss that it was your idea and she is running with it. Then cc the *@%$#@* that is your boss. You’re being a team player and letting her boss know how wonderful a job all of you are doing. This is a great thing you did and I’m glad your office was so receptive.

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Honeylioness - 03/29/09 11:31 PM

Thanks to everyone who had encouraging words about my lousy day Friday. While the idea of writing a note to this woman's boss sounds like a good idea, perhaps I should explain the set up here a bit. This woman is our Sr. HR Manager and works for the VP of HR. I no longer have a boss - he was the VP of R&D technically - even though the majority of my work is with the HR department. Anyway, he left last month to take a transfer to another facility. Not only was the HRF VP at the meeting Friday, but so was HIS boss - our division's G.M. who runs these meetings once a month. Not sure just how I am going to deal with her tomorrow - I guess I will just see how I feel tomorrow.

Overall though, I think that the real underlying issue is not work, or my money - it is Redhawk. I have not heard from him since about February 10th and for all I know he is dead and no one has has the courtesy to tell me. This limbo is just eating at me and I feel as though I have placed my life in limbo because of this man - and I get nothing in return. So why am I even trying to hold on to what now seems like just something I created in my own mind and that he is not participating in? Perhaps because it is easier than facing the truth and my fear. My fear that at my age, size and temperment - this was my last chance for a husband or children. And I now have to face the reality that while both those things have always been a desire of mine - it just is never going to happen.

ETA - Regarding the whole "day off" mess. I had told the VP of HR that I wanted to take Friday the 3rd off as I had hoped to go to a play Thursday night for my B.D then sleep in Friday and give myself a little three day weekend. However now "she" has announced she is taking Friday off and as there is a new payroll system going live this week, and of COURSE she doesn't know the software - that we cannot both be out of the office on Friday. Three guesses who will have to change plans. *RME*

3catslady - 03/29/09 11:48 PM

Honey, it is hard to not look on that side of life, but there could be a very good reason you haven't heard from Redhawk. I can sort of understand how you feel because I lost my husband when I was 35 and felt like my life was over, not saying Redhawk is gone. I am and was 5'2" and 212 lbs and no one has looked at me since then. But, there just might be someone out there for you, just have faith. Some people think that is a bad word but I don't. Not knowing is a really hard thing to live with. Have you gotten any of your mail back from him? Other than not hearing from him, is there anything else that makes you think he isn't coming back? You will be in my prayers and thoughts until you know something. Hang in there.

Sharing the Simple Lifestyle - 03/30/09 05:55 AM

Honey, Absolutely this situation with redhawk is eating away at you. It is the agony of the missing person status families endure when a loved one disappears. No closure, only hope. No possibility to live and enjoy the moment, only fears that tomorrow brings unwelcome news. This dire situation would rip the flesh from any soul. On the marriage, kids front, that is very much possible for you. Stork Airlines Inc. has many alternative flight options! Unbelievable about this V.P. of H.R. She should rise to her position and do the right thing by you. This is your birthday week...sometimes it's a time of reflection rather than celebration. If only, if only, you could get some news from your DF abroad during this special week.

sapphire12 - 03/30/09 11:05 AM

honey -- I feel your anguish. I wanted to slap my boss into the next millennium last week. If you know Hawk's SSN and someone in the military, there is some way they can look up Hawk's info for you. As an aside, does Hawk have you listed as a Point of Contact/Emergency Contact or whatever terminology they use. Honey, please don't think your size has anything to do with not being attractive to someone. I have too much work to do to go into details of how many women I know who are not dating anyone.

SingleMom - Ky - 03/30/09 11:18 AM

Honey – Hugs to you. I hope that you hear from Redhawk soon. I know how crazy you must be feeling as I have been in a similar situation w/no contact (although mine was not due to combat zone). Feel free to unload your anxieties if you need legalgirl at insightbb dot com.

[Honeylioness]

MittenKitten - 03/24/09 01:55 PM


Question of the Week (QOTW): How do you control the clutter in your life/home? How do you have your kids control their clutter/get rid of stuff?

Challenge of the Week (COTW): Every night before you go to bed think of 5 things you are grateful for, you can either just think it or start a gratitude journal. If you would like to share a couple with us feel free.

You can e-mail me with any ideas you have for QOTW or COTW at mittenkittenwir @ gmail.com We also have a controlled/nospend blog on blogspot, e-mail me if you would like the address or google controlled-nospend

Vegas Challenge: A group of us are planning on getting together in Vegas October 17-18. Look at your Vegas fund and see how it is growing. There are only 30 weeks until we go so make sure you are on track.


Honeylioness - 03/25/2009 04:02pm

QOTW: Well, one woman’s “treasure” is another woman’s “clutter” I suppose. I find that I have two areas that become “cluttered” even though the other rooms don’t have this problem: they would be my bedroom and my office/studio. In the bedroom what seems to “pile up” is clothing I wore yesterday, or the day before – like professional skirts, that don’t need to be washed but just re-hung up. I tend to just lay them over the metal railing over the stair well and eventually, well, it looks as though they are trying to take over!

In my office/studio it does not really bother me if there is lots of “stuff” out for a project I am working on. I just tell people it is part of the creative process. However, if you were to open one of the myriad drawers or baskets in the room you would find evidence of my Type A leanings. For example: Button. Either that came with a piece of clothing, or were saved or purchased because they were unusual or were planned for an outfit not yet done – they are all separated by color and in their own small containers. So there are small necklace boxes with only brown, or only green buttons. Same with saved and salvaged ribbons and trims. Sorted by color in large heavy duty zip lock bags inside a drawer.

Even in my kitchen and pantry I have storage units and smaller containers inside drawers for elastic bands, coin wrappers, push pins etc. It drives me nuts to not be able to put my hands on something within 2-3 minutes if I need it. So while I do have a LOT of stuff – I do my best to keep it ruthlessly organized in self defense.

The one area that I seem to struggle with, as does my mother, is paper: receipts/statements/bills/articles – I just cannot seem to purge it all like some people can.

COTW: I need to work on this. It has been very difficult lately to force myself out of my Eyeore-glass-half-empty mode.