Post by Honeylioness on Jun 30, 2009 11:39:37 GMT -5
Last night around 9:30 pm my telephone rang. Not a rare occurrence this week as I am in the final steps of pulling together the booth my Guild is running at the town fair this weekend. But this was not about the Fair, or quilts, or the condo or even my family.
It was Hawk on the other end of the line. The same man who I have not heard from since mid-April when his younger brother screwed with me. No voice message, e-mail – nothing since then. He merely vanished off the face of the earth. And now here he is – his tone as nonchalant as if we had just spoken last week. And how ironic he would call me now. Because it will be two years this week since he left to go run around the desert with weapons.
My first question to him, as always, was “Where are you?” But I was NOT prepared for the reply “Spokane” I just sat there – numb and listened to him talk yet say not much of anything while a part of me thought of how I really did not feel anything at all. As though I was merely observing this conversation as an accidental bystander.
Then he mentioned The Dog. Now why did I put that in capital letters? Well, perhaps because this is not a normal dog. Not one of those stray dogs that you read stories about – where a serviceman adopts it and brings it home stateside. Nope, this is a specially bred German Shepherd – who even at 8 months weighs in at 95 pounds. The parents are both working dogs with two different military groups.
He first told me about the puppy in December or January – when he was working with Allied Forces during the Gaza uprisings. Who knew that six months later he would have somehow found a way to bring her back with him. Usually animals are quarantined for six months or so when they come into the country from overseas. I guess it is a different ballgame when you have papers and documents showing the animal was a gift from the Mossad.
He has been back in Washington for three days. He spent weeks prior to that at a military hospital. He also did not tell me just why he is no longer over “there” – nor did he answer the direct question. No big surprise I guess. He rarely does.
Needless to say I had a hard time sleeping last night – did not finally nod off until just after 2:00 am. Which partly explains this stupor I feel caught in. But what about the other? Why am I not reacting? No sense of elation or relief, no tears or joy or anger – just ….. nothing. Except for that small twinge of guilt. Guilt over my friendship with Callum – even though Hawk left me with no promises, no ring. Guilt over not feeling differently. Guilt over the thought “Do I even give a da*m anymore?”
He said “I love you” several times last night – but what does that mean? I don’t think he even knows. He also said that as soon as he can find a place to board The Dog he is getting on a plane and coming to me. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask “Why?”. But some part of my brain stopped my mouth in time. This is a conversation best done face to face and not courtesy of Verizon.
I talked to Mom this morning about all this. In ideal Mom style she was upset on my behalf and told me I was just in mild shock and not to worry too much about how I felt. That actually made me teary. The emotions would come when I was ready to deal with them. She also told me I had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, except for perhaps being so clam-like about Callum.
So there it is – the latest salvo in what is coming to feel like an almost endless barrage of rubbish and s*it I feel has been lobbed my way for weeks now. All I can do for the moment is – nothing. Not my best skill by the way – waiting that is. And IF Hawk does fly out here I will deal with it then. But this has to get resolved. I refuse to live another year in this emotional limbo. He is going to have to do most of the work to prove to me he actually means it this time.
Time to fish or cut bait fly-boy.
It was Hawk on the other end of the line. The same man who I have not heard from since mid-April when his younger brother screwed with me. No voice message, e-mail – nothing since then. He merely vanished off the face of the earth. And now here he is – his tone as nonchalant as if we had just spoken last week. And how ironic he would call me now. Because it will be two years this week since he left to go run around the desert with weapons.
My first question to him, as always, was “Where are you?” But I was NOT prepared for the reply “Spokane” I just sat there – numb and listened to him talk yet say not much of anything while a part of me thought of how I really did not feel anything at all. As though I was merely observing this conversation as an accidental bystander.
Then he mentioned The Dog. Now why did I put that in capital letters? Well, perhaps because this is not a normal dog. Not one of those stray dogs that you read stories about – where a serviceman adopts it and brings it home stateside. Nope, this is a specially bred German Shepherd – who even at 8 months weighs in at 95 pounds. The parents are both working dogs with two different military groups.
He first told me about the puppy in December or January – when he was working with Allied Forces during the Gaza uprisings. Who knew that six months later he would have somehow found a way to bring her back with him. Usually animals are quarantined for six months or so when they come into the country from overseas. I guess it is a different ballgame when you have papers and documents showing the animal was a gift from the Mossad.
He has been back in Washington for three days. He spent weeks prior to that at a military hospital. He also did not tell me just why he is no longer over “there” – nor did he answer the direct question. No big surprise I guess. He rarely does.
Needless to say I had a hard time sleeping last night – did not finally nod off until just after 2:00 am. Which partly explains this stupor I feel caught in. But what about the other? Why am I not reacting? No sense of elation or relief, no tears or joy or anger – just ….. nothing. Except for that small twinge of guilt. Guilt over my friendship with Callum – even though Hawk left me with no promises, no ring. Guilt over not feeling differently. Guilt over the thought “Do I even give a da*m anymore?”
He said “I love you” several times last night – but what does that mean? I don’t think he even knows. He also said that as soon as he can find a place to board The Dog he is getting on a plane and coming to me. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask “Why?”. But some part of my brain stopped my mouth in time. This is a conversation best done face to face and not courtesy of Verizon.
I talked to Mom this morning about all this. In ideal Mom style she was upset on my behalf and told me I was just in mild shock and not to worry too much about how I felt. That actually made me teary. The emotions would come when I was ready to deal with them. She also told me I had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, except for perhaps being so clam-like about Callum.
So there it is – the latest salvo in what is coming to feel like an almost endless barrage of rubbish and s*it I feel has been lobbed my way for weeks now. All I can do for the moment is – nothing. Not my best skill by the way – waiting that is. And IF Hawk does fly out here I will deal with it then. But this has to get resolved. I refuse to live another year in this emotional limbo. He is going to have to do most of the work to prove to me he actually means it this time.
Time to fish or cut bait fly-boy.
